If you’re like most people, you’ve probably been hit with the news of someone’s death. But when one of your friends is affected, it can feel more personal. It can be hard to know what to say or do in this situation. You want to be supportive, but the fear of saying the wrong thing can make people stay silent—or worse, say something hurtful.
The truth is, there is no script for grief—no perfect list of things to say and do that actually help. Everyone processes grief differently, so what comforts one person may hurt another. Still, showing up with compassion and a willingness to listen can make a world of difference. This guide can help you navigate tough conversations and learn how to help a grieving friend. Find suggestions on what to say, what not to say and practical ways to support them in the times ahead.
What to Say to a Grieving Friend
Grief is different for everyone. So even if you’ve experienced the same type of loss as your friend, it can be hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving. Consider what you might need if the roles were reversed. That extra bit of empathy can help you say the right things that will help your friend feel supported and cared about.
Things like, “I know this is hard, but I’m here for you” and “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Please let me know if you need anything at all,” acknowledge the difficulty while also offering support.
You could also text them “I’m out running errands. Can I get anything for you while I’m out?” Even something simple like “Thinking of you” can offer support from afar.
What Not to Say When Someone Is Grieving
Equally important as knowing what to say is knowing what not to say when someone is grieving. So, before you say or do something potentially hurtful, remember that not all nice-sounding phrases are helpful. Try to empathize before you speak—imagine yourself in the same situation. It may help you avoid platitudes or saying things like “It’ll be OK…” that may leave your friend feeling worse than they already did.
Avoid saying anything that starts with “At least…” These statements can minimize your friend’s experience, as they attempt to put a positive spin on an extremely painful and difficult situation. Whether or not a bright side exists isn’t for you to decide—that’s up to your friend.
Another phrase you should avoid is “I know how you feel.” The personal and unique nature of grief means that no matter how close the friend, you probably don’t know how they feel. It’s better to say something like, “I can’t even imagine how you feel, but if you want to talk, I’m here.”
Also, telling your friend to “be strong” is equally unhelpful. It can equate to telling them to stuff their feelings. It might be more helpful to remind them that even the strongest people can be vulnerable and feel helpless.
How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving
The fear of doing or saying the wrong thing may override our desire to help. It can hold us back from reaching out. This is because death and the resulting grief are hard. They are uncomfortable parts of life that nobody wants to experience. But knowing how to support someone who is grieving can help them through the process and remind them that you care.
When you offer help, be mindful of the answers you receive. How they respond to your offer can give you clues as to what type of help they need, even if they aren’t feeling talkative. The key is respecting their boundaries while not taking any negative responses personally.
Keep in mind that what you say may not be as important as listening to them. Listen as they vent their frustrations, fears and grief. Validate their feelings and reassure your friend that it’s OK to be angry, sad and to even feel numb—remind them that everyone processes grief differently.
Understand the Grieving Process
The more you understand about the grieving process and how a person recovers from the loss of a loved one, the better you can know how to help someone grieve. You may have heard of the five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. As a framework, they help understand grief, but the reality is messy.
For one, according to Grief.com, not everyone experiences all five stages. Some never find acceptance, while others are never angry. It can also be a nonlinear process, meaning your friend may indeed experience all those stages, but not necessarily in order.
The bottom line is that grief isn’t a logical process and often involves extreme emotions and behaviors. One day, they may sit in quiet acceptance that their loved one is gone. The next day, they may be screaming into the wind, demanding answers.
While there’s no set timeline for a grieving person to heal, many experts suggest that it can take 18 to 24 months to recover from a loss, and sometimes longer.
Decide How to Help a Grieving Friend
Knowing how to help someone who is grieving can feel challenging. When someone you know has lost a loved one, deciding what type of support to offer depends on a few things, such as how recent the loss and the nature of your relationship. The closer your relationship, the more likely you’ll want to offer more support.
Reaching out and offering support to a grieving person reminds them they aren’t alone and that someone else cares. The simple act of sitting with them in silence or letting them know that you are there for them, whatever they need, can help them keep moving forward.
Here are a few things you can do to support someone through their grief:
- Check in on them
- Listen more, talk less
- Be the shoulder they cry on
- Ask questions
- Offer practical help
- Sit in silence
Help With Logistics
If you’re wondering what to do to help a grieving friend, you can offer to help with practical aspects. The amount of work that has to be done after a death is astounding. In addition to the daily tasks of walking the dog or mowing the lawn, the bereaved must also make funeral arrangements, close bank accounts and eventually clean out their loved one’s things.
Offering to take any of this off their hands may be welcome, but it depends on the individual. Some are doers and cope by doing things—they may not want help with much. Others are more contemplative and need time to process, so taking some of those chores on for them would allow them space to process the loss.
Offer Emotional Support
Offering emotional support to your grieving friend can be as simple as sitting in silence next to them while they cry, talk, yell or even scream. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) recommends letting them guide the conversation and taking time to learn about their beliefs surrounding death.
Honor Cultural Differences
Depending on your friend’s cultural background, find out whether or not they prefer to hear the deceased person’s name. Some cultures, like some Indigenous communities in Australia, believe that not using their name is a mark of respect. However, others may feel that avoiding the name is erasing the person.
How to Know When Your Friend Needs More Help
One thing you can (and should!) do is make sure they don’t disappear. Although the rest of the world begins to move on, your friend is still surrounded by memories—photos, gifts, collectibles and clothing that still smells of the loved one. These are memories that can hold them hostage and create guilt surrounding the idea of moving on alone.
After the initial loss and handling the funeral and other final arrangements, a grieving friend may disappear—quietly removing themselves from social circles. While understandable, if this goes on too long, their recovery can stall out.
SAMHSA offers a few ways to know when your friend might need extra help to recover from the loss:
- Depression: overwhelming sadness and/or no ability to find joy. They may even have suicidal thoughts or behaviors.
- Dramatic habit changes: like sleeping all the time or not at all, eating too little or too much, or extreme isolation.
- Harmful coping: can include substance abuse (new or increasing), aggression and reckless behavior.
- Significant declines in health: Did their blood pressure suddenly spike and stay high? Maybe they’re losing too much weight or don’t have any energy.
How to Be There for a Friend in the Long Term
Knowing how to help a grieving friend goes beyond the current moment. Make sure you’re there for the long haul. Grief isn’t a one-and-done situation and takes time to process—often, many months pass during the grieving process. The funeral (or celebration of life, depending on the individual) is one part of that process for the bereaved, but is also when many friends drop off the radar. Take the time to check in with them and see how they are doing. Some days will be good… others, not so much.
- Let them know you’re there to listen, help or just sit.
- Continue to offer practical, specific help and invite them out for lunch, a hike or something else they enjoy.
- Continue to support them after the funeral is over.
- Remember the anniversaries and birthdays of the person who passed away.
- Don’t let your fear of saying or doing the wrong thing keep you from reaching out.
Showing Up Matters More Than Having the Right Words
Grief is a journey without a map. No words or actions can erase someone’s pain, but your presence, empathy and willingness to listen can be the support they need to keep going. Thinking about how to be there for someone grieving in their specific situation and showing up with genuine compassion can go a long way.
Whether offering a comforting text or sitting in silence, the little moments of connection and kindness can help your friend move forward, healing one step at a time.
If you’ve ever worried about what to say or struggled to help someone through their loss, you are not alone. These conversations are hard, but they matter. Join us for a special episode of Unscripted for a real-life, unscripted story about navigating grief and finding strength.
This article was updated August 2025. Photo courtesy of PeopleImages.com – Yuri A/Shutterstock
