Q: I feel as though I’m bad at reading people. My friends and family have told me I’m not perceptive and sometimes miss things everyone else sees. Is there a way to become more observant?
A: It sounds like you occasionally struggle to understand other people. Sometimes, try as we might, we just can’t understand why people act the way they do or say the things they say, which can cause a huge communication pileup. It seems that whatever we do or say, we’re not getting through or not getting the results we want.
Because people filter their worlds through their own personality styles, understanding why they do what they do is of utmost importance. Your odds of success increase dramatically when you understand the personality style of the person you are interacting with. And that includes everyone—whether it’s an audience, a colleague, your spouse, your kids or a customer; and every way you communicate—in person, by phone, by email, by text or on social media.
Because my work puts me in front of so many people, I’ve always been fascinated by personality styles and the way people interact with each other. Several years ago, I had an opportunity to co-author a book with my friend and client Robert Rohm, Ph.D., a well-known author and speaker, called Presenting with Style. The book describes the four basic personality styles and how to deal with each type. We wrote the book because we wanted people to understand two primary communication concepts:
1. Each personality style wants to receive a different level of communication detail.
2. Each personality style wants to receive information (communication) at a different speed.
There are several different types of personality profiles. Since we like profiles that are easy to use, we chose the DISC model of human behavior, which is based on the 1920s model of extrovert/introvert and task-oriented/people-oriented styles. This model describes the four basic patterns of behavior.
Dominant (extroverted, task-oriented)
Inspiring (extroverted, people-oriented)
Supportive (introverted, people-oriented)
Cautious (introverted, task-oriented)
The high “D” person (dominant, direct, demanding, decisive, determined and a doer) usually wants information fast and without much detail. Studies show that 10 to 15 percent of the population is in this quadrant.
The high “I” person (inspiring, influential, impressionable, interested in people, interactive and impressive) often seeks information very quickly, with more detail and in a very friendly manner. About 25 to 30 percent of the population falls in this quadrant.
Someone high in the “S” quadrant (supportive, stable, steady, sweet, status quo and shy) will likely want details given step-by-step in a steady manner. They are very people-oriented. About 30 to 35 percent of the population is in the “S” quadrant.
If someone is a high “C” (cautious, calculating, competent, conscientious, contemplative and careful), they probably want a lot of detail but prefer to receive it very slowly to digest it and analyze it properly. About 20 to 25 percent of the population identifies with this quadrant.
Better Family Relationships
The idea is not necessarily to become a personality style expert but rather to understand those you interact with, which could range anywhere from only a few people to hundreds of people each day. Understanding each personality style can have a tremendous impact on your effectiveness, especially with your family and those you are closest to.
I am so grateful that I learned this distinction early on and could apply it in my family life. It’s so helpful to be able to understand and respond to my wife, Tammy, (who is a very high “C” personality) and kids in a way that benefits all of us.
For a long time, my oldest daughter had a tendency to be a “D” with a secondary “I,” and she wanted to make her choices autonomously. Tammy and I learned that it worked well if we gave her two satisfactory options for something and allowed her to choose one. She would win, and we would get what we wanted. Everyone was happy. But if we hadn’t understood that our child was a “D” personality and had demanded she do things instead of giving her the ability to have some control, we could have set ourselves up for a lot of frustration, stress and rebellion.
Related: How to Read People Like an FBI Agent
Do you want to have a really great marriage? Learn each other’s personalities and respond to each other accordingly. I’m very extroverted and outgoing, while my wife is the exact opposite—she’s very introverted and more cautious, calculating and task-oriented. We’ve had to understand and accept each other’s personality styles. She gives me the flexibility to travel the world as needed and to go out and meet people, but she doesn’t necessarily want to go to all of the events I attend. Yet she’s OK with my going, and I don’t insist she join me every time because we’ve figured out each other’s models for viewing the world. It produces a win for both of us and makes for a great relationship.
Rohm’s website (Personality-Insights.com) offers many great tools, including personality tests for your whole family—even for children as young as 4. Most of the tests are a series of simple questions (some tests with as few as 12) that can help you understand how to best respond to your family members. I suggest you explore his website and select the tools that will be most advantageous for you and your family.
Better Work Relationships
As you study the personality types I’ve described, you will be able to identify the styles of people you interact with professionally. Understanding the personality of your difficult teammate, for example, might help you relate to that person in such a way that you see a marked improvement in how you work together. And understanding the different personalities in any audience will enable you to customize your presentation to connect
I think you’ll see a dramatic increase in your results once you begin to understand the personalities of the people in your world.
Have questions for The RESULTS Guy? Send them to [email protected]
This article originally appeared in the February 2018 issue of SUCCESS magazine.