How to Understand What You Really Want From Life—And Get It

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Summary

When was the last time you asked yourself what you actually want from life? If you can’t remember, you’re not alone. Life and business coach Bershan Shaw says that many intelligent people find themselves drifting instead of driving their own destinies.

In 2009, Bershan was told that she had stage IV terminal breast cancer and only three months to live. She not only defied the diagnosis but used it as an opportunity to reevaluate her life, go after what she truly wanted and help others do the same. 

“There were a lot of things holding me back,” Bershan says. “[The] fear of speaking up. Fear of making it. I didn’t want to speak my mind, didn’t want to speak my truth. Those were my fears. And that’s a cancer.”

Today, in addition to being a coach, Bershan is a motivational speaker, host of the podcast Buckle Up with Bershan, and an author; her latest book, The Unstoppable Warrior Woman, was published in 2020. She’s also working on a personal development app, UrAWarrior, and made a cameo in season 13 of Bravo’s The Real Housewives of New York City.

In this episode of SUCCESS Stories, Chief Storytelling Officer Kindra Hall talks to Bershan about how to get to the heart of what you really want from life, the one step she always takes before speaking her mind and why resilience beats perfection.

Claim the future you deserve.

Some people stop striving to reach their goals because a tiny part of them doesn’t truly believe they are capable of achieving them. In Bershan’s experience, this is especially true for women. 

“I coach thousands of people all around the world, and you’d be surprised how many women don’t think they should be CEO just because they’re a woman,” she says.

Instead of questioning your abilities, admit to yourself the scariest truth: your goals are within reach if you have courage to meet them. “That’s stepping into your power. When you understand that you deserve it, it comes,” she says.

Ask yourself what you want.

Alternatively, some people have got so used to coasting along that they don’t even know what their goals are anymore. 

The first thing Bershan asks her coaching clients is:

  • What is it that you want from life? 
  • What do you stand for? 

Many people, she says, end up following along with their partner’s plans, or trying to please their parents. Standing in your power means identifying what truly drives you and makes you come alive.

If you’re struggling to identify that, think back to when you were a kid, before the world taught you to stop dreaming. “When my clients think back to what they loved as a child, they get it,” she says. “For example, they’re like, ‘Oh, I always loved to run, but I don’t do it now.’ Why don’t you do it now? It’s because people think, ‘Oh, I’m an adult; I can’t do it.’ Yes, you can. Get back to loving what you do.”

Writing it down makes it real.

Once you’ve decided on your goal, don’t keep it locked in your head—or it will stay there. “People tell me all the time, ‘I have a dream, I have a goal, but I never write it down.’ Well, that’s a silent dream,” Bershan says. “I tell people to speak your dreams.”

Put what you want out into the world by writing it down, creating a vision board, or through affirmations. Creating a physical manifestation of the idea in your head is the first step to actually achieving it. 

“You write it down, you affirm it, you make the decision, you stay focused, and you execute,” she says.

Say what you need to say (but take a breath first).

Holding your tongue to please people around you might make them comfortable, but it’s going to hold you back in the long term. Bershan says that since receiving her breast cancer diagnosis, she’s a reformed people-pleaser: now she says exactly what’s on her mind. 

That doesn’t mean lashing out. “I take a breath, and then I talk,” she says. “That little beat will help you: it will help you not explode, it will help you not go wrong, it will help you to really understand.”

Being a warrior doesn’t mean never failing.

Perfection is overrated—not to mention impossible, even for someone as impressive as Bershan. “I’m not saying I don’t make mistakes, And I have some down, dark days. I’m saying, I do the work and get myself back up. I’m normal: I yell, and scream, and act out. But if I do, I have the tools now to check myself. And I always put myself in someone else’s shoes.”

You are going to come face-to-face with obstacles you think you can’t navigate. Make the choice to tackle them anyway. It might not work out, but what matters is that you keep trying. 

“Keep on going: be a warrior,” Bershan says. “And when I say be a warrior, I don’t mean don’t get it wrong. I don’t mean that you won’t make mistakes. I don’t mean that you won’t fail. I mean that you fall down and you get back up.”

SUCCESS Stories is no longer releasing new episodes on the SUCCESS Podcast Network, but you can still listen to the full conversation below.

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