There’s a Better Way to Say ‘No’ to People

UPDATED: November 16, 2017
PUBLISHED: September 22, 2017

This post originally appeared on Shine, a free daily text to help you thrive.

You have three outstanding assignments sitting on your desk; your phone is lighting up with texts from your roommate reminding you of that party you don’t want to attend; and then your boss swings by to ask if you can stay late to help out on seven other tasks that need finishing.

Before you can stop yourself, “Uh, sure! I mean, of course,” tumbles out of your mouth. You know full well that you’re unable to handle another thing, but there’s just something about saying no that’s almost impossible to do.

Have ‘No’ Fear?

If the above situation sounds familiar, it’s not surprising—many of us are afraid to say no. Psychology Today offers two main reasons why: We fear conflict and we don’t like to disappoint others. Because of this, we often say yes even if taking on something else isn’t in our best interest. We want to make others feel better—but we sacrifice our own feelings and time in return.

For many, saying no can feel… harsh. But learning to turn down a request is a crucial skill to master. It’s important to create boundaries out of respect for yourself, your time and your energy—we truly can’t do it all.

So how do we get better at saying no? The answer involves swapping that word for something else entirely. Let us introduce you to your new magic words: “I don’t.”

The Power of ‘I Don’t’

When we’re skittish around the word no, we often try to decline requests with an “I can’t”—but “I don’t” is actually the best phrase to use. The reason is this: “I can’t” implies that you want to do something but an external factor is stopping you from doing it. It suggests you could do that task—and it leaves room for people to push back. For example, saying, “I can’t go to the party tonight” leaves lots of room for someone to respond with a “Why not?”

“I don’t,” on the other hand, reclaims your authority over your actions. When you say that you don’t do something, it’s an ironclad refusal—you as a human don’t do what’s being asked of you, and you don’t do it for your own sake. “I don’t go to parties on weeknights” is much more impactful than “I can’t go tonight.” The phrase turns a rejection into an affirmation of how you live your life, making it powerful and something you own.

Another example: If you have a co-worker asking you to step in on the office party planning committee, but you already have the responsibility of organizing the company’s retreat plus 10 outstanding work assignments, you can reply with a simple, “Although I wish I could help further, I don’t take on other projects when I’m behind on my existing assignments.” That statement is a lot harder to argue with than “I can’t do that right now,” and it’s more thoughtful than a plain no.

How to Use ‘I Don’t’ to Motivate Yourself

“I don’t” is also a powerful tool you can use when working toward your goals. If you incorporate it into your self-talk, it can increase your willpower.

When researchers at Boston College and the University of Houston conducted a small study looking into the use of “I don’t” and “I can’t,” they found that participants who said “I don’t skip exercise” rather than “I can’t skip exercise” ended up working out more often than the “I can’t” group. “Using the word ‘don’t’ serves as a self-affirmation of one’s personal willpower and control… leading to a favorable influence on feelings of empowerment, as well as on actual behavior,” the researchers wrote.

Take Control of ‘No’

Bottom line: “I don’t” puts the ball back in your court. It gives you authority over your no and leads to a powerful but respectful decline—or, an empowering motivational phrase.

It’s a lesson in framing, and it’s an easy way to turn dreaded no’s into something empowering. Give it a try next time you need to say no but feel yourself about to say yes.

Related: How I Learned Not to Pour From an Empty Cup

Anna Meyer

Shine is an award-winning self-care app and community for people with anxiety & depression.