How to Show Gratitude to Your Past Present and Future Self

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By this point in your self-care journey, you’re likely familiar with the idea of&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/gratitude-is-self-care-gold-heres-how-to-actually-make-it-a-habit/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">practicing gratitude</a>&nbsp;and its many upsides.



Regularly expressing
thanks for the people, things and events in your life has been linked to better
sleep, smarter financial decisions and a host of other benefits.



But how often do you
turn that gratitude inward rather than outward, thanking yourself for what
you’ve done or the way you’ve handled a tricky situation?



While it’s easy to thank
others for their generosity, practicing self-gratitude often slips under the
radar—but it shouldn’t.



“There are many benefits
to practicing self-gratitude,” Toronto-based mental health professional Krystal
Kavita Jagoo, MSW, says. “Research shows that doing so shapes a positive
relationship with one's sense of self, which promotes stable mental health, and
I have seen that in my work with clients of all ages over the last decade.”



Plus, the benefits of the self-focused practice extend beyond the self. By developing a&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-i-made-self-gratitude-a-habit-and-stopped-feeling-awkward-about-it/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">better sense of self-gratitude</a>, she says, her clients are more compassionate and accepting of themselves, which then translates to optimism and empathy in their relationships with others. “(It) bodes well for maintaining strong connections,” she says.



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<h4 class="has-text-align-center">Self-gratitude helps shape a positive relationship with one's sense of self, which promotes stable mental health.</h4>



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There are a whole host
of ways to practice self-gratitude, all centered around acknowledging your
actions and emotions in some form. In Jagoo’s practice, she’s encouraged
patients to write down their “wins” on a piece of paper and deposit them into a
goblet on her desk, so they could see how their various successes added up over
time. When things weren’t going so well, the slips of paper serve as physical
reminders of their toughness and emotional accomplishments.



“As with any practice, I would encourage individuals to be gentle with themselves if it is difficult to get started or&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/what-made-me-finally-understand-this-whole-gratitude-thing/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">keep going with incorporating self-gratitude into their life</a>, as patterns can take a while to develop,” she says, “but consistent effort over time is how we can work towards progress.”



Want to develop a
self-gratitude practice of your own? Consider starting with this three-step
practice of picking one gratitude from your past, present and future self.



That could mean thanking
your past self for having the courage to move to a new city, your current self
for putting in the work to form lasting friendships, and your future self for
continuing to nurture those relationships.



Intrigued? Here’s how to
get started.



<h3>Thank Your Past Self</h3>



Begin by reflecting on
what you’ve done or experienced in the past, from childhood through recent
memory. Chances are, you’ve survived some sticky situations.



Maybe you hauled yourself out of a&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-spot-and-deal-with-a-one-sided-relationship/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">toxic relationship</a>.



Perhaps you made it
through school against pretty rough odds.



You might’ve simply had
the humility to acknowledge a mistake and move forward.



It could even be having
the foresight to cultivate a certain friendship, or fight for something you
knew you wanted.



Whatever you’re proud
of, let yourself feel it. You’ve earned that sense of accomplishment, no matter
how small the event that prompted it.



<h3>Thank Your Present Self</h3>



Next, think about what
you’re doing right now to benefit you.



At the very least,
you’re taking a few minutes for this self-gratitude practice, but there’s
likely more you can name here.



Maybe you recently set aside an hour for a much-needed yoga class, or&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-actually-treat-yourself-like-a-friend/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">treated yourself like a friend</a>&nbsp;after a major disappointment.



Reflect upon or jot down
whatever comes to mind, taking a moment to really acknowledge each entry. 



You’re making these
things happen—go, you!



<h3>Thank Your Future Self</h3>



Hands up if thinking
about the future ever sends a shiver down your spine.



I know I’ve certainly had my share of&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-accept-not-fear-your-fuzzy-uncertain-future/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">concerns about the future</a>, often centered around doing the wrong thing or choosing the wrong path.



What if, instead of
worrying about future mistakes, you thank yourself for them? What if you thank
yourself for having the grace to reroute when you’ve chosen the wrong path or
for holding onto the lessons you’re learning at the moment?



Showing gratitude to future you can be a good reminder that you can and will show up for yourself. It'll help you shed some of those “what comes next?” worries.



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<h4 class="has-text-align-center">Showing gratitude to future you can be a good reminder that you can and will show up for yourself.</h4>



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Once you’ve got a past,
present and future item, take one last moment to soak up the gratitude.



You might thank yourself
aloud if you’re in a place to do so, wrapping your arms around yourself for a
little self-hug.



You might keep a
physical list of the three examples with you throughout the day, to serve as a
reminder of what you’ve done and will do.



You could even get a
friend involved, carving out time for a self-gratitude practice together, then
sharing what you’ve come up with.



However you practice,
remember: It’s a journey.



—<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/author/molly-shea/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">Molly Shea</a>



This post originally appeared on&nbsp;<a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P" target="_blank">Shine</a>, an app that helps you feel more positive &amp; powerful every day.



Photo by Reid Murphy / Twenty20

How often do you turn gratitude inward rather than outward, thanking yourself for what you’ve done or the way you’ve handled a tricky situation?

How often do you turn gratitude inward rather than outward, thanking yourself for what you’ve done or the way you’ve handled a tricky situation? | SUCCESS

How to Show Gratitude to Your Past, Present and Future Self

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I don’t want to say the P-word, since you probably think about it all the time, anyway.



“I really want my picture to be p.......” 
“Just&nbsp;one&nbsp;more draft will make my short story even more
p.......” 
“Should I go to Maine or Wyoming? Which state is more p....... in September?”



Alright, fine, I’ll say it: The word I’m talking about is&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/i-let-go-of-my-perfect-life-and-found-myself/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">perfect</a>.



We so badly want to make perfect decisions, and only encounter perfect outcomes, that we often freeze up before doing anything at all.



But what if perfect was merely an illusion? And what if, instead of perfect, we sought instead to make things... fine? Yes.&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/guess-what-being-consistently-good-enough-can-unlock-your-greatness/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">Fine</a>.



Fine works. Fine you can live with. And fine moves you forward.



This idea of making “Mostly Fine Decisions” (or MFDs) is addictive if you think about it. You’re not giving up your ambition or&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-best-goals-start-with-why/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">your goals</a>, but you&nbsp;are&nbsp;getting things done.



“The MFD is the minimum outcome you’re willing to accept as a consequence of a decision. It’s what you’d be perfectly fine with, rather than the outcome that would be perfect,”&nbsp;<a rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)" href="https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/07/smarter-living/its-never-going-to-be-perfect-so-just-get-it-done.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fsmarter-living" target="_blank">writes</a>&nbsp;Smarter Living editor Tim Herrera at The&nbsp;New York Times.



The MFD can be applied in any number of contexts that are stopping you in your tracks. It might be something you’re deciding&nbsp;between&nbsp;or something that you’re deciding to&nbsp;do—or not do.



Here’s how to start making more Mostly Fine Decisions in your own life, starting with something you might be thinking (or&nbsp;<a rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)" href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/dear-overthinking-its-time-for-me-to-unsubscribe/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank">overthinking</a>,&nbsp;nudge nudge) right now.



<h3>What’s been bugging you for at least a week?</h3>



Don’t worry, this doesn’t have to be painful—we’ll figure out a
solution.



But think about a&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/we-make-35k-decisions-a-day-heres-how-to-beat-decision-fatigue/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">decision</a>, or a debate, that’s been running in your mind for at least a week.



Maybe you’re trying to figure out whether you should sign up for
that piano class or that rock-climbing gym; maybe you’re deciding whether to
move forward with one of your side gigs or quit your job; or maybe, for a fun
version, to decide simply where you should go on vacation.



Because you know you’ve been thinking about&nbsp;something&nbsp;just
a little too hard.



Write it down. (Actually, write down all of them—you can repeat
this exercise when it’s over.)



<h3>Ask yourself: How much time have I already spent thinking about this?</h3>



Fair warning: The answer might terrify you.



If you’ve been debating over something—or&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-6-delay-flavors-that-lead-to-procrastination/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">procrastinating</a>—for at least a week, try to estimate how much time you’ve thought about it each day. Then, multiply it by the number of days this has been nagging you.



I just did this for one of my wow-I'm-still-thinking-about-this
decisions, and it’s at least two hours. Two full hours! Of my life! In which I
considered everything but actually accomplished nothing!



Now think about if another week goes by, and another after
that... how much time will you be spending&nbsp;thinking?



<h3>Now consider: What’s the worst thing that could happen?</h3>



Instead of a pro/con list, cut to the chase: What’s the worst
thing that could happen if you made a decision about this today?



Would you be rushing some essential elements? Would you miss out
on future opportunities? Will you be leaving money on the table? Will you have
regret?



If any of these things are deal breakers, you probably already have your answer. But if you can find an outcome that seems totally fine,&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/why-realistic-optimism-is-your-best-positive-thinking-move/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">realistic</a>&nbsp;even, then you’re well on your way.



Figuring out what is holding you back is crucial to the next
step, which is... just doing it.



<h3>Figure out what the Mostly Fine Decision looks like.</h3>



If, as they say, “<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/honor-your-imperfections-with-the-japanese-art-of-kintsugi/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">perfect is the enemy of good</a>,” then it’s time to figure out what “good” is.



Good might be losing a little bit of sleep but finally crossing
that item off your to-do list. Good might be submitting a rough draft on time
rather than a “perfect” draft a week late. Good might be looking into U-Hauls
rather than always talking about wanting to move.



<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-aiming-for-good-enough-can-help-you-beat-procrastination/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">Good</a>&nbsp;doesn’t sound so bad, does it?



I know it’s nice to want everything to look perfect, seem
perfect and be perfect. But if perfect doesn’t actually exist (because it looks
different to everyone, you know?), then imagine a world that looks fine, seems
fine and is fine—because you made it so.



All you have to do is decide. Do it and it will be done.



What Mostly Fine Decisions can you make right now?



—<a rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)" href="https://advice.shinetext.com/author/kara-cutruzzula/" target="_blank">Kara Cutruzzula</a>



<blockquote class="wp-block-quote">Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/give-yourself-permission-to-make-decisions/">How to Stop Crowdsourcing Your Decisions and Give Yourself Permission</a></blockquote>



This post originally appeared on&nbsp;<a rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)" href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P" target="_blank">Shine</a>, an app that helps you feel more positive &amp; powerful every day.



Photo by Cookie Studio / Shutterstock

Learn how to start making more “Mostly Fine Decisions” in your life, starting with something you might be thinking (or overthinking) right now.

We so badly want to make perfect decisions, and only encounter perfect outcomes, that we often freeze up before doing anything at all. But what if perfect was merely an illusion? And what if, instead of perfect, we sought instead to make things... fine? | SUCCESS

Why You Should Make More ‘Mostly Fine Decisions’

Why You Should Make More ‘Mostly Fine Decisions’ | SUCCESS

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The other day, I listened to a podcast featuring&nbsp;<a href="https://ruthsoukup.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">Ruth Soukup</a>, author of the book&nbsp;<a rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)" href="https://amzn.to/2JZlxpy" target="_blank">Do It Scared: Finding the Courage to Face Your Fears, Overcome Obstacles, and Create a Life You Love</a>.



After surveying over 4,000 adults, Soukup and a team of researchers and psychologists found that the type of&nbsp;<a href="https://amzn.to/2JXMHNA" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">fear that holds us back in life</a>&nbsp;manifests itself in seven different ways. It’s what she refers to as the&nbsp;<a rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)" href="https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ruth-soukup-seven-fear-archetypes-descriptions-and-how-to-figure-out-yours" target="_blank">“fear archetypes.”</a>



According to Soukup’s study, the
fear archetypes include: the Procrastinator, the Rule Follower, the People
Pleaser, the Outcast, the Self-Doubter, the Excuse Maker and the Pessimist.



You can probably already see
yourself in one (or many) of these categories—I know I could.



“While each of us possesses a few qualities of all seven archetypes, most of us have at least one dominant archetype that affects us more strongly than the others and plays out in our lives in more noticeable ways,” Soukup explains in an article for&nbsp;<a href="https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ruth-soukup-seven-fear-archetypes-descriptions-and-how-to-figure-out-yours" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">Mindbodygreen</a>.



At first glance, I assumed my “dominant archetype” would be the People Pleaser, or maybe the Rule Follower. But after taking Soukup’s archetype&nbsp;<a href="https://doitscared.com/dis-assessment/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">assessment</a>&nbsp;quiz, I was surprised to learn that I was actually a Procrastinator. She explained this archetype is often associated with those who consider themselves to be&nbsp;<a rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)" href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/i-let-go-of-my-perfect-life-and-found-myself/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank">perfectionists</a>.



I worried learning more about my “Procrastinator”
tendencies would upset me—but after taking a deep dive into the Procrastinator
archetype, I actually found the information empowering. It reminded me: By
identifying what holds you back, you’re better able to make the changes
necessary to overcome it. We&nbsp;all&nbsp;carry fear, and accepting the
type of fear you carry is the first step in pushing past it.



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<h3 class="has-text-align-center">By identifying what holds you back, you’re better able to make the changes necessary to overcome it.</h3>



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So, here’s a breakdown of the seven fear archetypes and how to make them work for you. We also tapped&nbsp;<a href="https://www.slayyouranxiety.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">Dr. Alicia Hodge</a>, Psy.D., a psychologist and speaker, to give us her feedback on a few of them.



<h2>1. The Procrastinator</h2>



As mentioned before, I was pretty
surprised to get this archetype, but after reading the description, I felt very
seen.



The Procrastinators often obsess over the end product or outcome of whatever they’re doing and insist on it being perfect. Because of this: They tend to spend too much time planning and researching instead of simply diving in. They&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-olympics-are-your-reminder-to-just-start/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label="hold themselves back from even getting started (opens in a new tab)">hold themselves back from even getting started</a><a rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label="started&nbsp; (opens in a new tab)" href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-olympics-are-your-reminder-to-just-start/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank">&nbsp;</a>in the first place.



For Procrastinators: It’s important
to push past that fear of starting.



“Getting started may feel like a
big hill to climb, but you cannot edit or revise something that does not
exist,” Hodge says. “Be careful not to place energy into a perfectly finished product;
instead use it to troubleshoot an outline or an initial push.”



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<h3 class="has-text-align-center">“You cannot edit or revise something that does not exist.” –Dr. Alicia Hodge, Psy.D.</h3>



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Hodge suggests setting a deadline
for when your planning and researching period will end and when you’ll actually
get started.



“Realize that the problem with ‘perfect’ is that nothing will ever be&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-aiming-for-good-enough-can-help-you-beat-procrastination/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">good enough</a>,” she says. “Set realistic standards and work towards doing your best.”



<h2>2. The Rule Follower</h2>



Quite literally, this person is
dedicated to following the distinct rules and guidelines set by those around
them. They’re obsessed with always trying to make the&nbsp;right&nbsp;decision,
despite its potential effect on their own success.



The best way to overcome this is by&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/6-acts-of-self-compassion-to-help-calm-your-inner-critic/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog">leaning into self-</a><a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/6-acts-of-self-compassion-to-help-calm-your-inner-critic/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label="compassion (opens in a new tab)">compassion</a>.



Allow yourself the opportunity and
space to possibly make the “wrong” decision—and, if you do, assure yourself
that it is OK.



You’re human, and it’s important to
define your own set of guiding principles instead of always leaning on others
or outside factors.



<hr class="wp-block-separator is-style-wide"/>



<h3 class="has-text-align-center">Allow yourself the opportunity and space to possibly make the “wrong” decision—and if you do, assure yourself that it is OK.</h3>



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<h2>3. The People Pleaser</h2>



Those who have the People Pleaser
archetype struggle with the fear of being judged and worry most about
disappointing others. They have a hard time setting clear boundaries and saying
“no.”



“Having&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-set-boundaries-and-stop-feeling-guilty-about-it/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">boundaries</a>&nbsp;often sounds scary to someone who is used to putting others first,” Hodge says. “Although this often comes from a genuine and thoughtful place, it can lead you to be the last priority.”



Hodge emphasizes that you can’t
pour from an empty cup, meaning that when you’re “in tune with your own wants
and desires, you become a better friend, partner and family member.”



“Taking care of yourself is the
only way to learn how to improve in this area,” she says. “Remind yourself that
you deserve to be prioritized, just as much as other people in your life.”



<h2>4. The Outcast</h2>



Those with the Outcast archetype may appear to be fearless on the outside, but on the inside, their biggest fear is&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/3-ways-to-make-rejection-suck-less/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label="rejection (opens in a new tab)">rejection</a>. Therefore, they often try to reject others first to avoid being hurt.



Hodge’s advice for the Outcast: “Take the time to ask yourself if you are&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-1-question-that-helps-me-combat-negative-thinking/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog">focusing on the worst-case</a><a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-1-question-that-helps-me-combat-negative-thinking/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)"> </a><a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-1-question-that-helps-me-combat-negative-thinking/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog">scenario</a>&nbsp;and what some other alternatives may be,” she says. “Oftentimes if you only think about how poor the outcome is, you overlook the benefits of a situation.”



Giving others a chance can possibly
unearth some unexpected results, too. “Look for evidence that you can trust
others and know that if things don’t go well you are already experienced at
ending a situation!”



<h2>5. The Self-Doubter</h2>



This archetype is dominated by the fear of not being good enough. Those who&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/want-to-overcome-self-doubt-make-a-habit-of-action/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">self doubt</a>&nbsp;tend to feel insecure about their capabilities.



They can sometimes find it
difficult to put themselves out there—or on the flipside, judge others to mask
their own fears.



Those who self doubt are often the
hardest workers—they put forth a lot of effort to overcome their fear of not
being good enough.



A good way to overcome self-doubt
is to step outside of your comfort zone every once in a while—and take note of
the outcome. When you practice being proactive about your life, you’ll be
surprised to see just how much you are capable of.



<h2>6. The Excuse Maker</h2>



Those who identify with the Excuse
Maker archetype have difficulty taking responsibility for their life choices
and goals.



Instead of stepping up to lead every once in a while, they find themselves taking a backseat to avoid accountability. They&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-stop-crowdsourcing-your-decisions-and-give-yourself-permission/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">allow others to make decisions in their own lives</a>.



“Going with the flow can be
tempting because then you don’t feel responsible for any negative
outcomes," Hodge says. “The reality of this is that even being passive is
a choice. Oftentimes, it can be difficult to meet a goal if you are not
actively moving in a direction.”



And allowing others to make
decisions for you is tricky because they may not always value your best
interest. Hodge suggests Excuse Makers try setting small daily goals—and stick
with them.



“There is great&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/your-pride-is-a-strength-heres-how-to-use-it/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label="pride&nbsp; (opens in a new tab)">pride&nbsp;</a>in accomplishing something that you set out to do!” she says. “You can also ask a friend who seems to be active for some tips or assistance with planning some short-term goals.”



Hodge often uses the&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-best-goals-start-with-why/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">S.M.A.R.T. goal model</a>&nbsp;to help create measurable and realistic goals. It stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timely.



By breaking down each of your
goals, you’ll be able to bring structure and trackability to them. “There is no
need to overwhelm yourself when getting started, simply ask yourself how you
could improve in small ways,” Hodge adds.



<h2>7. The Pessimist</h2>



Finally: The Pessimist archetype struggles with the fear of adversity and hardship. Due to past or current&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-the-finnish-concept-of-sisu-can-help-you-through-tough-times/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">trauma or difficulties</a>, those who are the Pessimist archetype often feel victimized—and sometimes rightly so. But Pessimists can tend to look at hardships as stop signs or a reason to give up.



It’s important to practice looking
at hardships as stepping stones or lessons, instead of roadblocks. We all go
through difficulties in life, it’s just a matter of how we look at them that
really shapes the outcome.



<hr class="wp-block-separator is-style-wide"/>



<h3 class="has-text-align-center">We all go through difficulties in life, it’s just a matter of how we look at them that really shapes the outcome.</h3>



<hr class="wp-block-separator is-style-wide"/>



The next time something tough gets
thrown your way, take a moment to step back and evaluate the situation. Think
about the lesson this challenge might be teaching you, or how you can make the
outcome more favorable.



It takes time, but when we train
our minds to think more positively, we’ll feel more at peace.



—<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/author/aisha-beau/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">Aisha Beau</a>



<blockquote class="wp-block-quote">Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/7-brave-steps-to-become-fearless/">7 Brave Steps to Become Fearless</a></blockquote>



This post originally appeared on&nbsp;<a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P" target="_blank">Shine</a>, an app that helps you feel more positive &amp; powerful every day. Photo by Marina Vitale / Unsplash

By identifying what holds you back, you’re better able to make the changes necessary to overcome it. We all carry fear, and accepting the type of fear you carry is the first step in pushing past it.

By identifying what holds you back, you’re better able to make the changes necessary to overcome it. We all carry fear, and accepting the type of fear you carry is the first step in pushing past it. | SUCCESS

The 7 Types of Fear That Hold Us Back—and How to Overcome Them

The 7 Types of Fear That Hold Us Back—and How to Overcome Them | SUCCESS

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From a young age, we’re either labeled <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/feeling-bleh-heres-why-you-should-try-creative-destruction/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">creative</a> or not creative. If we don’t show early signs of Picasso-esque genius during kindergarten art class, the paintbrush is taken away and we sit back and watch as other kids are praised as “creative.” We learn quickly that <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/your-self-consciousness-is-killing-your-creativity/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">creativity</a> just isn’t meant for us.

It’s true that we’re not all meant to be painters, singers, or writers, but the idea that a creative person has to be good with <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/heres-how-to-actually-make-journaling-a-habit/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">words</a>, acrylics, or singing on key is a fallacy.

You, dear reader, are a creative. We’re all born creative—it just takes uncovering and owning our particular kind of creativity.
<h2>Redefining the Meaning of Creativity</h2>
Creativity can be anything that has meaning to you, which means there can be creativity in nearly everything you do—math, relationships, <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/why-a-travel-intention-will-radically-transform-your-next-adventure/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">travel</a>, customer service, even cleaning! If it has meaning to you—if it brings you joy, satisfaction, or a sense of accomplishment—it can be your special creative outlet.

<a href="https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320947.php" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Research shows</a> that having a creative hobby can boost brain activity, help individuals cope with <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-take-the-stress-out-of-pressure/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">stress</a>, and promote overall wellness and positivity. For those who have convinced themselves that they’re not creatives, these benefits might seem out of reach—but when you redefine the meaning of creativity, the possibilities become endless.

<hr />

<h4 style="text-align: center;">Creative thinking (aka being innovative) is the key that unlocks your inner artist.</h4>

<hr />

Another misconception about creativity is that there has to be an end result that others can behold or admire, like a painting, novel, or song. For those creatives who will never pick up a paintbrush, throw clay, or strum an instrument, the joy of creativity can still be found in the <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-science-backed-reason-you-should-praise-your-process/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">process</a> of creative thinking.

Creative thinking (aka being innovative) is the key that unlocks your inner artist. Creative thinking is the process of looking at a situation from a new <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-committing-to-a-challenge-can-change-your-perspective/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">perspective</a> to come up with new, maybe unorthodox, solutions.

If you think about it, we use this type of creativity all the time. If your train breaks down and you need to get to work, you use creative thinking to piece together the lines that will get you to your destination. If the recipe calls for strawberries but you’re fresh out, you improvise and make a delicious blackberry rhubarb pie.

<hr />

<h4 style="text-align: center;">In order to consciously tap into this part of yourself in a meaningful, intentional way, you need to explore the things that bring you joy.</h4>

<hr />

We’re all <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-own-your-work-capacity/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">capable</a> of these simple, everyday forms of innovation—so you’re already halfway to owning your creativity.

In order to consciously tap into this part of yourself in a meaningful, intentional way, you need to explore the things that bring you <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-find-joy-in-the-valleys-not-just-the-mountain-highs/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">joy</a>. It might take some work to undo the years of denying your inner creative—to quiet the voice that says, “Me, a creative? I don’t think so.” But when you identify that special something that you can pour your heart into, you’ll be able to reap the benefits of creative living.

For those whose creative outlet isn’t as obvious, here are three tips on how to discover and own your creativity:
<h3>1. Discover your creative outlet.</h3>
In order to <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/why-its-brave-to-go-at-your-own-pace/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">own</a> your creativity, you first need to discover your specific means of self-expression. Your creative medium might not yet be clear. It might be something that you glean over in your life, or something that you excel at but that you take for granted.

In order to pinpoint your unique creative outlet, try asking yourself these starter questions:
<ul>
 	<li>What gives me meaning?</li>
 	<li>What brings me joy?</li>
 	<li>What environments or situations am I naturally drawn to?</li>
 	<li>What makes me unique?</li>
 	<li>What do my friends love about me?</li>
 	<li>What do I daydream about?</li>
</ul>
Some of your answers might be cooking, gardening, being a great listener, having great hairstyles, making people <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-achieve-more-and-stay-happy/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">smile</a>, being a really organized person. Believe it or not, all of these things are creative endeavors. All it takes is first recognizing it’s your art and your form of expression.
<h3>2. Own your art.</h3>
Now that you know your creative outlet, it’s time to think of it as your masterpiece and of yourself as an <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/what-photographing-500-women-across-the-world-taught-this-artist-about/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">artist</a>. As an artist, it’s important to acknowledge the ways in which you excel at your craft.

<hr />

<h4 style="text-align: center;">Creativity becomes even more powerful when you think outside of the box and explore new ways to express your talent.</h4>

<hr />

For example, you might realize that your version of creativity is being an attentive friend. That’s amazing. Now, ask yourself what a <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/what-we-can-learn-from-the-best-relationships/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">friendship</a> with you looks like. What about your interaction with loved ones makes it an art? Your answers might be: I am trustworthy, I love cheering my friends up, I enjoy giving people advice, I enjoy thinking of ways to make my friends feel important.

Be proud of the unique attributes you bring to the table. Know they set you apart from other creatives and people doing the same thing.
<h3>3. Challenge yourself to think outside the box.</h3>
Once you’ve taken ownership of your <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/4-ways-to-turn-your-new-idea-into-a-reality/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">creativity</a>, the magic can begin. Creativity becomes even more powerful when you think outside of the box and explore new ways to express your talent. For example, if you feel creative when spending time in nature, how can you find new ways to experience this joy?

<hr />

<h4 style="text-align: center;">In a world where we’re constantly bombarded with images, videos, and soundbites of creative expression, it’s easy to diminish our own talents.</h4>

<hr />

You could try painting one of your favorite pictures from a hike. Or, if you live in a city, you might take time during the weekend to uncover a hidden patch of greenery in your urban jungle. Maybe you can try planting some succulents so you can nurture your own bit of wildlife during the winter months. The <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-great-possibility-of-an-unstructured-day/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">possibilities</a> are truly endless.

In a world where we’re constantly bombarded with images, videos, and soundbites of creative expression, it’s easy to diminish our own talents. Those people we see on movie screens or on our <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/stuck-in-a-social-media-comparison-trap-heres-how-to-shake-it-off/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">social media</a> feeds are brilliant, but remember that you are, too.

When you give yourself permission to call yourself a creative—and believe it—a whole world of innovative thinking, self-expression, and joy will open up to you.
Related: <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/shikata-ga-nai-is-the-japanese-art-of-letting-go-and-its-glorious/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Shikata Ga Nai Is the Japanese Art of Letting Go—and It’s Glorious</a>
—<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/author/april-hautea/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">April Hautea</a>
This post originally appeared on <a href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Shine</a>, an app that helps you feel more positive &amp; powerful every day.

Photo by Dean Drobot / Shutterstock.com

Give yourself permission to call yourself a creative by trying these three tips to discover and own your particular kind of creativity.

Give yourself permission to call yourself a creative by trying these three tips to discover and own your particular kind of creativity. | SUCCESS

3 Tips on How to Discover and Own Your Creativity

3 Tips on How to Discover and Own Your Creativity | SUCCESS

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How to Stop Crowdsourcing Your Decisions and Give Yourself Permission

For most of us, we’ve had to ask for permission our entire lives.

Beginning with our parents or caregivers, then our teachers and professors, and from there our superiors in the workplace.

Asking for permission in our day-to-day seems to be the norm, but what happens when it begins to trickle into our personal lives and the decisions that affect our&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/a-gentle-reminder-your-happiness-counts?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">happiness</a>?

In these instances, we start leaning on our friends, co-workers and loved ones to make decisions we can actually make on our own. Decisions like speaking up, whether we should go out or stay in, pick up a new hobby, start that business plan, or purchase those trendy jeans.

It’s as though these choices are less about our own aspirations and more so about&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-quit-your-approval-addiction-especially-at-work/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">acceptance from others</a>.

The truth is: The only person we need approval from is ourselves.

Looking inward to give ourselves permission to&nbsp;do&nbsp;and&nbsp;feel&nbsp;may be the key to unlock the fulfillment we desire.

<hr>

<h4 style="text-align: center;">The only person we need approval from is ourselves.
</h4>

<hr>

When it comes to unearthing your full potential, you can benefit from taking a step back to assess what you want and instead of asking for permission—giving it to yourself.

When it comes to giving yourself permission, you can do so in many different areas of your life. Here are just a few to start with:
<h3>1. Give yourself permission to indulge in day-to-day needs and desires.</h3>
Whether it’s getting a new haircut, starting a blog, going on a solo vacation or simply choosing when to&nbsp;<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-guard-your-yes-and-own-your-no/" rel="noopener noreferrer">say "no"</a>—it’s important that you're the one to give yourself the green light on a regular basis.

I learned this lesson firsthand. For the past year, I’ve been freelancing, which means my finances have been pretty tight. I’ve put myself on a strict budget and done my best to stick to it consistently. But recently, it got to the point in which I was putting out so much work and not partaking in the things I once enjoyed, not even in the slightest, and it left me feeling restricted and unhappy.

So, I decided that I had to give myself permission to, well, treat myself every once in a while. Whether that’s biweekly manicures or buying instead of making my own lunch once a week—it feels good to give myself the permission to indulge in some things that make me happy, no matter how tiny the splurge.
<h3>2. Give yourself permission to fail.</h3>
Often times, our anxiety about putting ourselves out there is driven by our&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/5-signs-your-fear-of-failure-is-keeping-you-from-your-best-life/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">fear of failure</a>.

Taking healthy risks are necessary when it comes to getting ahead, and failure will only help you get to where you want to go. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. It can quite possibly bring about more than you’d ever previously imagined.

<hr>

<h4 style="text-align: center;">Give yourself permission to be imperfect.
</h4>

<hr>

<h3>3. Give yourself permission to be happy and&nbsp;sad.</h3>
Celebrate when you’ve done something well. Genuinely accept compliments from others. Share your good news. It’s OK to give yourself the space to bask in your most joyful moments and be your biggest cheerleader!

On the other hand, when you&nbsp;aren’t&nbsp;feeling so great, that’s OK, too.&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-deal-with-your-meta-emotions-aka-feeling-bad-about-your-feelings/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Lean into these feelings</a>&nbsp;and get an understanding of why you feel that way.

Also, know that you are allowed to be sad or feel hurt by things—you’re human. Emotion is inevitable, and no one feels happiness 24/7. You might even feel sad&nbsp;and&nbsp;happy at the same time (ah, the joy of mixed emotions!). Fighting off emotions is more exhausting than simply accepting them, so it just isn’t worth it.
<h3>4. Give yourself permission to dream big and aim high.</h3>
This means to live for the things you love so you can become who you want to be—not who others expect you to be.

There is nothing wrong with having goals and aspirations that others may consider “lofty.” How will you see your full potential if you don’t aim high?

Giving yourself permission to see what you’re capable of is one of the most rewarding types of self-care.

<hr>

<h4 style="text-align: center;">Giving yourself permission to see what you’re capable of is one of the most rewarding types of self-care.
</h4>

<hr>

<h3>5. Give yourself a permission slip.</h3>
To help reinforce the importance of granting yourself permission, create a physical reminder. Start today by making one on a post-it note. Write, “I give myself permission to: _________________________”

Once that’s done, find a prominent place to stick that post-it—like your bathroom mirror or in your planner.

Giving ourselves permission lets us&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/finding-your-worth-in-a-sea-of-negative-self-beliefs/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">challenge the self-limiting beliefs</a>&nbsp;we all carry and lets us know it’s OK to go for what we know we deserve.
<blockquote>Related:&nbsp;<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/why-we-all-need-and-deserve-our-own-hype-person/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Why We All Need—and Deserve—Our Own Hype Person</a></blockquote>
—<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/author/aisha-beau/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Aisha Beau</a>
This post originally appeared on&nbsp;<a href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Shine</a>, a free app that’s a pep talk in your pocket.
Photo by Quentin Keller on Unsplash

Look inward and give yourself permission to do and feel. Stepping back to assess what you want may be the key to unlock the fulfillment you desire.

Some choices are less about our own aspirations and more so about acceptance from others. The truth is: The only person we need approval from is ourselves. | SUCCESS

Empowering Yourself: Stop Crowdsourcing Decisions

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At the start of each year, we are inundated with emails and Instagram posts demanding to know: What are your <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/got-big-new-years-resolutions-heres-how-to-actually-reach-them/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">goals</a> for the new year? We clamor to figure out how to be our best. The gyms are packed and our bookshelves full as we commit to our goals, repeating in our heads, This year will be different.

But then the months go by. Goals are forgotten, resolutions covered in the dust of day-to-day tasks, and the <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/katherine-mcnamaras-5-simple-tips-to-help-you-be-more-present/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">mundane</a> running-through-life resumes. Your goals are now just a guilty reminder of everything you haven’t made time for. You’re not even sure why you tried. And that’s just it: You don’t know why you set the goal in the first place.

As a leadership coach, I demand that all goals start with “why.” Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you need to read more? Why do you think getting a new job will bring you happiness? Once a client answers my why question, I ask it again. And again. I ask the question somewhere between three to five times (#brokenrecord), until we finally uncover what’s at the core.
<h2>Start With Why</h2>
For my client who wanted to lose weight—let’s call her Michelle—her first why was so that her clothes would look better. OK, fair; who doesn’t want to fit into their old jeans?

On the second why, Michelle said that having clothes that fit would give her more <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-big-lie-killing-your-confidence/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">confidence</a>. I heard something change in her voice—now we were getting warmer.

On the third why, she shared that she had never felt confident with her appearance. As a result, she’s resisted going after her dream of giving a TED Talk. She couldn’t stand the thought of a crowd staring at her body for 18 minutes.

And when I asked Michelle why she wanted to give a TED Talk, she broke into tears, “I want to share my story—my fight with obesity and body image—so that I can help even one young girl not suffer the way I have.” We both sat in silence. Michelle’s goal was about much more than weight loss. We had given voice to the why of Michelle’s goal, and it would never be tossed aside again.

<hr />

<h3 style="text-align: center;">When you surface the meaning behind your goal and give it a voice, a simple goal shifts into a mission.</h3>

<hr />

Not all goals will have tears and a heart-wrenching story, but you’d be surprised at how many are grounded in values and purpose. And when you can surface that meaning and give it a voice, a simple goal shifts into a mission. With your why front and center, it’s almost impossible to turn your back and not go after it.
<h2>Why Why Matters</h2>
In his book, Start With Why, Simon Sinek shares the biology of why why matters. Inside that big brain of ours, we have two levels: the limbic brain and the neocortex. Our limbic brain holds the reigns of all feelings, human behaviors and decision-making. It has no capacity for language; it’s where our “gut decisions” come from. So when you do things that just “feel right,” know that that’s your limbic brain at work. Meanwhile, the neocortex is the responsible side of our brain, from where all of our rational thoughts derive. And while the neocortex can make a great argument, it turns out that the limbic brain is quite powerful, often contradicting and beating out our rational neocortex.

So now think about how this might work with your goals. Your neocortex has all the reasons why you should go to the gym, eat healthier, work harder, but your limbic brain knows what feels good. And getting up early or passing on that glass of wine doesn’t feel quite as delectable.

So, <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/its-time-to-set-new-years-resolutions-thatll-actually-make-you-feel-good/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">your goals have to feel good</a>. And those feel-good goals come from giving voice to your why. When you hit on the values and emotions that drive why you want to achieve a goal, a light goes off in the limbic brain and kicks your body into action.
<h2>How to Set Why Goals:</h2>
<h3>1. Ask why until you hit a value.</h3>
Remember when you used to dig holes in the sand at the beach until you hit water? It’s like that—except “Why?” is the shovel and your value is the water. Keep asking why until you hit the value.

You can do this for yourself, with a friend, or work with a coach. Sometimes “Why?” can feel a little judgey or make you go too deep into your head. If that happens, ask the question a bit differently: What’s important to you about that? What makes you want it?

As you ask the questions, be on the lookout for emotions. As you notice a lump in your throat, or, if you’re doing this with someone else, a pause in your voice, get curious about what’s going on. Our feelings (hi, limbic brain!) tend to lead us to our values, and they’re useful for getting into action and staying engaged.
<h3>2. Create the vision.</h3>
Once you find the value, don’t stop. Explore what it is about that value that is so meaningful. Ask questions like: What would it be like to achieve that goal? What would life be like if you no longer had to second-guess your appearance? What if you were able to help one young woman overcome her body image issues? What would be possible for you?

Make sure you capture an understanding of what accomplishing the goal would feel like. Having a keen sense of awareness of the end-state is one of the most <a href="https://digest.bps.org.uk/2016/09/08/its-possible-to-learn-to-be-more-optimistic/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">motivating factors</a> when going after a goal.

Then capture it: Write it down in your journal, paint it or record yourself talking about it. You’ll come back to this vision when the going gets tough.
<h3>3. Get SMART about it.</h3>
You may have heard of <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/rohn-4-tips-for-setting-powerful-goals/">SMART goals</a>: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound. Once you have your why and your vision, it’s time to employ this method. Let’s see how Michelle used SMART goals:

The goal of “losing weight” is slippery. For some, losing five pounds might be really meaningful; for Michelle, that wouldn’t bring her one step closer to speaking on stage. When I asked her about what specifically she wanted, she didn’t hesitate: “I need to lose 30 pounds and bring my BMI to a 20.” This wasn’t only specific, it was quite measurable: She’d know exactly how she was progressing whenever she wanted.

Michelle’s goal might have seemed a little ambitious, but we made it achievable by creating a workout schedule that ramped up in terms of time and difficulty. We put together a healthy diet that included room for occasional sweets. Michelle knew that she needed to ease into it and leave room and acceptance for missed workouts and cupcakes if she was going to see this through.

To ensure her goal stayed relevant, Michelle posted the TED Talk application on her refrigerator. She wanted her why to be front and center each time she reached for a snack.

Finally, Michelle gave herself eight months to lose the weight; the time-bound nature felt doable (four pounds a month) and inspiring.
<h3>4. Give yourself permission to change course.</h3>
Too often we set goals and then refuse to bend our own rules. Rigid rules may work for some (for most, it results in giving up completely), but they can also lead you down a path that is no longer on purpose with your original why.

As with all things in life, the goal posts may change. Michelle might have originally wanted to lose 30 pounds, but as she shed the pounds, she might have felt great with losing 25 pounds. Should she continue to push forward, or if she felt confident enough to take the stage, could she stop there?

To ensure you’re staying true to your why, plan purposeful check-ins. These can be calendar reminders or a check-in with a coach. Ask questions like:
<ul>
 	<li>Am I still going after the right goal?</li>
 	<li>Do I remain as committed to my stated purpose? Why?</li>
 	<li>What do I need to shift?</li>
</ul>
<h3>5. Celebrate!</h3>
It’s easy to drive past our wins without even looking out the window. But if you’re going to stick to your challenging and meaningful goals, make sure you enjoy the view. As you create your roadmap to achieve your goals, include benchmarks and rewards. They should be activities or gifts to yourself that are motivating and cause you to reflect on what you’re learning and who you’re becoming.

Speaking of celebrations: Last month, Michelle nominated herself to speak at a TED event. She enjoyed a cupcake immediately after hitting submit.
<blockquote>Related: <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/the-secret-to-successfully-planning-long-term-goals/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The Secret to Successfully Planning Long-Term Goals</a></blockquote>
This post originally appeared on <a href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Shine</a>, a free app that’s a pep talk in your pocket.

Photo by Åaker on Unsplash

When you surface the meaning behind your goal and give it a voice, a simple goal shifts into a mission. That’s why the best goals start with “why.”

When you surface the meaning behind your goal and give it a voice, a simple goal shifts into a mission. | SUCCESS

5 Effective Steps for Setting ‘Why’ Goals

5 Effective Steps for Setting ‘Why’ Goals | SUCCESS

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Photo by Anwaar Ali on Unsplash
When the phrase <a href="https://www.robertholden.com/blog/what-is-destination-addiction/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">“destination addiction”</a> recently popped up on my timeline, I was intrigued. The term spoke perfectly to a feeling I’ve always had: That my happiness is somewhere in the future. I’d often think to myself: If I could just hit this milestone or make <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/3-reasons-to-have-an-honest-conversation-about-your-money/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">this amount of money</a> or work out this much—then I’d be happy. And that’s what destination addiction is: the belief that happiness is in the destination or can be found somewhere else rather than in the present.

<hr />

<h3 style="text-align: center;">Destination addiction is used to describe the belief that happiness is in the destination or can be found somewhere else rather than in the present.</h3>

<hr />

In fact, our destination addiction often begins earlier in life than we realize.

“As children, we are conditioned to think about our future,” <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/latoya-gaines-psyd-new-york-ny/442142" target="_blank" rel="noopener">LaToya Gaines, Psy.D.</a>, tells Shine. "How often are we asked, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ or told, ‘Get good grades so you can get into a good college or find a good job’?”

As a result, Gaines says, “our minds begin to shift toward this future orientation in which everything we do is in the service of a ‘future goal.’ Imagine if as children, we were encouraged to just enjoy learning, or we were taught to reflect on what made us happy during the day.”

The thing is, when we place our happiness on factors that are not just outside of us but in the future, it leaves less room for true satisfaction.

A main reason why: Once we reach that destination, we’re too preoccupied looking toward the next one to really appreciate it. It’s an endless cycle of striving for happiness, but never letting yourself attain it.

Sometimes, our destination addiction is simply because we’re going through a tough time in the present—which is completely understandable. <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/boost-your-daily-joy-with-the-dutch-voorpret-mindset/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Anticipation</a>, after all, is a good feeling to harness.

However, “while having hope for a better tomorrow is beneficial to our overall mood, it is equally beneficial to be able to reflect on the positives in the present,” Gaines says.

Being at peace with your life begins with zeroing in on the present and making an effort to be more content with your circumstances.

<hr />

<h3 style="text-align: center;">Being at peace with your life begins with zeroing in on the present and making an effort to be more content with your circumstances.</h3>

<hr />

How exactly can you go about doing this? Well, we’ve developed a super easy exercise that can help:
<h2>Create a ‘Right Here, Right Now’ List</h2>
We call it the “Right Here, Right Now List” and it’s all about developing a habit of showing gratitude for the right here, right now, and acknowledging the present moment. Really living in it.

Instead of constantly waiting for a “better” now, try getting out a piece of paper—or opening the Notes app on your phone—and answering the following prompts to make your own RHRN List:
<ul>
 	<li>The things that are bringing you joy right here and right now:</li>
 	<li>The lessons you’re learning right here and right now:</li>
 	<li>What it is you love about yourself right here and right now:</li>
 	<li>The strides you are making right here and right now to help accomplish your goals:</li>
</ul>
Begin to list out these aspects of your life. For example, “My new hobby of running after work brings me joy, right here and right now.” Or, “The small sacrifices I’m making right here and right now like preparing my lunch each day will help me reach my savings goal.”

This can be a daily, weekly or monthly practice depending on your specific needs and process. Its main purpose is to help you stop and really observe the occurrences in your day-to-day life and their role in your beautiful and unique story. It’s to help you look forward to a big future, but make sure you’re not getting caught up in “destination addiction.”

Sure, your future looks bright—but so can right here, right now.
—<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/author/aisha-beau/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Aisha Beau</a>
This post originally appeared on <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-keep-destination-addiction-from-stealing-your-joy/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Shine</a>, a free app that’s a pep talk in your pocket.

Destination addiction is the belief that happiness is in the destination or can be found somewhere else rather than in the present.

Destination addiction is the belief that happiness is in the destination or can be found somewhere else rather than in the present. | SUCCESS

How to Keep ‘Destination Addiction’ From Stealing Your Joy

How to Keep ‘Destination Addiction’ From Stealing Your Joy | SUCCESS

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We hear a lot about “<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/two-steps-to-help-you-find-your-meaning-and-purpose/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog">life purpose</a>” these days—how we don’t have enough of it and why we need more.

Indeed, having a sense of purpose in life can give us a greater sense of social connection and well-being both at work and at home. But what exactly is purpose? How do we pursue it effectively if we’re not, say, a hero in a Disney movie on an epic quest? And what aspects of our lives can we expect to change when we do?

These important questions are often unanswered, leaving us with little understanding of what, exactly, we can do to cultivate purpose.

So, what are the ways we can seek purpose? Recent <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0193397309001154">research</a> shows that each of us rely on our own purpose-seeking style—or more likely, a combination of styles. Just like we all have a specific style of dancing (or, for some, our own unique way to flail to Justin Bieber’s “Despacito”), we all try to find purpose in our days in individually unique ways, too.

But some purpose-seeking styles are more effective than others. By finding which styles we rely on, we can better understand why we have, or have not, been able to gain a sense of purpose.

Curious to know which purpose-seeking styles you’ve been using? Read on to find out.
<h2>Style #1: Prosocial (aka Kindness) </h2>
Being more prosocial means that you prioritize <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/kindness-isnt-just-fluff-its-an-act-of-self-care/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog">kindness</a>, <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-turn-anger-into-compassion/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog">compassion</a> and generosity. You are good to others and, as a result, feel in greater alignment with your values and ethics.

To be more prosocial, you could get involved with a community service group, help others who are struggling or join a program to clean up the environment.

With the prosocial style, a sense of purpose can develop when you realize that you’re providing something to help the next generation, that you continue to grow and improve as a human being, and that you are living a life of integrity. You find a greater sense of purpose through your positive interactions with others.
<h2>Style #2: Achievement </h2>
When we are successful in the ways that our culture supports, we can feel like leaders, which leads to a greater sense of purpose.

To seek purpose though <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-achieve-more-and-stay-happy/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog">achievement</a>, you could start that side hustle or take on a leadership role at work.

One caution: Although achievement can provide a sense of purpose in the short term, this style doesn’t appear to contribute to long-term improvements in well-being in the same way that the prosocial style does. You might feel amazing when you achieve something great, but those amazing feelings likely won’t last all that long.
<h2>Style #3: Creative </h2>
When we <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/yup-youre-creative-now-own-it-with-these-3-steps/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog">create something</a>, we get the sense that we have generated something for future generations to enjoy.

For example, you could take photographs, join a performance group, write a short story—anything that would live on indefinitely.

The creative style can help us gain greater cultural awareness, perhaps helping us to feel more connected to others who are different than us and giving us a greater sense of well-being.
<h2>Style #4: Expertise (aka Knowledge)</h2>
We can feel great purpose when we excel in our chosen fields and provide insights that didn’t previously exist.

To seek purpose through expertise, you could strive to become an expert in your field, make unique contributions to your industry or try to win a prestigious award for your work.

This style can help us feel like we are knowledgeable leaders, which feels good. But keep in mind that this style is less likely to contribute to our long-term well-being than either the prosocial style or the creative style.
<h3>So, what’s your style?</h3>
While reading about the styles, you probably identified at least one style—or maybe several—that you have used in your life.

Take a moment now to ask yourself these questions about your style:
<ul>
 	<li>Does this approach give you a greater sense of purpose in the short run?</li>
 	<li>How about in the long run?</li>
</ul>
Evidence suggests that any of these purpose styles can temporarily boost your sense of purpose, but the prosocial style has the greatest impact on happiness and well-being in the long run.

If you’re still struggling to find a sense of purpose, try shifting to a more prosocial style or try another style on for size. Soon, you’ll hopefully start having more of those warm, fuzzy feelings that come from a sense of purpose.
—Tchiki Davis

<blockquote>Read next: <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-we-win-when-we-fail-big-on-purpose/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog">How We Win When We Fail Big on Purpose</a></blockquote>
This post originally appeared on <a href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P">Shine</a>, a free daily text to help you thrive.

Struggling to find a sense of purpose? Then it's time to learn your purpose-seeking style.

If your purpose is feeling foggy, then it’s time to learn the ways you can seek it. | SUCCESS

Purpose Feeling Foggy? Then It’s Time to Learn Your ‘Purpose-Seeking Style’

Discover Your Purpose-Seeking Style: Clear the Fog

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Relationships

Relationships Archives

Relationships | SUCCESS | What Achievers Read

This post originally appeared on <a href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Shine</a>, a free daily text to help you thrive.

When we get caught up in our own lives, it’s easy to feel disconnected from the people around us. We can get so busy at work that we don’t make time for our partners at home, or so rushed to put dinner on the table that we don’t even look the grocery store cashier in the eyes. When life gets busy, we’re wired to narrow our focus to just ourselves.

But taking time to connect with others—amidst the busyness—is actually vital to our sense of <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-journal-yourself-happier/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">happiness</a> and meaning.

<h2>The Power of Connection</h2>

Connecting with others is a core basic need for our happiness. As Elizabeth Hopper, Ph.D., <a href="https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_helping_others_help_you_find_meaning_in_life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">explains</a> in Greater Good Magazine, psychologists often separate well-being into two different categories: hedonic well-being and eudaimonic well-being. Hedonic well-being is a sense of happiness, whereas eudaimonic well-being is a sense of meaning and purpose. And research shows that high-quality relationships are key to living a meaningful life.

“Rather than ruminating on what makes our life worthwhile as we work toward burnout, we can find the answer outside ourselves, in human connection,” Hopper writes.

Studies also show that <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-comforting-others-helps-you-tackle-your-own-struggles/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">comforting others</a>—and helping them through their experiences—can help us learn to better navigate our own stressful situations, which can overall improve our own emotional well-being.

&nbsp;

<h3 align="center" style="margin-left: 30pt;">Comforting others can help us learn to better navigate our own stressful situations.</h3>

&nbsp;

Finally, hearing stories from others’ experiences—real or fictional—can also make us more empathetic and challenge the way we look at things. In a study from <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01973533.2013.856791#.VDfiaL7j4lQ" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Basic and Applied Social Psychology</a>, researchers looked at how reading narrative fiction affected a reader’s perceptions of “others” (whether that’s a person of a different religion, race, etc.). The study found that people developed more empathy toward others after reading stories about them, which can lead to even deeper connections.

The benefits of taking time to connect with others are clear, but it’s easier said than done. When you have a <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/make-your-to-do-list-more-fun-with-temptation-bundling/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">to-do list</a> that feels 100 miles long, taking time to talk to a cashier might be the last thing you want to do.

But if you make connection a habit, it can become a part of your daily routine rather than a chore. Here are a few easy ways you can weave more moments of connection into your day-to-day:

<h3>1. Listen to your friend vent.</h3>

Inviting a <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/3-ways-to-break-up-with-a-toxic-friend/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">friend</a> to coffee and letting them talk about themselves will not only score you major brownie points, but it will also give you a chance to learn from their experiences. Sometimes, it’s those closest to us who are dealing with the same things we are, and they can offer a new perspective.

To be a good listener, Mark Goulston, an author and business psychiatrist, explains in the <a href="https://hbr.org/2013/05/how-to-listen-when-someone-is" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Harvard Business Review</a> that you should ask specific questions to help direct your friend’s emotions. Try asking questions like, “What are you most angry/frustrated/etc. about?” “Don’t take issue with them or get into a debate,” Goulston explains. “Just know that they really need to get this off their chest—and if you listen without interrupting them, while also inviting them to say even more, they will.”

<h3>2. Talk to someone new.</h3>

While bugging that person with their eyes closed and headphones in on the subway might not be the best idea, you never know what you might learn from chatting with the person sitting next to you on an airplane or bus stop bench.

A recent <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25019381" target="_blank" rel="noopener">study</a> showed that participants who were told to talk to strangers on the bus or train had a more positive experience than those who didn’t. “Human beings are social animals,” the study’s abstract reminds us.

Challenge yourself to strike up a conversation with one new person each week—and see what happens.

<h3>3. Read fiction and watch movies.</h3>

Who knew that cozying up with a blanket and spending the evening with a book or blockbuster could be good for your health? Movies and fiction are great places to find stories that we can relate to.

Better yet, pick up a book that features a main character that is different from you. That way, you can broaden your understanding of someone you might never come into daily contact with otherwise.

<h3>4. Listen to podcasts.</h3>

Just like reading fiction and watching movies, listening to podcasts gives us insight into others’ experiences. Podcasts also feature nonfiction stories and are great for listening to on the go.

A couple of my favorite storytelling podcasts are <a href="https://www.thisamericanlife.org/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">This American Life</a>, <a href="https://themoth.org/podcast" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Moth</a> and <a href="https://www.storycentral.org/strangers/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Strangers</a> (a podcast literally based on the idea of connecting to a stranger’s story!).

From listening to a new podcast to striking up a convo with your barista to calling a friend on your walk home, there are lots of ways to bring new perspectives and connection into your daily life. Find whatever form of connection feels comfortable—and doable—for you, and start soaking in other stories. When you start listening to others with an open mind, you’ll be surprised how much you can learn about yourself.

Related: <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-comforting-others-helps-you-tackle-your-own-struggles/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How Comforting Others Helps You Tackle Your Own Struggles</a>

—<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/author/anna-meyer/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Anna Meyer</a>

4 ways to bring new perspectives and connection into your daily life

4 ways to bring new perspectives and connection into your daily life | SUCCESS

How to Find Yourself by Connecting With Others

How to Find Yourself by Connecting With Others | SUCCESS

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This post originally appeared on <a href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Shine</a>, a free daily text to help you thrive.

As someone who loves to <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/your-next-great-trip-is-a-microadventure/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">travel</a>, I have a pretty intense bucket list of places I want to go, sights I want to see and events I want to attend. Right now, I have about 10 different countries I want to visit, and I need to squeeze in a drawing class to better hone my artistic skills, too. I also want to challenge myself at work by pitching and writing for different publications, and there’s a handful of musicians I want to see perform live at least once in my lifetime. Oh, and did I mention that I someday want to try reading my poetry at an open mic night?

While my bucket list inspires me to take initiative, it can also make me feel, well, overwhelmed. Like a shame-y reminder of all the things I haven’t done. It can feel like I have so much left to accomplish—and that any moment I’m not doing something on the list isn’t a <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/why-we-cant-wait-around-for-that-big-happy-moment/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">moment</a> well spent.

&nbsp;

<h3 align="center" style="margin-left: 30pt;">While my bucket list inspires me to take initiative, it can also make me feel overwhelmed.</h3>

&nbsp;

Thankfully, in the midst of a recent wave of bucket-list anxiety, I learned about something called a reverse bucket list. It’s a mindfulness exercise that has been making the rounds on <a href="https://www.bohoberry.com/reverse-bucket-list/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">blogs</a> lately.

The reverse bucket list is pretty straightforward: Rather than writing down all of the things you hope to one day achieve, you instead write down a list of all the things you’ve already accomplished, things that make you feel proud. It’s the exact opposite of a regular bucket list—and it’s an encouraging exercise.

<h2>The Benefits of Hitting Reverse</h2>

Researchers haven’t specifically looked into the benefits of a reverse bucket list, but the exercise taps into a couple well-studied topics, including gratitude.

<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/5-easy-ways-to-make-gratitude-a-habit-you-ll-love-to-practice-forever/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Gratitude</a> is typically thought of as appreciating all that you have in a given moment, but it can also include appreciating all you have done and the experiences you’ve had in the past.

A 2015 study published in <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17439760.2014.927909" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Journal of Positive Psychology</a> looked into how “grateful recounting” enhances a person’s overall well-being. The study showed that participants who recalled three good things from the past 48 hours—and briefly wrote about them—every day for a week had an easier time accessing positive <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/5-ways-to-keep-happy-memories-from-fading-fast/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">memories</a>. And by routinely recalling positive experiences, it sparked an increase in their subjective well-being.

Think of a reverse bucket list as an exercise in grateful recounting: You’re basking in the pride of your experiences and accomplishments, and you’re taking time to get thankful for them.

Reverse bucket lists also tap into the power of nostalgia. Research shows that revisiting positive or meaningful experiences from the past—like that music festival you went to—can help counteract loneliness, boredom and anxiety, as well as make people “more generous to strangers and more tolerant of outsiders,” according to <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/09/science/what-is-nostalgia-good-for-quite-a-bit-research-shows.html?pagewanted=all" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The New York Times</a>. Creating a reverse bucket list is like creating a nostalgia playlist—it’s a collection of your greatest hits and memories.

&nbsp;

<h3 align="center" style="margin-left: 30pt;">Creating a reverse bucket list is like creating a nostalgia playlist—it’s a collection of your greatest hits and memories.</h3>

&nbsp;

Finally, creating a reverse bucket list can give us a sense of progress. Traditional bucket lists can often feel like a daily <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/make-your-to-do-list-more-fun-with-temptation-bundling/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=BroadcastMain" target="_blank" rel="noopener">to-do list</a>—overwhelming and impossible. But taking stock of what you have accomplished can create a feeling of progress, which can boost self-esteem and motivation.

It’s why productivity enthusiasts <a href="https://www.mequilibrium.com/content-hub/why-you-need-a-to-done-list/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">praise “done” lists</a>—when we see that we’ve made progress, it’s more encouraging than feeling like we’re behind. And we can gain a major sense of fulfillment.

<h2>How to Create Your Own Reverse Bucket List</h2>

So, how do you <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-to-create-your-own-opportunity/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">create</a> a reverse bucket list? It’s simple: Write down accomplishments from your past that you feel proud of. Boom—you’ve made a reverse bucket list.

There’s no official amount of examples you need, since this list is really your own to make use of. Some bloggers jotted down 50 or more accomplishments, but you can always write down 10 to 15 of your strongest memories if you don’t have time to write more.

If it’s hard to come up with examples, try looking through your social media for reminders of rewarding things you’ve done. If you did something that made you proud, you might have posted about it on Facebook or Instagram. A quick scroll through your timeline might remind you of teaching your niece to ride a bike or getting that big promotion at work.

You can also refer to your real-life social network and ask a close friend or family member to help you remember your proudest moments. Perhaps you’re too humble to remember scoring the winning goal at your rec soccer game last year, but your friend who was on the sidelines that day can help bring up the good memory.

&nbsp;

<h3 align="center" style="margin-left: 30pt;">Meaningful moments come in all sizes.</h3>

&nbsp;

If you still feel like you can't find accomplishments for your list, try thinking smaller. Sure, big milestones are great additions to a reverse bucket list, but meaningful moments come in all sizes. Spending the holidays with your family, making a new friend as an adult (a goal that sometimes feels truly impossible)—that’s definitely reverse bucket list material.

When I created my reverse bucket list, I tried to alternate between big and small accomplishments. That way, I didn’t underestimate how the smaller things are just as important as the more significant.

Here are the first 10 items from my reverse bucket list:

<ul>
	<li>I’ve had my work printed in a national magazine.</li>
	<li>I’ve allowed myself to dance and have fun at Zumba classes even though I’m not a great dancer.</li>
	<li>I’ve climbed the Thórsmörk mountain range in Iceland.</li>
	<li>I disciplined my spending habits and saved up for tattoos I want.</li>
	<li>I’ve scored a spot on both the dean’s and honor’s lists while studying at my university.</li>
	<li>I taught myself how to cut my own hair to save money between haircuts.</li>
	<li>I’ve traveled to foreign countries on my own.</li>
	<li>I was the featured guest on a podcast when I was 19 years old.</li>
	<li>I’ve performed on stage at the Orpheum Theater in Minneapolis—twice!</li>
	<li>10. I’ve had the strength to walk away from a couple of toxic relationships in my life.</li>
</ul>

After you’ve created your list, try placing it right next to your traditional bucket list or keep it as a note on your phone. It might feel like a “brag list”—and a bit uncomfortable to write at first—but know it’s OK to take pride in your accomplishments. This list is by you, for you, and to benefit you.

When I created my own reverse bucket list, I found it counteracted my bucket list shame. Instead of getting anxious about all the things I still have to do, I could look back with satisfaction and pride.

Just as bucket lists can inspire us for the future, reverse bucket lists can make us grateful for the now—for all we’ve experienced and all we’ve done. Create your own list, and see if it can make today feel a bit more meaningful.

Related: <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/why-we-always-end-up-overwhelmed-by-our-to-do-lists/?utm_source=Shine&amp;utm_medium=Blog" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Why We Always End Up Overwhelmed By Our To-Do Lists</a>

—<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/author/anna-meyer/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Anna Meyer</a>

Just as bucket lists can inspire us for the future, reverse bucket lists can make us grateful for the&nbsp;now.

Just as bucket lists can inspire us for the future, reverse bucket lists can make us grateful for the&nbsp;now. | SUCCESS

Want to Feel More Fulfilled? Try Writing a ‘Reverse Bucket List’

Want to Feel More Fulfilled? Try Writing a ‘Reverse Bucket List’ | SUCCESS

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This post originally appeared on <a href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Shine</a>, a free daily text to help you thrive.

You have three outstanding assignments sitting on your desk; your phone is lighting up with texts from your roommate reminding you of that party you don’t want to attend; and then your boss swings by to ask if you can stay late to help out on seven <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/7-ways-to-achieve-more-while-working-less/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">other tasks that need finishing</a>.

Before you can stop yourself, “Uh, sure! I mean, of course,” tumbles out of your mouth. You know full well that you’re unable to handle another thing, but there’s just something about saying no that’s almost impossible to do.
<h2>Have ‘No’ Fear?</h2>
If the above situation sounds familiar, it’s not surprising—many of us are afraid to say no. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201601/why-is-it-hard-say-no-and-how-can-you-get-better-it" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Psychology Today</a> offers two main reasons why: We fear conflict and we don’t like to disappoint others. Because of this, we often say yes even if taking on something else isn’t in our best interest. We want to make others feel better—but we sacrifice <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/why-self-confidence-is-key-to-my-self-care/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">our own feelings</a> and time in return.

For many, saying no can feel... harsh. But learning to turn down a request is a crucial skill to master. It’s important to create boundaries out of respect for yourself, your time and your energy—we truly can’t do it all.

So how do we get better at saying no? The answer involves swapping that word for something else entirely. Let us introduce you to your new magic words: “I don’t.”
<h2>The Power of ‘I Don’t’</h2>
When we’re skittish around the word no, we often try to decline requests with an “I can’t”—but “I don’t” is actually the best phrase to use. The reason is this: “I can’t” implies that you want to do something but an external factor is stopping you from doing it. It suggests you could do that task—and it leaves room for people to push back. For example, saying, “I can’t go to the party tonight” leaves lots of room for someone to respond with a “Why not?”

“I don’t,” on the other hand, reclaims your authority over your actions. When you say that you don’t do something, it’s an ironclad refusal—you as a human don’t do what’s being asked of you, and you don’t do it for your own sake. “I don’t go to parties on weeknights” is much more impactful than “I can’t go tonight.” The phrase turns a rejection into an affirmation of how you live your life, making it powerful and something you own.

Another example: If you have a co-worker asking you to step in on the office party planning committee, but you already have the responsibility of organizing the company’s retreat plus 10 outstanding work assignments, you can reply with a simple, “Although I wish I could help further, I don’t take on other projects when I’m behind on my existing assignments.” That statement is a lot harder to argue with than “I can’t do that right now,” and it’s more thoughtful than a plain no.
<h2>How to Use ‘I Don’t’ to Motivate Yourself</h2>
“I don’t” is also a powerful tool you can use <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/32-inspiring-quotes-that-will-motivate-you-and-get-you-through-the-week/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">when working toward your goals</a>. If you incorporate it into your self-talk, it can increase your willpower.

When researchers at <a href="https://www.bauer.uh.edu/vpatrick/docs/DontversusCant.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Boston College and the University of Houston</a> conducted a small study looking into the use of “I don’t” and “I can’t,” they found that participants who said “I don’t skip exercise” rather than “I can’t skip exercise” ended up working out more often than the “I can’t” group. “Using the word ‘don’t’ serves as a self-affirmation of one’s personal willpower and control... leading to a favorable influence on feelings of empowerment, as well as on actual behavior,” the researchers wrote.
<h2>Take Control of ‘No’</h2>
Bottom line: “I don’t” puts the ball back in your court. It gives you authority over your no and leads to a powerful but respectful decline—or, an empowering motivational phrase.

It’s a lesson in framing, and it’s an easy way to turn dreaded no’s into something empowering. Give it a try next time you need to say no but feel yourself about to say yes.
Related: <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/how-i-learned-not-to-pour-from-an-empty-cup/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How I Learned Not to Pour From an Empty Cup</a>
—<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/author/anna-meyer/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Anna Meyer</a>

When we’re skittish around the word no, we often try to decline requests with an ‘I can’t’—but ‘I don’t’ is actually the best phrase to use.

When we’re skittish around the word no, we often try to decline requests with an ‘I can’t’—but ‘I don’t’ is actually the best phrase to use. | SUCCESS

There’s a Better Way to Say ‘No’ to People

There’s a Better Way to Say ‘No’ to People | SUCCESS

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young woman feeling impostor syndrome and working to overcome it

Impostor syndrome and I go way back. A few years ago, when I received a job offer to become the marketing director for an education company, I thought they had confused me with someone else. I had applied and interviewed, but did they really believe I was qualified?



Sure, I had done marketing before. I had an MBA. I’d managed people. But I wasn’t ready for this, I thought. There had to be a mix-up.



When I realized there was no mistake—they wanted to hire me—my emotions turned from confusion to terror. I took the job, but I was worried it was only a matter of time until they figured out that I had no business being in this role.



That didn’t happen. After the first quarter, I was shocked when the CEO attributed the sales growth to my work. Naturally I thanked her but said I couldn’t take credit. The sales team had been working tirelessly, and I was just getting my feet wet.



But it wasn’t beginner’s luck. I excelled in that role for more than five years before leaving to become a leadership and career coach.



Today, when I reflect on my feelings going into that job, I can see what was happening: I was qualified for the position, and while luck might have played a role, so did hard work and experience. My thought pattern going into the role belonged to the impostor.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-what-is-impostor-syndrome">What is impostor syndrome?</h2>



The impostor is that ugly, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/changing-the-narrative-how-to-silence-your-inner-critic-in-the-new-year/">nasty voice in our heads</a> that holds us back in our personal and professional spheres. It says things like:



<ul class="wp-block-list">
<li>“Why would they hire you?”</li>



<li>“You don’t have the experience.”</li>



<li>“You’ve just gotten lucky.”</li>
</ul>



Sound familiar?



The impostor phenomenon first came to light in the 1970s when psychologists Pauline Clance, Ph.D., and Suzanne Imes, Ph.D., coined it as a feeling of “phoniness in people who believe they are not intelligent, capable or creative despite evidence of high achievement.” <a href="https://mpowir.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/Download-IP-in-High-Achieving-Women.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Clance and Imes studied</a> more than 150 highly successful women and found that, despite their impressive experience and accolades, many lived in fear of being discovered as an impostor. According to their 1978 paper, one woman, “the chairperson of her department, said, ‘Obviously I'm in this position because my abilities have been overestimated.’”



While the original research focused on impostor syndrome as a women’s issue, <a href="https://paulineroseclance.com/pdf/-Langford.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">a 1993 research review</a> co-authored by Clance determined that the phenomenon was not unique to women. In my own experience as a leadership and career coach, I’ve seen it can actually be more problematic for men. As Amy Cuddy wrote in <a href="https://amzn.to/44uyLTk" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Presence</a>, “Men who deviate from the strong-assertive stereotype—in other words, men who are able to express self-doubt—risk experiencing what psychologists call ‘stereotype backlash’: punishment, which often takes the form of harassment or even ostracism, for failing to conform to societal expectations…. Although men experience impostorism to the same extent women do, they may be even more burdened by it because they can't admit it. They carry it around quietly, secretly, painfully.”



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-the-effects-of-impostor-syndrome">The effects of impostor syndrome</h2>



Regardless of gender, impostor syndrome may have negative effects on your performance and mental well-being. Symptoms include fear of being realized as an impostor, guilt, overwork and self-sabotage. It causes you to downplay and harshly judge your performance and not take credit for your accomplishments, chalking them up to luck rather than skill.&nbsp;



Before I became a coach, I once managed a young woman who suffered from a debilitating case of impostor syndrome. She was creative and brilliant, but she couldn’t see it. She would say things like, “Well, it was just an idea, probably stupid, we don’t have to do it.” When I gave credit to her ideas and said that I’d like to hear more, she doubted my praise and thought I was just being nice. Over time, I too began believing her impostor, doubting her abilities. Her insecurities and failure to act rendered her incapable of performing to her potential.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-how-to-overcome-impostor-syndrome">How to overcome impostor syndrome</h2>



The good news: There are strategies <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/imposter-syndrome-cost-me-thousands-of-dollars-heres-how-i-learned-to-fight-back/">to combat the pesky impostor</a>. There’s lots of science behind impostor syndrome and its effects, but my guess is that you’d rather take a look at some practical solutions.



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-1-get-to-know-your-impostor-and-take-back-control">1. Get to know your impostor and take back control.</h3>



Remember the old saying, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”? The truth is, you may never fully get rid of the impostor. So why not embrace it?



Start by recognizing your impostor, getting to know its voice and even giving it a name. I call mine Ursula, after the sea witch in The Little Mermaid, who stole Ariel’s voice and sabotaged her at every turn with an untrue narrative. The better you know your impostor, the more you can communicate and operate around it. Think of it as a game of whack-a-mole: The more you know when and how those moles pop up, the more you can knock them back. Decide how you want to play with your impostor and set the rules.



It took some coaching, but I now lean in to my impostor syndrome. I know that not trying or taking risks will lead to stagnation, and I won’t stand for that. I invite Ursula to try to get between me and my next big thing. When she takes me up on the invitation, I thank her for her concern and leap in anyways, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-life-changing-power-of-trusting-yourself/">trusting my own abilities</a>.



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-2-find-comfort-in-others">2. Find comfort in others.</h3>



Know that you’re not alone. Sheryl Sandberg, Katty Kay and Maya Angelou have all admitted to experiencing impostor syndrome. In <a href="https://www.nerdwallet.com/uk/business/imposter-syndrome/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">a 2022 NerdWallet survey</a> of “business owners and decision-makers in the UK,” 78% of participants reported experiencing impostor syndrome, 47% of whom were currently experiencing its effects. Additionally, 52% of participants reported that it was impacting their ability to lead. And according to <a href="https://womensleadership.kpmg.us/content/dam/womensleadership/pdf/2020/2020wlsstudy.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">a 2020 report by KPMG</a>, “as much as 75% of female executives report having personally experienced impostor syndrome at certain points in their career.”



And it’s not just business executives and celebrities. Try talking to your friends and colleagues. You may find out that they’re facing similar struggles, and it may bring you comfort to know you’re not alone.



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-3-use-the-facts-to-prove-your-impostor-syndrome-wrong">3. Use the facts to prove your impostor syndrome wrong.</h3>



The impostor hates your accomplishments, so one of the best ways to put it in its place is to bring the facts of your success to light.



Try creating a humblebrag file. List the challenges that you’ve faced in the last five years. For each, write down how you overcame it and what you learned. Include results and accomplishments. For each brag, note the skills, capabilities and qualities that contributed to your success. (Bonus tip: This will come in handy the next time you’re updating your résumé!)



Capturing these wins may reveal the flaws in your thinking, helping you uncover contributions that you might have otherwise dismissed or attributed to others. Your humblebrag file is a living document that you can update and come back to whenever your impostor comes to visit and you need a hit of confidence to put it in its place. The facts of your greatness are undeniable, even by the most serious of impostors.



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-4-let-go-of-perfect-and-just-do-it">4. Let go of perfect and just do it.</h3>



Action is the best antidote to your impostor. Putting action ahead of thinking can change ingrained thought patterns and behaviors. When we take action against our impostor syndrome, we can overcome our self-perpetuated boundaries.



To take action, you’ll have to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-manage-perfectionism/">let go of perfection</a>. The challenges you face won’t always be easy, and you will stumble. Know that mistakes don’t make you less capable; they mean that you’re a human taking risks, not an impostor. Failure is not only OK, it may be a necessary element of success.



In some cases—like mine—you might need to work with a professional to overcome your impostor. A coach or therapist can help you work with your impostor and focus on where you shine.



Although impostor syndrome can be debilitating, you can overcome it. By learning to let go of perfection, internalizing accomplishments and adopting a “just do it” attitude, you will cultivate more useful patterns of thinking and put that impostor in its place.



This post originally appeared on Shine. Lisa Rogoff is a former writer at Shine. This article was updated August 2023. Photo by Mix and Match Studio/Shutterstock

If you're feeling impostor syndrome—like you don't deserve what you have—you're not alone. Follow these practical strategies to overcome it.

If you're feeling impostor syndrome—like you don't deserve what you have—you're not alone. Follow these practical strategies to overcome it. | SUCCESS

4 Ways to Overcome Impostor Syndrome

What is Impostor Syndrome and How to Overcome It | SUCCESS

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This post originally appeared on <a href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P" target="_blank">Shine</a>, a free daily text to help you thrive.

There’s this really amazing skill in life called maximizing your strengths and playing to them whenever possible. Not only does it put you in a position to be more successful, but it also it keeps you feeling energized when you’re working within your talents.

From work to interpersonal relationships to creative hobbies, playing to your strengths is a great tactic for success.

On the flip side, however, dismissing your weaknesses can hold you back.

Related: <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/stuck-in-negative-thinking-heres-what-to-do/" target="_blank">Stuck in Negative Thinking? Here’s What to Do</a>

How many times have you ever muttered the words, “I’m just not good at that”? Whether it was spreadsheets, entrepreneurship, painting, surfing or public speaking, assuming that you’re not good at something, and therefore staying away from it, is a recipe for dissatisfaction.

According to renowned Stanford psychology professor <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve?language=en" target="_blank">Caroline Dweck</a>, the most successful people in life believe that everything develops and grows. They have a <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/3-ways-to-take-back-your-confidence/">growth mindset</a>, which is shown to correlate directly to confidence as challenges are met with optimism in order to improve.

Believing that your talents, skills and competencies are static is a huge lie you’re telling yourself.

<blockquote>
<h4 style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><a href="https://pubx.co/2cCg7P" target="_blank">Sign up</a> for more advice to help you improve your confidence.</h4>
</blockquote>

You simply need to rewire your brain to believe that you can absolutely get better at whatever you put your mind and energy toward. Getting into action on new skills helps build self-efficacy and creates new opportunities for you across the board.

To harness a growth mindset and improve your confidence, start here.

<h2>1. Identify where you feel your skills are innate or predetermined.</h2>

Where are you staying on the sidelines of your life? What things do you feel drawn toward but have convinced yourself that you’re just not good at?

Identifying these competencies is the first step in creating an action plan to improve them. Try listing out all of the things you’ve ever assumed you’re not good at. Circle the one or two you wish you were better at, and voila, you have a skill worth putting your energy toward.

<h2>2. Measure effort and improvement.</h2>

No one wakes up as the best gymnast in the world. Nor do they become an amazing public speaker just by breathing. Anyone who is great at something has dedicated time and energy toward it.

Everything about you can and will get better with effort. If you track and measure where you started and how you progress, you’ll be fueled with more encouragement to keep going.

<h2>3. Know it’s always a stretch and act anyway.</h2>

Anyone who does something they don’t feel strong at feels the discomfort of a stretch. The greats? They do it anyway. They level up. They feel the stretch and keep going for it.

Having a growth mindset keeps you moving toward that stretch instead of away from it. Stretching is key to knowing that eventually you’ll be able to reach the new level you so desire.

Remember these four tips whenever you find yourself “convinced” that you’re bad at something. Harnessing a growth mindset will remind you that you’re not bad, you’re just inexperienced and being hard on yourself.

If there’s something you really want to experience, master or create, don’t let a few shoddy attempts discourage you. You’re not static. You’re not stagnant. You’re not still. You’re not bad at it. You’re just not far enough in to level up. Fiercely believe that you can, and you will.

Related: <a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/3-ways-to-take-back-your-confidence/" target="_blank">3 Ways to Take Back Your Confidence</a>

—<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/author/maxie-mccoy/" target="_blank">Maxie McCoy</a>

You’re not static. You’re not stagnant. You’re not still.

You’re not static. You’re not stagnant. You’re not still. | SUCCESS

The Big Lie Killing Your Confidence

The Big Lie Killing Your Confidence | SUCCESS

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