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<p>Uncertainty. The mere word can trigger anxiety in even the most confident among us. Yet, as the ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus believed, the only constant in life is change. Despite having 2,500 years to adapt to this fundamental truth, many of us still struggle with the unpredictable nature of existence and being able to embrace uncertainty.</p>



<p>Our <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/letting-go-of-control-how-to-overcome-ego-uncertainty-and-black-and-white-thinking-with-cy-wakeman/">relationship with uncertainty</a> is complex. Our <a href="https://www.cfcliving.com/brain-threat-detector/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">primitive brains are wired to keep us safe</a> and may view change as a potential threat. Anything unknown, from restructuring at work to a significant shift in personal relationships, can trigger our internal alarm systems. Yet paradoxically, our survival as a species has often depended on adaptation and embracing change and uncertainty—the classic “adapt or die” scenario.</p>



<p>This tension between security and growth defines our experience with uncertainty. While some people naturally lean toward caution, developing the ability to navigate ambiguity has become increasingly crucial in our rapidly changing world. Those who <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/finding-courage-amid-uncertainty/">find the courage</a> to embrace uncertainty often find themselves at the <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/uncertainty-a-key-to-success/">forefront of innovation and personal development</a>. It can impact all areas of our lives. Join us as we dive into more details on why leaning into uncertainty matters and how to get started.&nbsp;</p>







<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-why-embracing-uncertainty-is-important">Why Embracing Uncertainty Is Important</h2>



<p>Uncertainty is woven into the fabric of human experience. From career transitions to health challenges, relationship dynamics to global events, unpredictability touches every aspect of our lives. Rather than viewing this as a burden, recognizing uncertainty as a catalyst for growth can transform how we approach life's inevitable changes.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-the-hidden-benefits-of-uncertainty">The Hidden Benefits of Uncertainty</h3>



<p>When we learn to embrace rather than resist uncertainty, several powerful benefits emerge:</p>



<p><strong>Enhanced resilience:</strong> Each uncertain situation we navigate successfully builds our psychological muscle for future challenges. Research shows that past adversity, which can include uncertainty, can build resilience and help you overcome challenges in the future.</p>



<p><strong>Accelerated personal growth:</strong> Anxiety and uncertainty can keep us in our comfort zones. But it's embracing the unknown that pushes us to develop new skills, perspectives and approaches. As <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/68.John_C_Maxwell" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">leadership expert John C. Maxwell</a> observes, “Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.”</p>



<p><strong>Reduced anxiety:</strong> Counterintuitively, accepting and living with uncertainty rather than fighting it often leads to decreased anxiety. The energy previously spent trying to control the uncontrollable becomes available for productive action and creative thinking.</p>



<p><strong>Increased adaptability:</strong> In today's rapidly evolving workplace and society, adaptability can be a valuable skill. When we become more <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-opportunity-of-uncertainty-4-ways-to-thrive-amid-inevitable-change-with-susannah-furr/">comfortable with uncertainty</a>, we can develop this aptitude.&nbsp;</p>



<p><strong>Enhanced problem-solving:</strong> Uncertainty can be a catalyst for creative thinking and learning. When conventional approaches fail, those comfortable with ambiguity may excel at finding novel solutions and opportunities.</p>



<p><strong>Greater innovation:</strong> Many of <a href="https://www.discovermagazine.com/the-sciences/scientific-discoveries-that-changed-the-world" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">history's greatest breakthroughs</a>—from scientific discoveries to artistic masterpieces—emerged out of uncertainty. Those willing to venture into uncharted territory often adapted and innovated.&nbsp;</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-practical-strategies-for-dealing-with-uncertainty">Practical Strategies for Dealing With Uncertainty</h2>



<p>Just knowing that leaning into uncertainty is valuable doesn't necessarily make it any easier. Head knowledge isn't enough—we need tools to deal with the stomach-churning feeling we get when life goes off script.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-focus-on-what-you-can-control">Focus on What You Can Control</h3>



<p>When facing uncertainty, our minds may spiral into worst-case scenarios and ruminate on factors beyond our influence. This response could intensify anxiety without producing useful outcomes. Instead, there are some simple action steps you can take. For example:&nbsp;</p>



<h4 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-action-steps">Action steps:</h4>



<ul class="wp-block-list">
<li>Create a two-column list: “In my control” and “out of my control.”</li>



<li>Direct your energy exclusively toward items in the first column.</li>



<li>Develop specific action plans for areas where you have agency.</li>



<li>Practice mentally releasing concerns from the “out of my control” list.</li>
</ul>



<p>The concept of focusing on what you can control is something <a href="https://www.tonyrobbins.com/how-to-focus/how-to-control-your-mind" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">leadership experts</a> often advise.&nbsp;</p>



<h4 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-shift-your-mindset-toward-growth">Shift Your Mindset Toward Growth</h4>



<p>How we frame uncertainty dramatically affects our experience of it. Those who view uncertainty as threatening might experience more stress than those who see it as an opportunity for learning. However, it is possible to move toward a <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/what-is-a-growth-mindset/">growth mindset</a>.&nbsp;</p>



<p>When you notice that you're using catastrophic language about uncertainty, <a href="https://www.brownhealth.org/be-well/power-positive-reframing-negative-outlook" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">practice reframing statements</a>. For example, shift from “This is terrible” to “This is challenging but potentially valuable.” Consider asking yourself: “What might I learn from this situation?”</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-try-new-experiences-in-low-risk-contexts">Try New Experiences in Low-Risk Contexts</h3>



<p>Another way to embrace uncertainty is by building your comfort level with risk-taking gradually. Small steps in risk-taking can help you gain the ability to face bigger challenges.</p>



<p>Try some simple ways to mix up your routine. For example, try: taking a different route home, eating a new dish at a restaurant, visiting an exhibit outside your usual taste, booking a trip somewhere slightly intimidating or learning something that might be challenging at first. </p>



<p>These little experiments can help to teach your nervous system that “different” doesn't equal “dangerous,” without the high-stakes pressure of major life changes.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-build-a-supportive-community">Build a Supportive Community</h3>



<p>Managing uncertainty in isolation could magnify the challenges. Connecting with others facing similar uncertainties can help to provide practical and emotional resources.</p>



<p>Join communities related to your current uncertainty (such as career transitions, health challenges, etc.). Schedule regular check-ins with trusted friends. Consider formal support groups or professional guidance. Share your experiences and listen to others' strategies.</p>



<p>Uncertainty that is <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/social-support-for-psychological-health-4119970" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">shared amongst the community</a> makes those anxiety-riddled moments easier to handle.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-practice-mindfulness-and-present-moment-awareness">Practice Mindfulness and Present-Moment Awareness</h3>



<p>Uncertainty anxiety typically focuses on future scenarios that haven't happened yet. Mindfulness practices anchor attention in the present, where we have more agency and stability.</p>



<p>Dedicate five to 10 minutes daily to meditation or breath awareness. Practice noticing when thoughts drift to future uncertainties. Then, use physical senses to ground yourself in the present moment. Create simple rituals that mark transitions between activities.</p>



<p>Research consistently shows that <a href="https://www.ucdavis.edu/news/mindfulness-meditation-associated-lower-stress-hormone" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">mindfulness practices reduce stress hormones</a> and increase increase brain activity that leads to resilience and emotional regulation.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-accept-that-perfect-prediction-is-impossible">Accept That Perfect Prediction Is Impossible</h3>



<p>Many uncertainty struggles stem from the unrealistic expectation that we should be able to predict outcomes perfectly. Accepting the fundamental unpredictability of life liberates energy previously spent on impossible forecasting.</p>



<p>Notice when you're demanding certainty in inherently uncertain situations. Practice saying “I don't know yet, and that's OK.” Identify <a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2011/05/19/14-spectacularly-wrong-predictions.html" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">historical examples of experts</a> making dramatically incorrect predictions. It can also help to focus on preparing for multiple scenarios rather than predicting a single outcome.</p>



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-cultivate-curiosity-nbsp">Cultivate Curiosity&nbsp;</h3>



<p>When uncertainty triggers anxiety, our instinct is often to assert control. Replacing this with genuine curiosity creates psychological space and new possibilities.</p>



<p>Ask open-ended questions about uncertain situations. Approach challenges with “I wonder…” statements. Notice when control behaviors emerge and consciously pivot to curiosity. You might also keep a journal of insights gained through uncertainty.</p>



<p>This shift from control to curiosity <a href="https://bigthink.com/smart-skills/how-curiosity-rewires-your-brain-for-change/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">activates different parts of the brain</a>, reducing stress responses and enhancing creative problem-solving abilities.</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-start-embracing-change-and-uncertainty-to-find-success">Start Embracing Change and Uncertainty to Find Success</h2>



<p>Most of us would like a map for life, but life throws curveballs anyway. Rather than fighting the waves of change until we're exhausted, we could learn to surf them and how to deal with uncertainty. It’s not easy, but the benefits can be tremendous.&nbsp;</p>



<p>Try the tips and tools above that make sense to you. Your brain might fight you. It's designed to keep you safe, not comfortable with question marks. Yet, if you ask people who have gone through major upheaval, they may tell you that the unknown became their best teacher.</p>



<p>Look around at the people achieving success. Remember that they're not necessarily geniuses; maybe they just didn't fall apart when their plans did. They pivoted. They spotted chances where others saw disasters.</p>



<p>The next time you’re uncertain, consider how to embrace uncertainty in life. After all, the greatest joys in life might be on the other side of fear.</p>



<p class="has-small-font-size"><em><strong>Photo by JLco Julia Amaral/Shutterstock.</strong></em></p>

Learn how to embrace uncertainty and turn life’s unpredictable moments into opportunities for growth. Find practical tips to get started.

How to Embrace Uncertainty and Thrive When Life Gets Unpredictable

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Embrace Uncertainty & Turn Challenges Into Opportunities

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Patty Onderko

Owen Suskind, whose love of Disney led to connecting with his family

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<p>During the Night of Too Many Stars autism fundraiser in March 2015, 24-year-old Owen Suskind dressed in gray slacks and a V-neck sweater hurried onstage, clearly excited to meet his idol—and not at all self-conscious about it.</p>



<p>Unlike the celebrities making their way to the microphone for the benefit, Owen <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjrIeFa4-ts" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">did not play it cool</a>. “Hello, Gilbert!” he said, laughing in disbelief as he shook hands with comedian Gilbert Gottfried, who voiced one of Owen’s favorite characters from the animated Disney movie <em>Aladdin</em>. Owen had seen the movie probably 100-plus times since age 3.</p>



<p>Under dozens of lights and cameras, Owen grinned broadly. As Gottfried launched into character as Iago, the evil parrot sidekick to Aladdin’s nemesis Jafar, Owen shook his head incredulously and palmed his forehead in a classic can’t-believe-my-luck gesture before composing himself in preparation for his line. “Patience, Iago, patience,” he intoned perfectly as Jafar. When Gottfried forgot his lines, Owen took over as both characters, and the crowd launched into applause.</p>



<p>Owen’s father, Ron Suskind, was watching from the wings of the theater. More than 21 years earlier, when his precocious toddler suddenly changed, he could not have dared to imagine a moment like this. While an early home video shows Owen standing in his crib and asking his mom to play music from “Mr. Beethoven,” that once-talkative boy was replaced by one who did not return chatter, eye contact or hugs from his older brother, Walt; his mother, Cornelia; or Ron.</p>



<h2 id="h-raising-a-child-on-the-spectrum-in-the-90s">Raising a child on the spectrum in the 90s</h2>



<p>At that time, there were no televised fundraisers for autism hosted by Jon Stewart, and parenting magazines weren’t loaded with articles about autism spectrum disorder. The Suskind family had only one reference for autism: <em>Rain Man</em>, the 1988 movie starring Dustin Hoffman as an autistic savant who had spent much of his adult life in a mental institution until his long-lost brother, portrayed by Tom Cruise, rescued him. Would this be the Suskinds’ life? Would their son come back? Would he ever talk?</p>



<p>Months later, doctors described Owen as autistic, a diagnosis which would “later… be fine-tuned to ‘regressive autism,’” according to <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/09/magazine/reaching-my-autistic-son-through-disney.html" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">a <em>New York Times </em>article</a> written by Ron. Owen’s future remained unclear.</p>



<p>Being a parent is almost always tiring and scary, but parenting an autistic child can be exhausting and terrifying. Difficulty sleeping is <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8891952/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">a common symptom of autism</a>, and the Suskinds spent most nights trying to coax Owen back to bed, unsure whether their consoling was more comforting to him or themselves. Unable to express his needs verbally—he spoke only gibberish—Owen was often agitated and angry. His mom spent day after day with him trying out what were, at the time, two of the primary autism therapies—<a href="https://www.verywellhealth.com/floortime-play-therapy-overview-4582061" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Floortime</a> and the <a href="https://lovaas.com/lovaas-method/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Lovaas Model of Applied Behavior Analysis</a>. These rigorous, labor-intensive methods didn’t seem to make a difference. The couple wondered whether he would ever be able to read, write, have friends, be left alone (he sometimes terrified the family by wandering off) or have a simple conversation.</p>



<p>As Walt hit all the taken-for-granted social milestones of childhood—participating in sports, having sleepovers, going to birthday parties—Owen retreated further into himself, spending almost all of his free time in front of the TV in the basement, which became a literal and symbolic cocoon for him.</p>



<h2 id="h-owen-suskind-s-love-of-disney">Owen Suskind’s love of Disney</h2>



<p>In the basement, Owen didn’t just watch TV—he watched Disney movies. The rebirth of <a href="https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/disney-s-little-mermaid-30-years-ago-changed-animation-musicals-ncna1084221" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">the Disney animation brand</a> had just begun with the 1989 release of <em>The Little Mermaid</em>, and the Suskind family had all the videos. Owen played <em>The Little</em> <em>Mermaid</em>,<em> Beauty and the Beast</em>,<em> Aladdin</em>,<em> Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs</em>,<em> Dumbo</em>,<em> Pinocchio</em> and <em>Bambi </em>on repeat. He learned to work the remote control and would rewind and rewatch certain scenes.</p>



<p>If left to his own devices, without his mother dragging him outside for physical, occupational or speech therapy, Owen—more serene and content than at any other times—would spend every minute viewing Disney movies in the basement. <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8635111/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Animation became his refuge</a> from the real world, which can be an overwhelming and taxing place for people with autism.</p>



<h3 id="h-a-communication-breakthrough">A communication breakthrough</h3>



<p>One night as the Suskind family watched <em>The Little Mermaid</em>, Owen kept repeating “juicervose,” indecipherable syllables he had muttered for weeks. Originally the family thought he wanted juice, but he always refused his sippy cup. So they ignored Owen’s babbles and continued to watch.&nbsp;</p>



<p>During the villainous sea witch Ursula’s solo “Poor Unfortunate Souls,” she offers to transform Ariel into a human in exchange for the young mermaid’s enchanting voice. Her pitch ends, “It won’t cost much. Just your voice!”</p>



<p>Owen annoyed the family by rewinding the last stanza several times. On the fourth viewing, Cornelia understood what Owen had been saying. “It’s not juice!” she said, astonished. “It’s <em>voice</em>. ‘Just your voice!’” Cornelia, Ron and Walt grabbed Owen excitedly. “Is that what you’re saying?!” Owen made eye contact with Ron for the first time in a year and repeated, smiling, “Juicervose! Juicervose! Juicervose!”</p>



<p>When Ron wrote about the moment in his book, <a href="https://amzn.to/3G0cjqV" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"><em>Life, Animated: A Story of Sidekicks, Heroes, and Autism</em></a>, he noted, “A mermaid lost her voice in a moment of transformation. So did this silent boy.”</p>



<p>On a separate occasion, Cornelia realized that another example of Owen’s gibberish,<br>“bootylyzwitten,” was actually the phrase, “beauty lies within” from <em>Beauty and the Beast</em>. Could Owen actually be making these strategic, profound parallels between his life and the animated characters he was watching in the basement?</p>



<p>Despite their skepticism, the family saw these moments as breakthroughs and were euphoric. He was in there. They had proof. Although the afterglow was always short-lived, this proof spurred the family to keep working with Owen—and, most of all, to continue allowing him to indulge in the Disney movies.</p>



<h3 id="h-how-owen-suskind-s-love-of-disney-led-to-connection">How Owen Suskind’s love of Disney led to connection</h3>



<p>Many autistic people <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/13623613211056720" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">develop such singular interests</a>, whether it’s with a football team, a rock band, a TV show or an activity such as drawing or stamp-collecting. Historically, in traditional therapies, these obsessions were discouraged—according to <a href="https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/the-benefits-of-special-interests-in-autism/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"><em>Spectrum</em></a>, “clinicians have historically called them circumscribed interests, and they belong to <a href="https://depts.washington.edu/dbpeds/Screening%20Tools/DSM-5%28ASD.Guidelines%29Feb2013.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">the category of diagnostic criteria</a> for autism called ‘restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests or activities,’ which also includes movements such as hand-flapping and an insistence on rigid routines.” If he spent all his time watching movies, the thinking was, he’d never learn to interact with the real world. Alternately, the favorite music, movie or hobby <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/6-simple-ways-to-find-motivation-in-your-everyday-life/">was used as a motivation</a> and reward tool: In return for saying hello with eye contact five times in a row, for example, you can watch your video.</p>



<p>But it was Owen’s Disney obsession that led to the one moment of connection the Suskinds had experienced since autism stole his voice. Take those movies from him? No way.</p>



<h3>Communicating using Disney characters</h3>



<p>By age 5, Owen had regained some words—”car,” “mine,” “hot,” “cold,” “book”—and used them appropriately. But he wasn’t communicating more than basic needs and wants. Ron and Cornelia longed to have a conversation, to know their son’s thoughts and feelings. On Walt’s 9th birthday, when Owen was 6½, Walt cried at the end of his party. Ron and Cornelia assumed he was tired and overwhelmed. But Owen commented, seemingly nonchalantly, “Walter doesn’t want to grow up, like Mowgli or Peter Pan.” It was Owen’s first full sentence since the age of 2.</p>



<p>That night, as Owen was flipping through a Disney picture book on his bed, Ron sneaked into his room and slipped an Iago puppet onto his hand. In his best Gottfried voice—both Ron and Owen do uncanny impressions of the incessantly shouting Gottfried—Ron said, “So, Owen, how ya doin’? I mean, how does it feel to be you?!” Ron recalls that when Owen looked at the puppet, “it was like he was bumping into an old friend.” Then Ron said his son sadly replied, “I’m not happy. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/why-friends-are-important/">I don’t have friends</a>. I can’t understand what people say.” As hard as it was for Ron not to drop the Iago puppet and hug his son, to comfort him as a father, he stayed in character. Their exchange continued. <em>I’m having a conversation with my son for the first time in five years</em>, Ron thought.</p>



<h2 id="h-using-disney-therapy-with-owen-suskind">Using ‘Disney therapy’ with Owen Suskind</h2>



<p>Thus began what the Suskinds originally called Owen’s “Disney therapy,” in which his family—and soon afterward, his therapists and teachers—acted out scenes together, role-played characters and used Disney scenes, themes and situations to help Owen relate to the wider world. Not only did Owen follow and understand the emotional themes of the movies he watched, he was able to apply the meanings to his life and the lives of those around him. As one of Owen’s doctors said, “Autistic kids like Owen are not supposed to [be able to] do that.”</p>



<p>When immersed in the language of his animated films, Owen communicated clearly and comfortably. When the family visited Disney World, Owen spoke less gibberish and his arm-flapping subdued. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/deliberate-calm/">He was calm</a>, focused and more in tune with his surroundings. Instead of having to constantly adjust to the unfamiliar surroundings of non-autistic folks, the family was finally adjusting to his world. And from there, they could help him navigate the tricky world beyond Disney.</p>



<h3 id="h-a-cycle-of-hope-success-and-disappointment">A cycle of hope, success and disappointment</h3>



<p>Of course, there’s no Disney-style happy ending in real life, complete with an ensemble song-and-dance number. There are still plenty of challenges for Owen. As Ron reminds himself, “Autism is not a spell that gets lifted—it’s a way of being.”</p>



<p>Bringing up Owen, even with the powerful aides of Iago, Simba, Peter Pan and all his Disney pals, was a cycle of hope, success and disappointment.</p>



<p>When Owen attempted a summer sleep-away art camp, to which he was admitted based on his professional-level Disney drawings, it was disastrous. “The counselors are just kind of overmatched,” the camp director explained when Ron arrived to retrieve Owen early, before the camp ended for the other participants.</p>



<p>But at a Thanksgiving family reunion another year, Owen orchestrated an elaborate play based on <a href="https://amzn.to/42Upnb5" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"><em>James and the Giant Peach</em></a> with parts for his cousins. He cast himself as the timid, docile Earthworm. He didn’t want to play the hero. When the Earthworm was introduced on the makeshift stage, Owen recited the lines he scripted: “The Earthworm is scared sometimes and confused. And he’s jealous of the Grasshopper [played by his brother, Walt] and the Centipede and characters who can do things that he can’t. And that’s why I’m the Earthworm.” The cousins took their bows to thunderous clapping and tear-filled eyes.</p>



<h2 id="h-owen-suskinds-successes">Owen Suskinds’ successes</h2>



<p>As of 2015, 32-year-old Owen lives in Hyannis, Massachusetts. In 2017, he and his family were the subject of <em>Life, Animated</em>, an Oscar-nominated documentary. He works at Toys “R” Us, helping customers and pricing merchandise. He also had his Disney-inspired art displayed at <a href="https://www.capenews.net/arts_and_entertainment/artist-owen-suskind-s-disney-inspired-works-to-be-exhibited-at-rice-gallery-in-mashpee/article_0e1273d0-0acd-11e5-9f02-eb0d0d806c53.html" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Cape Cod’s Rice Gallery</a> in a one-day exhibition. Owen says he embraces himself as a “proud and brave autistic man.”</p>



<p>Owen also helps his parents spread the idea of “<a href="https://archive.nytimes.com/well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/04/07/inside-the-mind-of-a-child-with-autism/?_php=true&amp;_type=blogs&amp;_r=0" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">affinity therapy</a>,” based on the success of his Disney therapy. “We kept hearing other stories like his from folks on the autistic spectrum,” Ron said. “So many of them find this thing <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-ways-to-discover-your-true-passion/">that they’re passionate about</a>, and they pour themselves into it, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/post-secondary-programs-for-students-with-autism/">finding all manner of expertise</a> and ingenuity in how they use it as a source and a framing for identity and for how they see the world. It’s beautiful to see how so many of them use [their affinities] as code-breakers.” He urges people to embrace the interests, however quirky or obsessive they may seem, of their autistic loved ones.</p>



<p>A <a href="https://www.pulitzer.org/winners/ron-suskind#:~:text=For%20his%20stories%20about%20inner,George%20Rupp%2C%20Columbia%20University%20President." target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist</a>, Ron wrote <em>Life, Animated</em> about his family’s journey, in part, to share this message. “Loving Owen’s passions is loving who he is. The affinity is more pathway than prison. We have to get on that pathway and walk with him. The more we did that, the deeper he brought us in, and the more we saw of this underlying world and his powerful set of capacities. And now that’s happening for kids all over the world,” he said—they use their affinities to communicate and blossom. </p>



<p class="has-small-font-size"><em>This article was published in October 2015 and has been updated. Photo courtesy of the Suskind family</em></p>

When Owen Suskind was a toddler, he was diagnosed with autism. Here's how he began to connect and communicate with others via Disney movies.

When Owen Suskind was a toddler, he was diagnosed with autism. Here's how he began to connect and communicate with others via Disney movies. | SUCCESS

‘Autism Is Not a Spell That Gets Lifted—It’s a Way of Being’

How Owen Suskind Connected to Others with Disney | SUCCESS

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two men in conflict talking to forgive and forget

<p>“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong,” <a href="https://amzn.to/3TyN70m" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">wrote Mahatma Gandhi</a>. Probably because <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202202/why-we-struggle-forgive-and-what-do-about-it" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">forgiving is hard work</a>, especially when some deeds don’t seem worthy of forgiveness. But the difficult work to forgive and forget is worth it: Research has found that forgiveness, among other benefits, can improve <a href="https://bmcpsychology.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40359-020-00470-w" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">psychosocial and psychological well-being</a> and decrease paranoia <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jopy.12755" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">resulting from negative interpersonal experiences</a>.</p>



<p><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-forgive/">Forgiving can even bestow</a> some degree of peace of mind upon the forgiver. How? Because forgiveness is not about making other people feel better about their transgressions. It is about lightening the burden that their transgressions have left upon you. And this lightening effect isn’t just metaphorical.&nbsp;</p>



<p>One study in the ongoing research of Felipe De Brigard, an associate professor at Duke University, <a href="https://latinamericancaribbean.duke.edu/forgiveness-does-not-necessarily-mean-forgetting-says-duke-philosopher-and-neuroscientist" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">asked participants to</a> “recall an event in which someone else had harmed them emotionally or physically in the past 10 years.” Following this, participants were randomly sorted into two categories—to forgive or not to forgive. The results found that while neither group differed “in the physical or emotional details of the past wrongdoings… those in the forgiveness group tended to experience the memories with less intensity and ruminated less on those events.” An additional trial found that, when looking at the effect of traumatic memories, those who forgave the wrongdoer were less likely to consider the experience as “central to their identity” or let it affect their lives.</p>



<h2 id="h-how-to-forgive-and-forget">How to forgive and forget</h2>



<p>So are you ready to lighten up? In his seminal book, <a href="https://amzn.to/3lxiw6C" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"><em>Forgiveness Is a Choice</em></a>, Robert Enright, Ph.D., co-founder of the <a href="https://internationalforgiveness.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">International Forgiveness Institute</a> and a professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, divides <a href="https://internationalforgiveness.com/need-to-forgive/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">the process of forgiveness</a> into four steps:</p>



<h3 id="h-1-uncover">1. Uncover.</h3>



<p>Be honest with yourself about your anger and hurt, and assess the full damage the injustice has caused in your life. If a parent made you feel inadequate growing up, does <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/youve-been-conditioned-into-low-self-esteem-heres-how-to-get-it-back/">your self-esteem still suffer</a>? Do you look for love and validation in unhealthy ways?</p>



<h3 id="h-2-decide-to-forgive-and-forget">2. Decide to forgive and forget.</h3>



<p>You must make the conscious decision to forgive your “injurers,” as Enright calls them, and give up any vengeful behaviors on your part. If, for example, a coworker once stole an idea and you’ve been denying them credit on other projects ever since, it’s time to change your tactic. The negativity and anger you cling to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-anger-can-affect-your-whole-day/">won’t do you any good</a> in the long run, Enright says.</p>



<h3 id="h-3-work">3. Work.</h3>



<p>It takes effort to understand and empathize with someone who has hurt you. Enright suggests asking yourself a few questions: What was life like for this person while growing up? What psychological wounds might they be nursing? What extra pressure or stress was the person experiencing at the time they offended you? Then <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-30-days-of-kindness-made-me-a-better-person/">think of a small gift</a> you could offer this person. It might be a smile, a handshake, a returned phone call or simply more tolerance the next time you are with them. Keep in mind, though, that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. If you were or are <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/13-red-flags-of-toxic-relationships/">in an abusive relationship</a> of any kind, for example, your forgiveness can and should come from afar.</p>



<h3 id="h-4-discover">4. Discover.</h3>



<p>Find meaning and purpose in what you have been through, Enright encourages. How can you help others who might be hurting? If you’ve been a victim of racial bias, for example, you might decide to become more active in civil rights causes. In the emotional relief of letting go, Enright says, you might discover “the paradox of forgiveness: as we give to others the gifts of mercy, generosity and moral love, we ourselves are healed.”</p>



<p class="has-small-font-size"><em>This article originally appeared in the February 2017 <a href="https://store.success.com/by-media/magazines/success-magazine-february-2017-j-j-abrams.html">issue of SUCCESS magazine</a> and has been updated. Photo by loreanto/Shutterstock</em></p>

To improve your physical and emotional well-being, it's important to learn how to forgive and forget. Use these steps for true forgiveness.

To improve your physical and emotional well-being, it's important to learn how to forgive and forget. Use these steps for true forgiveness. | SUCCESS

4 Ways to Truly Forgive and Forget

How to Forgive and Forget: 4 Tips to Truly Let It Go | SUCCESS

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Business &amp; Branding

Business &amp; Branding Archives

Stay ahead in business: strategies and insights for success

<p>Have you ever been annoyed by an everyday household glitch? Maybe the dishwasher doesn’t dry your plastics completely. Perhaps you’re tired of waiting the 20 seconds or so it takes your shower water to heat up. When that happens, do you get over it after a minute or two? Or do you spend the next 15 years of your life developing a foolproof dishwasher? Do you bring your family to the brink of bankruptcy riding on a dream of a more efficient water heater? If you’re James Dyson, that answer would be yes.</p>



<p>“As I have often said, I aim not to be clever, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/9-ways-to-improve-your-perseverance-skills/">but to be dogged</a>,” Dyson wrote in his autobiography, <em>Against the Odds</em>. Dyson is clever, for sure—spend 10 minutes with him and your head will spin as fast as one of his patented motors with explanations of turbines, positive and negative ions and particle emissions. But his doggedness is what made him and his clever vacuums household names.</p>



<h2 id="h-james-dyson-s-inspiration-solve-an-everyday-problem">James Dyson’s inspiration: solve an everyday problem</h2>



<p>In 1978, while vacuuming his home in Bathford, England, he noticed that the bag in his Hoover upright quickly became clogged with dust and lost its suction. And with three kids younger than 8—which is to say, with lots of dirt and debris—this underperformance bugged Dyson. While you or I might accept a little dust as a fair price to pay for the convenience of a machine that sucks Cheerios and pet hair from rugs, Dyson did not. Instead, he devoted his life to developing and marketing a new vacuum technology.</p>



<p>Around the same time, Dyson was producing another of his inventions: the Ballbarrow, an ingeniously simple rejiggering of the wheelbarrow. With a ball instead of wheel, the barrow was easier to move and could turn on a dime.</p>



<p>The plant where the Ballbarrows were manufactured used a giant fan to catch and filter the errant epoxy paint used on the carts, but other factories—such as timber factories—used enormous cyclones to do the same. (Put simply, <a href="https://electronics.howstuffworks.com/everyday-tech/cyclonic-separation.htm" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">cyclonic separation technology</a> rotates air through a cylinder at high speeds to extract any particles from it, in case you’re wondering.) </p>



<p>Though the Ballbarrows failed, Dyson had a new idea. At home, he fashioned a miniature cyclone out of cardboard and duct tape and attached it to his Hoover in place of the bag. His do-it-yourself project worked, and the first cyclonic bagless vacuum was born.</p>



<h2 id="h-james-dyson-s-15-years-of-struggle">James Dyson’s 15 years of struggle</h2>



<p>But the story is never as simple as its retelling. Between his taped-up prototype and the beginning of his current market prevalence, there were 15 years of rejections, lawsuits and near-bankruptcy, alongside thousands of prototype revisions. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/4-ways-to-build-grit-when-you-need-it-most/">That’s where the doggedness</a>—<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-support-a-partner-in-career-change/">and a supportive wife</a>—comes in. By Dyson’s side since they met at art school was Deirdre, an illustrator and graphic designer by training (she now <a href="https://www.deirdredyson.com/about-us/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">custom-designs carpets</a>). Deirdre supported Dyson’s prototype habit with her modest salary as an art teacher.</p>



<p>His autobiography (dedicated to Deirdre for being “stoic in the extreme” and for bringing up their three children “at many times on her own”) details the dozens of almost-deals with manufacturers, investors, vacuum titans and distributors from all over the world that went awry at the last minute.</p>



<p>“What I realized,” he told <em>SUCCESS</em>, “is companies weren’t interested in investing in new technology. They were too afraid.” Or they were too invested in existing technology, he says: A vacuum manufacturer whose revenue relies heavily on bag sales isn’t going to rush toward bagless technology.</p>



<p>Dyson <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/why-failure-is-good-for-success/">experienced failure after failure</a>, but he saw them as the failures of people and corporations that might have given him money or sold his product. They couldn’t see the potential. “It was a wonderful opportunity, all these rejections,” Dyson says in his soothing, everything-will-be-fine lilt. “I learned I would have to introduce the technology myself.”</p>



<h2 id="h-what-excites-james-dyson">What excites James Dyson</h2>



<p>One thing is clear when you talk to Dyson: He considers himself an engineering lodestar. He evaluates people, cultures and entire countries on their ability to engineer a tangible thing and their willingness to embrace new technologies engineered by others. (The Japanese and Americans are refreshingly enthusiastic about technology, he believes, but he is disappointed by his fellow Englishmen, who are “negative” and “unambitious” when it comes to innovation.)</p>



<p>He believes the designers of breakthrough products <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/10-marketing-rules-the-best-entrepreneurs-live-and-die-by/">should also market them</a>. He believes designers, engineers and inventors should lead the business, rather than turning that crucial task over to marketers, accountants and lawyers (“businessmen,” Dyson scoffs). Ask him whether he considers himself a businessman, after leading his company to financial success, and Dyson responds with an emphatic, “No, not at all. I’m a designer and engineer and maker of products.”</p>



<p>When <em>SUCCESS</em> first met Dyson, it was early 2013 at the launch of his hybrid <a href="https://www.dyson.com/commercial/hand-dryers/airblade-wash-dry-short" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Airblade</a> motion-activated hand-dryer and faucet. He politely answered questions <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/launching-a-business-against-all-odds-3-tips-for-startup-success/">about his startup years</a> and tough business decisions (in 2002, he moved production of his machines from Malmesbury, a small town in England, to Malaysia; more on this later).</p>



<p>But once he’s asked to describe the new digital motor that powers the Airblade, Dyson moves to the edge of his seat, gestures animatedly and speaks for minutes at a time, earnestly explaining how fast and efficient his turbine can be. “The fastest motor [before ours] was 30,000 rotations per minute [RPM]. A jet engine goes 15,000 RPM. A Ferrari racecar goes 18,000 to 19,000 RPM. Ours goes 100,000 RPM!” he says—and goes on. At great, excited length. And it’s easy to see how Dyson inspires <a href="https://careers.dyson.com/en-gb/who-we-are/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">his global team</a> of more than 14,000 employees.</p>



<h2 id="h-progress-at-last">Progress at last</h2>



<p>Designers and engineers need more than inventions; they need money <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/ready-to-launch-your-product-read-these-3-tips-first/">to launch their products</a>. And after years of hitting the pavement with little luck, Dyson was in dangerously short supply of cash. An early break came from the design-loving Japanese, to whom Dyson licensed his technology.</p>



<p>The first iteration of the cyclonic vacuum for sale was a pink upright called the G-Force, launched in 1986. Its popularity in Japan sustained Dyson’s efforts. But it wasn’t until 1993 that his personal pièce de résistance, the Dual Cyclone, also known as the DC01, was marketed under his own name. By 1995, it was the top-selling vacuum in the U.K.&nbsp;</p>



<h2 id="h-life-at-the-dyson-research-design-and-development-center">Life at the Dyson Research, Design and Development Center</h2>



<p>But the title dearest to Sir Dyson (he was knighted in 2007) was still “engineer.” As chairman of his company—Dyson stepped down in 2010—he spent most of his time and energy cultivating the “young and bright” engineers who worked for him at the Dyson Research, Design and Development Center. He thought of himself as an “ancient tutor” to these crackerjacks.</p>



<h3 id="h-james-dyson-thinks-engineers-should-build-their-ideas-themselves">James Dyson thinks engineers should build their ideas themselves</h3>



<p>Dyson had a rule for the center’s research and development activities: No technicians allowed. The engineers had to bring their ideas to life themselves. “They all have to make and test their own prototypes, which allows them to see what works and what doesn’t. You don’t get that from looking at a prototype made by someone else or by looking at test results,” he says.</p>



<p>Although Dyson no longer made models himself, he spent most of his day “breaking the prototypes” of his engineers, challenging them to go further and spot problems before they happened. Were the engineers nervous when Dyson started looking over their shoulders? “I was at the start,” says Marcus Hartley, a former design manager at Dyson, who worked on the Airblade Tap. “But James has got such a charisma about him. And being an engineer, he understands you. It’s not like you’re talking to the head of a company. He’s just an engineer. You can bounce ideas off each other.”</p>



<h3 id="h-keeping-things-in-house">Keeping things in-house</h3>



<p>Another rule: Dyson wouldn’t sell his technology or go public. “He could make loads of money selling the technology,” Hartley says. Dyson was confident the money would come from selling the company’s own well-engineered products—from the iconic vacuums and bladeless fans <a href="https://www.dyson.com/latest-tech" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">to the newer</a> Corrale™ straightener and Hot+Cool purifier. “I don’t want our engineers to adapt their technology for others, but to keep thinking of ways for us to utilize it,” he says.</p>



<p>Dyson didn’t want his engineers to worry about pleasing investors, either, which is why he stayed private. “I’m never tempted to do an IPO. I want myself and everyone to just concentrate on bringing out the next new products. I want to keep it simple and think long-term,” he says.</p>



<h2 id="h-james-dyson-is-one-of-britain-s-biggest-stories">James Dyson is one of Britain's biggest stories</h2>



<p>Dyson’s mentoring extended beyond his own research and development department. He tried to get his entire country to move its focus away from trading and back to creating and making. In 2010, he wrote a report called “<a href="https://media.dyson.com/images_resize_sites/inside_dyson/assets/UK/downloads/IngeniousBritain.PDF" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Ingenious Britain: Making the U.K. the leading high tech exporter in Europe</a>.” <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/nov/04/james-dyson-addresses-engineering-skills-gap-with-university-launch" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">He has complained widely</a> about the lack of engineers in the U.K. And his advice has been regarded highly.</p>



<p>“Dyson is one of Britain’s biggest success stories, and Sir James Dyson knows better than any bureaucrat how you start a business, build it up and start selling to the world,” Former Prime Minister David Cameron has said. “And he’s put that knowledge into this blueprint for creating a generation of innovation and enterprise.” High praise from a high place.</p>



<p>But Dyson’s dedication to building the U.K.’s export economy is why his company’s decision to move manufacturing to Malaysia over two decades ago was so infuriating for many. “It was a very painful, difficult decision,” Dyson lamented. “My CEO at the time recommended it, and he was right. It was all we could do.” The company was advised that the British government would refuse its application for factory expansion and that it could not appeal. “We had to go somewhere.”</p>



<h3 id="h-and-he-doesn-t-stop-tinkering">And he doesn’t stop tinkering</h3>



<p>However, the ever-tinkering engineer in Dyson won’t admit to success. “There are always difficulties and problems to be solved right in front of me and that’s how I feel on a daily basis. I like failure,” he says. “I like having to try and try all the time. Some things take years to get right. One has a sort of frown and a furrow on one’s forehead all the time. Then when you’ve made it work, you don’t sit back and have a glass of champagne. You get on to the next thing.</p>



<p>“Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist, but I’ve decided that if you never feel satisfied, it’s probably a good thing.”</p>



<p class="has-small-font-size"><em>This article was published in November 2013 and has been updated. Photo by © Matthias Clamer/Corbis Outline</em></p>

Sir James Dyson, the man behind the popular home electronics and vacuum cleaners, shares his story and how he achieved success.

Sir James Dyson, the man behind the popular home electronics and vacuum cleaners, shares his story and how he achieved success. | SUCCESS

James Dyson: The Ever-Tinkering Engineer

James Dyson: Meet the Ever-Tinkering Engineer | SUCCESS

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<p>So you think you’re creative? We’re going to guess you do.</p>



<p>In an informal poll, we asked friends, family members and neighbors the same question, and the results were unanimous:</p>



<p>A retired accountant: yes.</p>



<p>The barista at a favorite local coffee shop: yes.</p>



<p>A neuroscience researcher: yes.</p>



<p>A dog walker: yes.</p>



<p>The across-the-hall neighbor, a photographer and a stay-at-home parent: yes.</p>



<p>We can’t possibly <em>all</em> be creative, though, right?</p>



<p>Actually we can. Creativity was once considered to be the exclusive dominion of eccentric geniuses such as Albert Einstein, Vincent van Gogh and Steve Jobs. But recent research shows manifold traits—including intelligence, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/creativity" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">personality traits</a> such as <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1871187121001887" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">openness to experience</a> and <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-022-19694-4" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">curiosity</a>—affect creativity.</p>



<h2>Being creative and neuroscience</h2>



<p>In <a href="https://amzn.to/3Hnik25" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"><em>Wired to Create: Unraveling the Mysteries of the Creative Mind</em></a>, co-author Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D., makes the case that everyone’s brains are <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/12-creativity-hacks/">capable of profound creativity</a>. But knowing how or why is a sticky, tricky business. That’s because not only are there many facets to creativity, he says, but so many of them are at odds with each other. “Creatives” are not only artistic and imaginative; they are, for example, analytical and task-oriented, too. Creativity checks lots of (seemingly contradictory) boxes.</p>



<p>Neuroscience has been so effective at mapping which parts of the brain are involved with which cognitive functions. But it has only added to the confusion when it comes to creativity. The fight-or-flight response, for example, <a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/stress/amygdala-hijack" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">originates in the amygdala</a>. The hippocampus <a href="https://www.livescience.com/how-the-brain-stores-memories" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">facilitates the creation and storage</a> of long-term memories. But for those engaged in creative tasks and in the process of refining their work or collaborating with others to make further progress, a number of brain regions <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/04/cover-science-creativity" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">support creative ability</a>.</p>



<p>No one brain region or hemisphere—as the myth of the right-brained artist would have us believe—can <a href="https://neurosciencenews.com/creativity-jazz-brain-16040/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">lay claim to creativity</a>, Kaufman says. He calls the creative brain a “messy brain” because it activates so many intellectual and emotional capacities, making it hard to tease apart one common characteristic that signals creativity.</p>



<h2>Questions to discover your creative side</h2>



<p>From a practical standpoint, the diversity of experience involved in creativity makes it a difficult concept to study. After all, how do you measure? Is the metric based on how many new ideas <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-practices-to-come-up-with-new-ideas/">you can come up with</a>? On how you dress, what music you listen to and with whom you strike up conversations? On the number of screenplays you’ve written, products you’ve developed or paintings you’ve sold? Or simply on how creative you feel yourself to be?</p>



<p>Along with Martin Seligman, Ph.D., the “father of positive psychology,” Kaufman established the Imagination Institute, part of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, to answer these questions. They’ve found that despite the untidiness of the creative brain, a few elements brand us all as creative human beings. Ask yourself these four questions to determine what makes you imaginative, innovative and resourceful.</p>



<h3 id="h-1-are-you-divergent">1. Are you divergent?</h3>



<p>For years, creativity research has primarily revolved around the assessment of one aspect of imagination: divergent thinking, the ability to formulate multiple solutions to a problem. To measure divergent thinking, scientists might ask their study participants <a href="https://www.creativehuddle.co.uk/post/the-alternative-uses-test#:~:text=February%202%2C%202021-,Designed%20by%20J.P.%20Guilford%20in%201967%2C%20the%20Alternative%20Uses%20Test,your%20ability%20to%20think%20creatively." target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">to come up with</a> as many novel, feasible uses as possible for a common object such as a paper clip, brick or cup. Depending on their answers (a bubble wand! a paperweight! a flower vase!), the subjects were deemed creative or not. But more recent studies have found that divergent thinking <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1871187119302020?via%3Dihub" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">is not the only</a>, <a href="https://asana.com/resources/convergent-vs-divergent" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">or even primary</a>, measure of creativity. In fact, its cognitive opposite, convergent thinking—following logical steps to determine a solution—<a href="https://digitalcommons.unomaha.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1281&amp;context=psychfacpub" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">is just as important</a>. After all, you need to be able to think convergently to pick the best of all of your quite possibly harebrained divergent ideas and see it through.</p>



<p><a href="https://static1.squarespace.com/static/57ab59ce893fc0d6eb450ccb/t/62e04bf5c5cb8364ec23bde2/1658866678041/Zabelina_2015_Creativity_and_sensory_gating.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">One 2015 study</a> from Northwestern University found that, in regards to sensory processing as a predictor of creative achievement, divergent thinking did not correlate with real-world creative success. “People who perform really well on divergent thinking tests aren’t necessarily creative achievers,” says Darya Zabelina, Ph.D., the lead author of the study. That is, even the folks who couldn’t think of anything to do with the paper clip besides holding papers together were just as likely to write and direct a successful play as the people who had loads of MacGyver-type tricks for the humble office-supply staple. Divergent thinking doesn’t always predict creativity.</p>



<p>But it still counts. Psychologists rely on something called <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/the-big-five-personality-dimensions-2795422" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">the Big Five personality traits</a>—extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism and openness to experience/intellect—when evaluating basic personality types as they relate to the world. That last one, openness to experience/intellect, is the one most consistently associated with creativity. But the two sides of the trait, taken separately, predict different types of creative vision. <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4459939/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Research by Kaufman</a> and his colleagues found that higher openness to intellect scores were associated with creative achievement in the sciences and higher openness to experience scores were associated with artistic creativity.</p>



<p>Here’s where divergent thinking comes back into play: Divergence is <a href="https://www.mdpi.com/2079-3200/9/2/23" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">indicative of the fluid reasoning</a> involved with the intellect side of the coin. If you lean toward openness to intellect, you may not be the stereotypical creative type. Maybe you don’t write poetry in your spare time or tinker with the guitar, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-art-of-problem-solving-4-creative-strategies-to-tackle-your-biggest-obstacles/">but you solve problems</a> in elegant, effective ways that drive advancements in your field. These novel solutions are a hallmark of your creativity.</p>



<p>It’s not just our professional lives, though, where unlocking your creativity matters. Relationships involve inventive problem-solving at every turn, for example, as does the management of our own emotional well-being. Do you want to keep reacting to your father with anger, or do you want to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/11-strategies-for-handling-conflict/">find a new way</a> of getting past old resentments and see things differently? It takes creativity to change our mindsets. And that may be why studies have shown that <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886922001507" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">creative people are generally happier</a> and more positive.</p>



<h3 id="h-2-are-you-open">2. Are you open?</h3>



<p>The Imagination Institute’s research found that people who score high on <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/5-tips-to-keep-an-open-mind/">openness to experience</a>—that is, the degree to which one is willing to engage with novel experiences for their own sake—are much more likely to possess artistic creativity.&nbsp;</p>



<p>“People who are high in openness might enjoy traveling to new places, eating foods they’ve never eaten before and discussing ideas they’re unfamiliar with,” says Marie Forgeard, Ph.D., lead scientific consultant for the Imagination Institute. In short, they’re curious, and it pays off in enhanced creativity. “When we diversify our experiences, we’re more likely to come up with new ideas or ways of looking at the world,” Forgeard says. “We can find the connections between things that most people would not think to connect.” You may hear a new song, for example, that reminds you of that book you read that the guy you met on the train recommended. He was from Japan and that makes you wonder whether the cherry blossoms have bloomed there and what climate change factors could be influencing the unseasonable weather. Suddenly you feel the inspiration to write, cook or rearrange your living room.</p>



<p>For some, these cognitive connections may happen whether they want them to or not. In <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.3758/s13421-015-0569-4" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">a 2015 study</a> published in <em>Memory &amp; Cognition</em>, Zabelina explored how patterns of attention may influence creativity. She contrasted “flexible” attention (avoiding sensory distraction) with “leaky” attention (paying attention to sensory distractions). If your attention is leaky, the beeping horn from outside the window and the light coming from the bathroom will all distract you from, say, getting your tax return done or finishing that email to your partner. While many people’s brains tune out the sensory information that isn’t relevant to the job at hand, leaky brains let it all in without any filtering. And while this can make checking items off a to-do list trying, Zabelina’s work shows that it also promotes creativity. In her study, the participants with the highest number of “real-world creative achievements”—specifically artistic achievements—were more prone to leaky attention.</p>



<p>“It’s a double-edged sword because people with leaky attention can be easily overwhelmed, but they’re also more creative,” Zabelina says. “They are sensitive to the environment they’re in as well as their internal, emotional environment. They don’t disregard things as irrelevant. They notice things and make connections between all the stimuli they’re experiencing.” With more information coming in, folks with leaky attention seem to be more readily inspired. (Divergent thinkers, it’s interesting to note, aced the concentration test.)</p>



<p>Does this mean that people with attention deficit disorders are creative geniuses? It’s possible, Zabelina says, but there has to be a balance. “You have to be an astute observer,” she says, “but you also have to be able to sit down and write that book or build the invention you just thought of.” Leaky creatives have to learn tricks to harness their observational inspiration without being inundated by it. To do so, Michael DeVine, owner of Michael DeVine Counseling &amp; Coaching in Dublin, Ohio, suggests practicing mindfulness. By training yourself to notice what’s going on around and within you at the present moment, without getting caught up in it, you can actually focus better, he says. “Creative people need to feel centered before they can reach their peak performance.”</p>



<h3 id="h-3-are-you-motivated">3. Are you motivated?</h3>



<p>Is creativity worth anything without the achievements to show for it? You can make all the connections you want in your head. But unless you put pen to paper, your creativity is contained, self-serving. And that’s fine, many psychologists say. Your self-perception of your own creativity can still improve your <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8305859/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">sense of well-being</a>.</p>



<p>People who are very “open to experience cognitively engage with perception, fantasy, aesthetics and emotion,” Kaufman says. In other words, pondering, fantasizing and introspecting can constitute the creative life for many. While some people may be more predisposed to imaginative thinking, Forgeard says “not all of them are motivated to develop this ability and dedicate themselves to a creative mission.” Which is why highly creative achievers aren’t always the dreamy types we picture. Creative achievement <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6594373/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">requires executive function skills</a>—the opposite of leaky attention, one of the many contradictions that makes creativity so messy, Kaufman says.</p>



<p>Motivation may be circumstantial, though, depending on your creative role models and the opportunities and experiences you’ve had, Forgeard says. If you were encouraged to explore your ideas and try new things as a child, for example, you might be more likely and unafraid to pursue your creativity than someone who wasn’t. If you find that <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/9-ways-to-motivate-yourself-when-youre-stuck/">motivation is your sticking point</a>, join a writers’ group, acting class or small-business club. Being around like-minded people can give you the support and structure you need to attain creative goals.</p>



<p>Finally, studies show that both intrinsic motivation—the motivation to do something out of your own interest and pleasure—and extrinsic motivation—that is, being motivated by an external reward or because you want to meet a perceived expectation—<a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00137/full" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">can benefit creativity</a>. Specifically, “recognition and social rewards” can <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jpim.12554" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">have a positive effect</a> on intrinsic motivation and creativity, allowing both forms of motivation to work in tandem.&nbsp;</p>



<h3 id="h-4-are-you-collaborative">4. Are you collaborative?</h3>



<p>The chaotic nature of creativity is why Mark Prommel, partner and design lead at Pensa, an award-winning design and engineering firm in New York City, believes in teamwork. “We put people together from different backgrounds [engineering, design, art, business] because we need all kinds of brains <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-be-a-better-thinker-innovator-and-problem-solver/">thinking about a problem</a>,” Prommel says. “We don’t separate our teams into creative and noncreative people because everyone has a different type of creativity, and they’re all needed to complete a project. Being open to other ideas and collaboration is so important.”</p>



<p>Even if you’re not on a team, cultivating creativity relies on inner collaboration. Remember: Creativity is a whole-brain activity. Recognize what your creative strengths are and then work on amplifying the others. If you’re a divergent thinker, you may want to work on observing the world around you and allowing yourself to be inspired by what you find. If you’re already the curious, sensitive type, you might need help making the most of your wandering mind. And if you’re highly motivated and organized, find a creative endeavor you feel really passionate about.</p>



<p>But the truth is, we all possess more than one of the aspects of creativity. In <em>Wired to Create</em>, Kaufman quotes Walt Whitman: “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)”</p>



<p>You, too, contain multitudes. It’s what makes you so darn creative.</p>



<p class="has-small-font-size"><em>This article originally appeared in the July 2016 <a href="https://store.success.com/by-media/magazines/success-magazine-july-2016-peter-diamandis.html" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">issue of SUCCESS magazine</a> and has been updated. Photo by Yuricazac/Shutterstock</em></p>

Ask yourself these simple questions to determine what makes you imaginative, innovative and resourceful—all traits that help you be creative.

Ask yourself these simple questions to determine what makes you imaginative, innovative and resourceful—and unlock your creativity. | SUCCESS

A 4-Question Guide to Unlock Your Creativity

How to be Creative: 4 Questions to Unlock Your Creativity | SUCCESS

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The Secret to a Healthy Relationship Isn't a Secret at All

Relationships

Relationships Archives

Relationships | SUCCESS | What Achievers Read

<p>The secret to lasting,<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-8-traits-of-healthy-relationships"> </a><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/6-ways-to-build-lasting-relationships/">satisfying relationships</a> is not a secret at all. Sincere listening is the key to all romantic, platonic or work-related relationships. Trust blossoms when people feel heard and understood.</p>



<p>Of course, there’s a difference between hearing and listening, and all of us could use practice with the latter. In his book, <em><a href="https://amzn.to/48UIrIU" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships</a></em>, Michael P. Nichols writes, “The essence of good listening is empathy, which can be achieved only by suspending our preoccupation with ourselves and entering into the experience of the other person. Part intuition and part effort, it’s the stuff of human connection.”</p>



<p><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/beyond-first-impressions-6-ways-to-deepen-your-connections/">Want to connect better</a> with the people in your life? Listen up!</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-reflect"><strong>Reflect.</strong></h2>



<p><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-speak-well-and-listen-better/">Listening is a skill</a>, and reflecting is a technique almost all mental health professionals and business coaches use when teaching listening to their clients. When practicing reflecting, you reflect back what the other person has said, but in a different way. If someone says, “I am so nervous about this pitch and presentation,” for example, you might reflect back, “You’re stressed about all of the work you have going on right now.” Yes, this will feel forced and awkward at first, but once you get used to it, the tactic will show you’re listening and have absorbed the message. It also allows the speaker to see how you have interpreted their words and can prompt them to offer details to further explain (“Well, it’s not the work I’m nervous about. I’m scared to get up in front of the crowd.”).</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-save-your-own-response"><strong>Save your own response.</strong></h2>



<p>When your spouse tells you they can’t leave work to pick up the kids, you probably want to respond, “I can’t either!” Good listeners are aware of their own responses and take note of them, “but put them aside to be dealt with later,” says Julienne Derichs, a couple’s counselor in the Chicago area. Think of it as <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/5-ways-you-can-use-mindfulness/">similar to mindfulness meditation</a>, where you acknowledge your thoughts but let them pass. Instead of bringing up your own feelings right away, hear your partner out. “Consciously let down your defensiveness,” she says. “Focus on what is being said, both verbally and through body language and tone of voice.<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-be-more-empathetic-in-conversations"> </a>Try to understand things from their point of view.”</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-clarify"><strong>Clarify.</strong></h2>



<p>Next,<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/6-underlying-benefits-of-asking-questions"><strong> </strong></a>ask questions—as judgment-free as possible—to make sure you’re really understanding the other person. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dear-life-please-improve/202102/the-art-asking-sensitive-questions">Your clarifying questions</a> might sound like: “I want to make sure I’ve got this right. Did you mean that you won’t be able to make it back in time for the kids?” or “You sound upset to me. Did I catch you at a bad time?” Your goal isn’t to put them on the spot, but to disarm and understand the situation.</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-assume-the-best"><strong>Assume the best.</strong></h2>



<p>“Positive partners don’t jump to negative conclusions,” Derichs says. If you notice a pattern of cynical assumptions in your relationships, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-change-your-habits/">it’s time for a reset</a>. Make a point to hear your spouse or friend freshly each time, so that when they say, “I don’t want to go to the party,” you don’t immediately think the worst: <em>They never want to do anything with me!</em> It’s possible your spouse doesn’t want to go to the party because they want to spend alone time with you at home. See what happens when you<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/3-ways-to-spread-positivity"> </a>ascribe positive motivations to your partner’s words and actions? Your generous spirit might spark a positive chain reaction.</p>



<p class="has-small-font-size"><em>This article originally appeared in the<a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/by-media/magazines/success-magazine-august-2017-simon-sinek.html" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"> August 2017 issue of </a></em><a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/by-media/magazines/success-magazine-august-2017-simon-sinek.html" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">SUCCESS</a><em><a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/by-media/magazines/success-magazine-august-2017-simon-sinek.html" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"> magazine</a> and has been updated. Photo by JLco Julia Amaral/Shutterstock</em></p>

Sincere listening is the key to all romantic, platonic or work-related relationships. Trust blossoms when people feel heard and understood.

Sincere listening is the key to all romantic, platonic or work-related relationships. Trust blossoms when people feel heard and understood. | SUCCESS

The Secret to a Healthy Relationship Isn&#8217;t a Secret at All

The Secret to a Healthy Relationship Isn't a Secret at All | SUCCESS

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3 Tips to Open Your Heart, Mind and Life to Change

<p>If—like me—you are approaching or are fully entrenched in middle age, you probably feel pretty comfy with how much you know. You’ve got <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/7-daily-habits-to-build-your-resilience/">routines and rituals</a> that work pretty well for you. And isn’t that what we deserve as adults? We went through years of trial and error to find the job, friends, leisure activities and even clothes that fit us best. We are comfortable. Why bother with aliens?</p>



<p>Self-preservation is a strong survival instinct. When we are threatened, we puff up our chests and bare our teeth to defend our position, property and point of view. But one great paradox of humanity is that our self-preservation requires adaptation. We have to change in order to remain. Getting too comfortable—whether it’s in the cave with fire and animal skins or in the three-story house with central heat and Snuggies—prevents us from adapting to a changing world.</p>



<p>The world does change, and not just in catastrophic ways like meteors or <a href="https://www.globalchange.gov/climate-change" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">global warming</a>. Your go-to Italian trattoria could close. Knee pain might end your morning runs. Your job may become automated. In other words, the aliens might find you anyhow, so you’ll need to learn new things. Because you’re human, this process will be uncomfortable, and this discomfort is called growth. You can do it on your own, but it’s easier with help from a friend, a parent, a mentor or a coach, whether formal or not.</p>



<p><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/why-change-is-good/">Are you open to change?</a> To help? Are you coachable? If not, your alien encounter might not go so well. It’s easy to decree, “Be more open.” It’s much harder to actually do that, especially if you have shy, cautious or defensive tendencies. Following are three powerful techniques for opening your heart, mind and life to change:</p>



<h2 id="h-1-affirm-your-values">1. Affirm your values.&nbsp;</h2>



<p>When we feel threatened, our defenses immediately go up. To <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/youve-been-conditioned-into-low-self-esteem-heres-how-to-get-it-back/">protect our self-esteem</a>, we may deny our faults and find many in others. If your work team wins a pitch, for example, you might assume it was because of your own hard work and strategy. If you lose, though, it’s easy to blame the failure on your teammates’ laziness or your client’s lack of vision.</p>



<p>While this self-serving bias may leave our egos intact, it doesn’t let us learn from the experience. But there is a way to counteract this ego-protecting instinct. It’s called self-affirmation, and it’s a simple theory developed by Claude Steele in the 1980s and studied extensively since. The theory states that by affirming your core values, you ameliorate the effects of temporary blows to the ego. This type of self-affirmation consists of recognizing and reminding yourself of the qualities that make you who you are and that are most important to you: your family, your capacity for kindness, your creativity, your faith.</p>



<p>“You’re affirming a deeper place than just your ego,” says Christine Carter, Ph.D., senior fellow at the University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and author of <a href="https://amzn.to/3Kwn3xk" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"><em>The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less</em></a>.</p>



<p><a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232611255_Preserving_Integrity_in_the_Face_of_Performance_Threat_Self-Affirmation_Enhances_Neurophysiological_Responsiveness_to_Errors" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">In a 2012 study</a> of the self-affirmation theory, Lisa Legault, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Clarkson University in Potsdam, New York, and her co-researchers asked graduate students to rank six principles. The values utilized in her study—theoretical (discovery of truth), economic (what is most useful), aesthetic (form, beauty and harmony), social (seeking love of people), political (power) and religious (unity)—were first identified by Allport et al. in their <em>Study of Values. </em>Half of the participants were then asked to write a short essay about their highest-ranked value and what it meant to them. The others were instructed to write why their highest-ranked value was not particularly important to them. All of the participants then took a simple performance test in which they were asked to push a button when they saw the letter M but not the letter W.</p>



<p>The students whose values were affirmed by writing about the value’s importance did better on the test and reacted to harsh error signals (Wrong!) with less stress. The participants who had been asked to undermine their values showed greater signs of neurological distress when they made mistakes, causing them to perform even worse.</p>



<p>Legault concluded that through self-affirmation, “people can anchor their sense of self in their broader view of the self as good, and there is less need to defend against the threat. Rather, they can focus on the demands of the situation, setting aside the need to protect their ego.”</p>



<p>A key to being coachable, then, is to drop your defensiveness simply by reminding yourself what really matters, Carter says. If you can’t accept bad news and advice, you can’t learn, change and grow. Whether it’s a professional matter (“You’re late with your work and need to manage your time better. Let me help you,” a co-worker might say), a relationship issue (“I need you to be more positive,” your spouse urges), or a matter of life and death (“You have diabetes and need to change your diet,” your doctor orders), open yourself to improvement by being true to your core values instead of your ego.</p>



<h2 id="h-2-be-compassionate-with-yourself">2. Be compassionate with yourself.&nbsp;</h2>



<p>In a study published by the <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology</em>, participants were asked to create a video introducing and describing themselves. They were told that someone would watch their tapes and assess how warm, friendly, intelligent, likable and mature they seemed. Half of the group received positive appraisals, and the others received neutral feedback, although all of the comments were completely fabricated and randomly assigned. Many in the group took the feedback, whether good or neutral, in stride and were willing to accept the comments on their personalities. But plenty of others were angered and upset by the neutral comments, rebelling against the idea that they might be simply average. They blamed the lackluster evaluations on the reviewers rather than their own personalities.</p>



<p>What made the difference between these two groups, one calmly accepting appraisal and one becoming defensive? The study participants had been evaluated on levels of self-compassion before the experiment, and the difference was clear: Those who scored high in self-compassion were not threatened by the feedback; they could accept and admit having flaws along with strengths—they were open. People low in self-compassion, however, lacked this <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/6-ways-to-build-emotional-resilience/">emotional resilience</a>.</p>



<p>So what is self-compassion exactly? It’s “gentleness with yourself,” Carter says. “We think that if we speak critically to ourselves, we will improve, but all the research shows with absolute certainty that self-criticism does not improve performance. It blocks your ability to learn from the situation and creates a stress response in which fight or flight are your only options. Personal growth is not on the menu when you are self-critical.”</p>



<p>Highly regarded researcher Kristin Neff, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at the University of Texas, Austin and author of several books, including <a href="https://amzn.to/3vex5x0" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"><em>Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself</em></a>, writes that with self-compassion, “we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” Self-compassion is not self-pity, she emphasizes, because self-pity disregards the connections with the world at large and the flaws and suffering common to all humankind.</p>



<p>Neff’s definition of self-compassion includes:</p>



<ul><li><strong>Self-kindness</strong> instead of self-judgment. Do you talk to yourself like a trusted friend, with a calm, forgiving voice? Or do you yell like a drill sergeant? If you are open to your shortcomings, then you are open to growth.</li><li><strong>Feelings of common humanity</strong> instead of isolation. Neff urges us to see our imperfections, struggles and suffering as part of the shared human condition so we can see our own weaknesses from a broad, forgiving place. Your flaws <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-ways-to-start-connecting-with-people/">connect you to all other humans</a>.</li><li><strong>Mindfulness</strong> instead of over-identification. Try to “hold [your] experience in balanced awareness,” Neff says, “rather than ignoring [your] pain or exaggerating it.” When you over-identify with certain feelings, you can get swept away by negativity or caught up in your ego.</li></ul>



<p>Take a moment every morning, Carter advises, to say a kind word to yourself; to recognize your connection to the pulsing, imperfect humanity around you; <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/5-ways-you-can-use-mindfulness/">and to practice mindfulness</a>, whether through meditation, yoga or doing the dishes Thich Nhat Hanh style. If you’re saying to yourself right now, <em>I am skeptical of this stuff because I am self-conscious and definitely don’t believe in aliens, but I’ll give it a try</em>, that’s OK: You’re on your way to self-compassion and coachability.</p>



<h2 id="h-3-try-new-stuff">3. Try new stuff.&nbsp;</h2>



<p>Once you’ve practiced self-affirmation and self-compassion, you can put your openness to use. One step: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/connecting-with-people/">Talk to strangers</a>. Studies show that the more social interactions we have with “weak-tie” relations—fellow commuters, baristas, store clerks, neighbors, familiar people in your office—the happier and more satisfied we feel with our day. Also check out art: Appreciating paintings and sculptures helps make you more observant. And take lessons: Learning—whether it’s guitar, a language, chess, computer programming or rock-climbing—builds and preserves cognitive function.</p>



<p>“Always be growing and challenging yourself and seeking new opportunities,” says Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, and author of <a href="https://amzn.to/3E2qFVK" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"><em>The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want</em></a>. “It’s what prevents us from getting too comfortable.”</p>



<p>And above all, ask for help to do these things. We humans need each other.&nbsp;</p>



<p style="font-size:12px"><em>This article was published in August 2015 and has been updated. Photo by </em><em>@alinabuzunova</em><em>/Twenty20</em></p>

[node:summary] - Try these powerful self-improvement techniques....Then embrace the advice and do the work.

Self-preservation is a strong survival instinct. When we are threatened, we puff up our chests and bare our teeth to defend our position. One great paradox of humanity is that our self-preservation requires adaptation. | SUCCESS

3 Tips to Open Your Heart, Mind and Life to Change | SUCCESS

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Parents are miserable. That’s what we’ve heard, right? The so-called “parental happiness gap” claims that while parents might give lip service to the “joys” of having kids, their childless peers are the ones really whooping it up. But new research shows that the gap—if it exists at all—might actually be in favor of moms and dads.

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<div id="_idContainer002">

In a recent meta-analysis of more than 100 parenting and well-being studies conducted by Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside and author of <em><a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0143114956/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=0143114956&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=sm0fe-20&amp;linkId=Z7VC2HGSB5KHRYHR">The How of Happiness</a></em>, certain types of parents were found to be very happy indeed. (Middle-aged, married fathers whose kids are out of infancy and toddlerhood were found to be the most satisfied.) And one study from Santa Clara University’s Leavey School of Business last year found that the happiness of non-parents is actually steadily declining, while parents’ overall happiness remains the same.

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&nbsp;
<h3 style="text-align: center;">Parenting naturally incorporates many of the central tenets of positive psychology, the study of how to increase our subjective well-being, including social connectedness, gratitude, play, a sense of life meaning and giving.</h3>
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It’s not a competition, of course, nor is it advice to anyone about whether or not to have kids. But we know that, globally, happiness levels are declining. While more and more of the population live prosperously, depression and mental illness are on the rise.
<blockquote><strong><em>Related: </em><a class="row-title" href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-secret-to-happiness-is-just-love/" aria-label="“The Secret to Happiness Is Just Love” (Edit)">The Secret to Happiness Is Just Love</a></strong></blockquote>
The latest studies regarding parenthood show that while having kids can certainly be difficult, doing so may offer some protection against what seems to be a shrinking sense of well-being (scientists use the term “subjective well-being” in place of happiness to signify overall life satisfaction as well as a temporary emotional state). Aside from the sleepless nights and college tuition bills, parenting naturally incorporates many of the central tenets of positive psychology, the study of how to increase our subjective well-being, including social connectedness, gratitude, play, a sense of life meaning and giving.

<img class="aligncenter wp-image-34317 size-large" title="5 Built In Joys of Parenthood 1" src="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/5-Built-In-Joys-of-Parenthood-1-1024x682.jpg" alt="5 Built In Joys of Parenthood" width="1024" height="682" />

But how can you remember that when you’re doing the grunt work of parenting—changing diapers, taming tantrums or confronting teenage angst? And how do you cultivate those protective factors of parenting if you don’t have kids?
<h2><strong>1. Get involved.</strong></h2>
Having strong social and familial relationships is the most influential factor in happiness, according to years of positive psychology research. The weakening of community in modern life is what researchers suspect is at the root of lowering levels of subjective well-being in the United States. But kids, besides being new family members themselves, open up their parents to a world of new social connections: teachers, baby sitters, other kids and their parents, and long-lost relatives (and strangers on the street!) who can’t resist a sweet baby cheek. When you have a child, you basically gain a ready-made community that you’d otherwise have to work harder to achieve.

John Ifcher, Ph.D., who is an economics professor at Santa Clara University, authored the previously mentioned 2014 study that found that non-parents’ happiness was steadily decreasing while parents’ happiness remained the same. He says the difference could be attributed to reduced social ties. “We find that while all [study] respondents’ social connectedness decreased, it decreased less for parents than non-parents.” So whether you have kids or not, make an effort to find—and stay active in—a community.
<ul>
 	<li><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-ways-to-make-your-relationships-the-best-they-can-be/"><strong>Make your relationships the best they can be with these 3 tips.</strong></a></li>
</ul>
<h2><strong>2. Play.</strong></h2>
You may dread being “it,” but playing—activities like tag in the yard and Marco Polo in the pool—is another gift that children bestow on parents. Besides being terrific exercise, which is another key component of health and happiness, play makes room in your life for wonder, imagination and curiosity. Playing takes you out of your head and provides a break from adult stresses such as bills, work deadlines and laundry. Play is one of those rare activities in which adults and kids can enter into “flow,” a mental state of complete and enjoyable absorption.
<ul>
 	<li><strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/7-ways-to-have-fun-without-spending-money/">Have some (free) fun with the people you love.</a></strong></li>
</ul>
<h2><strong>3. Share.</strong></h2>
“Sharing is caring,” we tell kids. But sharing is an important part of adult happiness, too. And it’s something that parents do every day. It’s no fun in the short term to sacrifice your morning run to feed the baby or drive a kid to the orthodontist. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/what-do-you-get-from-giving-3-things-actually">Giving to others</a> and practicing acts of kindness, however, are proven ways to increase well-being in the long run.

So while non-parents might have to seek out volunteer opportunities, parents have this happiness principle built in, says Katherine Nelson, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at Sewanee: The University of the South and director of its Happy Lab. “Parents are less focused on themselves, and that has been associated with greater well-being,” she says. (But don’t become overly consumed, she warns. Find the sweet spot where you are focused more on your kids than on yourself but where you are not “worrying or obsessing to an extreme  degree.”)
<ul>
 	<li><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/4-lessons-ive-learned-from-a-life-of-giving/"><strong>4 ways a life of giving can improve your existence.</strong></a></li>
</ul>
<h2><strong>4. Take the long view.</strong></h2>
When parents go through rough patches such as the terrible twos, others often comfort them by saying “it’s a phase” or “it will pass.” This conventional wisdom is supported by science. Older parents, whose children are more likely to be older themselves, are the happiest. While teenage years are arguably just as difficult as the diaper days, they’re not as all-encompassing for the parent. Teenagers go to high school, do activities and homework, and sometimes hole up in their rooms, and those actions give you breaks that parents of screaming, pre-walking, diaper-wearing children can only wish for. The gist: Don’t sweat the small stuff and remember that things will get better.
<ul>
 	<li><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-stop-sweating-the-small-stuff/"><strong>Let go of the small stuff.</strong></a></li>
</ul>
<h2><strong>5. Find meaning and purpose.</strong></h2>
Many adults struggle with “what it all means.” What is our purpose here? How can we contribute to the world? What drives us? Having kids provides an easy answer. We are here to guide and love our children through life. Going to work takes on new meaning when we know we are working for their food, schooling and experiences. This sense of meaning and purpose is great for parents because, without it, happiness and life satisfaction can flounder.

But kids are not the only way to find deep meaning. Whether yours is faith, art, surfing, or making the world a better place in big or small ways, nurture and remind yourself of that purpose and meaning regularly. And parents, thank your kids—even if they’re using your smartphone as a coaster—for all the happiness they unwittingly bring to your life.
<ul>
 	<li><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/what-is-my-purpose-in-life/"><strong>Here's the ultimate guide to finding your purpose.</strong></a></li>
</ul>
</div>
&nbsp;

<em>Editor’s note: This post was originally published in September 2015 and has been updated for freshness, accuracy and comprehensiveness.</em>

All the ways being a parent can bring happiness into your life and protect your emotional well-being.

While parenthood can be difficult, kids can boost your well-being.

5 Built-In Joys of Parenthood

5 Built-In Joys of Parenthood | SUCCESS

https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/5-Built-In-Joys-of-Parenthood.jpg

While parenthood can be difficult, kids can boost your well-being. | SUCCESS

<h2>The Sincere Apology</h2>
A genuine apology is a remarkable thing. You know an apology is solid when it:
<h4>1. Explains why the act was wrong</h4>
The recipient will probably already know, but it’s nice to know the apologizer knows, too.
<h4>2. Says the words “I’m sorry.”</h4>
Surprisingly, it’s easy to leave out the two most important words.
<h4>3. Takes ownership.</h4>
The last thing they want to hear is an excuse.
<h4>4. Doesn’t burden the recipient.</h4>
A good apology requires nothing in return. It is a debt paid.
<blockquote><strong><em>Related:</em></strong> <strong><a class="row-title" href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-apology-tour/" aria-label="“The Apology Tour” (Edit)">The Apology Tour</a></strong></blockquote>
<h2>The Disingenuous Apology</h2>
A bad apology only makes things worse. You know you’re giving or receiving a bad apology when it:
<h4>1. Sounds like an exercise in guilt-reduction.</h4>
Maybe you’ve grown as a person since you committed the act you’re apologizing for, but that has nothing to do with the apology.
<h4>2. Justifies the act.</h4>
If you could truly justify what you did, then you’d have nothing to apologize for.
<h4>3. Tries to be funny.</h4>
Maybe joke around before you get into the apology, or when wrapping up the conversation if it went well, but not during. The shift in tone is a sign of sincerity.
<h4>4. Assumes forgiveness is inevitable.</h4>
A real apology comes with the understanding that they have no obligation to forgive you.
<blockquote><strong><em>Related:</em></strong> <strong><a class="row-title" href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-real-strategies-for-strengthening-a-relationship/" aria-label="“3 Real Strategies for Strengthening a Relationship” (Edit)">3 Real Strategies for Strengthening a Relationship</a></strong></blockquote>
&nbsp;

<em>This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.success.com/shop-all/success-magazine-fall-2018-jeff-bezos.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Fall 2018 issue of SUCCESS magazine</a>.</em>

We all make mistakes, and when we do, we have to give a sincere apology. Here are 4 ways to nail it—and 4 ways to wreck it.

And 4 elements of a disingenuous one | SUCCESS

8 Elements of Good and Bad Apologies

8 Elements of Good and Bad Apologies | SUCCESS

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3 Valuable Strategies for Practicing Self-Respect

<p>In 1961, author Joan Didion, then a 26-year-old <em>Vogue</em> editor, penned a seminal essay for the magazine titled, “Self-Respect: Its Source, Its Power.” In it she wrote, “To live without self-respect is to lie awake some night, beyond the reach of warm milk, phenobarbital and the sleeping hand on the coverlet, counting up the sins of commission and omission, the trusts betrayed, the promises subtly broken, the gifts irrevocably wasted through sloth or cowardice or carelessness.”</p>
<p>Full disclosure: We gave a passing thought to the idea of just reprinting Didion’s essay. How can we write on a topic for which the last word was said more than half a century ago?</p>
<p>Of course, that doubt itself doesn’t display much self-respect. But falling short of Didion’s prose doesn’t make our magazine any less valued. And knowing that is healthy in and of itself.</p>
<p>Accepting one’s failings, rather than being tortured by them, is a self-respect starting point. Appreciating your intrinsic value is “a discipline, a habit of mind that can never be faked but can be developed, trained, coaxed forth,” Didion wrote.</p>
<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:&nbsp;</em><strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/self-respect-starts-with-self-care">Self-Respect Starts With Self-Care</a></strong></p>
<p>Here are some additional strategies to get you started on the path to self-respect.</p>
<h3><strong>1. You are a good person! </strong></h3>
<p>That statement, or whatever best suits you, is what you should tell yourself in the mirror every day. You might feel silly doing so, but the effect of positive self-talk is far from foolish. One 2015 study of 2,400 adolescents (who are no doubt in peak esteem-precarious years) found that self-compassion offsets the negative effects of low self-esteem, which include, according to other studies, depression and anxiety. Self-compassion, the study’s researchers wrote, “involves accepting self-doubt, negative self-evaluations and adversity as part of the human condition,” as well as simply being kind to yourself.</p>
<p>Remind yourself of your strengths daily. You’re a good parent. Or maybe you tell the best stories. So what if you’re awkward in social situations or not as talented of a cook as you’d like to be? No one is perfect, and it’s our imperfections—and self-improvement journeys—that make us so fascinating.</p>
<h3><strong>2. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t agree. </strong></h3>
<p>“The dismal fact is that self-respect has nothing to do with the approval of others,” Didion wrote. Research has borne out her conclusion. A sense of self-worth built by and dependent upon the opinions of other people—conditional self-esteem—is a house of cards, liable to collapse at any moment.</p>
<p><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/why-social-media-is-ruining-your-self-esteem-and-how-to-stop-it">Social media has made conditional self-esteem an even bigger trap</a> than when Didion was a young woman. A 2014 study from the University of Houston found that the more time people spend on Facebook, the more depressive symptoms they have. Why? The social comparisons these platforms rely upon—Who takes the most vacations? Whose kids are the most successful?—cause us to focus on our conditional, rather than our actual self-worth.</p>
<h3><strong>3. Identify your core values. </strong></h3>
<p>Limiting comparisons (to famous authors or otherwise) doesn’t solve the root problem of conditional self-worth, though. Valuing yourself for who you are—and not who you think you should be—is not easy. It helps to find a therapist who can help you work through your own self-confidence roadblocks. But one way to start is by figuring out what you truly value. Self-esteem comes when you’re living a life that’s aligned with your values.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:&nbsp;</em><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/gabby-bernstein-shows-you-how-to-love-yourself-first"><strong>Gabby Bernstein Shows You How to Love Yourself First </strong></a></p>


<p class="has-small-font-size"><em>Photo by Korawat photo shoot/Shutterstock.com</em></p>

You should go and love yourself.&nbsp; | SUCCESS

3 Valuable Strategies for Practicing Self-Respect | SUCCESS

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<p class="BODY">When I go for runs, I often create a macabre scenario in my head: An evil clan has kidnapped my children and threatens to kill them if I stop running. Absurdity aside, this masochistic fantasy gets me through my jogs more easily than when I think about, say, my cardiovascular health.</p>
<p class="BODY">It turns out my <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/the-5-best-ways-to-motivate-yourself">self-motivation trick</a>, sick and silly as it is, plays on a basic human truth: We perform better, and are happier, when we assign our actions with a purpose that is beyond ourselves. Take hospital custodians. They have a fairly thankless job, mopping up bodily fluids, disposing of sharp objects and getting out of the way of doctors and patients while still finishing their duties. Most of them are understandably disdainful of their work. But some, according to research done by Amy Wrzesniewski and colleagues, found their jobs to be deeply satisfying. What was the difference? The satisfied janitors imbued their daily tasks with <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/if-youre-searching-for-purpose-ask-yourself-these-5-questions">a higher purpose</a>. By keeping the hospital clean, they believed, they were preventing the spread of germs and creating a pleasant environment, thereby protecting the patients’ physical and mental health. They considered themselves a vital part of a greater whole. And that made them better at their jobs and happier with their lives.</p>

<blockquote>
<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related: </em><strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/john-addison-how-to-find-your-why-in-life">How to Find Your 'Why' in Life</a></strong></p>
</blockquote>
<p class="BODY">It’s a simple lesson, but most of us fail to find a larger purpose in what we do on a daily basis. We become mired in what we consider the selfish preoccupations of our petty world. We long for more but have trouble finding a way to get there.</p>
<p class="BODY">How can you elevate yourself and others to achieve a level of self-transcendence?</p>

<h2 class="BODY">Reconsider your purpose.</h2>
<p class="BODY">As the hospital custodians did, it’s important to link your work or even your recreational activities to a higher purpose. Think about how your work impacts other people. If you’re a financial adviser, for example, you help people realize their dreams of starting a family or owning a home. If you’re in human resources, you offer security and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/how-to-find-peace-of-mind-in-4-simple-steps">peace of mind</a> to employees and their loved ones. Hair stylists, cab drivers, landscapers, chefs and servers bring joy, comfort and ease to the lives of many.</p>

<h2 class="BODY">Appeal to people’s innate desire to do the right thing.</h2>
<p class="BODY">One study conducted by economic behaviorists Dan Ariely and James Heyman found people are less likely to help move a couch when they are offered money than if the favor is positioned as just that: a favor. Why? People want to feel that they do certain things <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-6-essential-traits-of-good-character">because they are good people</a>, not because they’re being compensated to do so.</p>

<h2 class="BODY">Help yourself first.</h2>
<p class="BODY">The late psychologist Abraham Maslow amended his famous<em> <a href="https://www.verywell.com/what-is-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs-4136760" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Hierarchy of Needs</a></em> late in his life to add self-transcendence at the top, over the previous pinnacle of self-actualization, or <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/4-changes-you-can-make-to-reach-your-full-potential">achieving one’s full potential</a>. Just as self-actualization is dependent on the fulfillment of the base layers of the pyramid—needs like food and warmth, safety, and love and belonging—so does self-transcendence depend on self-actualization.</p>
In other words, put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Self-transcendence is not blind devotion to others; rather, it is built on a solid understanding of the self in all its strengths and weaknesses.
<blockquote>
<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/5-steps-to-personal-greatness">5 Steps to Personal Greatness</a></strong></p>
</blockquote>
<p class="rteindent1"></p>
This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/by-media/success-magazine-november-2017-scooter-braun.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">November 2017 issue of <em>SUCCESS</em> magazine</a>.
<em><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo by @leggybird via Twenty20</span></em>

Leverage the power of self-transcendence.

Leverage the power of self-transcendence. | SUCCESS

3 Keys to Finding Purpose Every Day

3 Keys to Finding Purpose Every Day | SUCCESS

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Perfectionism isn’t a cute Martha Stewart craft. “You’re such a perfectionist,” we say to the party host who places a lime wedge on the rim of everyone’s expertly chilled glass. But the truth is, the perfectionists wouldn’t make it to the party at all. They’d be too afraid no one would show up, that their music playlist wasn’t hip enough or that their soufflé was too flat.
<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related: </em><strong> <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/9-reasons-perfectionism-is-a-bad-thing">9 Reasons Perfectionism Is a Bad Thing</a></strong></p>
<p class="BODY">Contrary to popular belief, perfectionists aren’t always winning marathons, heading the PTA and pitching new businesses. More often, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/5-steps-to-finally-stop-procrastinating">they’re procrastinating</a>—avoiding going after their goals in fear of failure, says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., author of <a href="https://amzn.to/3NPBUqG" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>Better Than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush Your Inner Critic and Create a Life You Love</em></a>.</p>
<p class="BODY">Squashing that fear of failure opens up a life where you can enjoy striving for goals, no matter what they are, how long they take, or even whether you achieve them. Here’s how.</p>

<h3 class="BODY"><img class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__37609 img__view_mode__full" style="width: 30%; float: left;" src="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/legacy/sites/default/files/everythingsperfect_3.jpg" alt="3 Ways to Manage Your Perfectionism Tendencies" /><strong>1. Use the scientific method.</strong></h3>
<p class="BODY">In her book, Lombardo recalls her days in high school chemistry. When their experiment findings weren’t consistent with their predictions, she and her lab mates didn’t consider the whole thing a failure. They were taught to ask how they got the result by asking questions: Did we follow the steps correctly? What ingredients resulted in this outcome? This scientific approach serves perfectionists—who blame themselves or others when things go wrong—well, Lombardo says.</p>
<p class="BODY"><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/i-spent-30-days-practicing-self-kindness-heres-what-i-learned">Instead of beating yourself up</a> when something doesn’t go as you planned, treat the incidents as sources of information. Skip the guilt, self-blame and shame, and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/23-questions-to-ask-yourself-when-youre-stressed-out">ask yourself the questions</a> you might ask your high school science project. Collect the data and see what adjustments need to be made.</p>
<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related: </em><strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-perfectionism-hurts-you">How Perfectionism Hurts You</a></strong></p>

<h3 class="BODY"><img class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__37610 img__view_mode__full" style="width: 30%; float: left;" src="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/legacy/sites/default/files/everythingsperfect_2.jpg" alt="3 Ways to Manage Your Perfectionism Tendencies" /><strong>2. Say no to extremes.</strong></h3>
<p class="BODY">Perfectionism feeds on absolute, all-or-nothing thinking. Rather than cutting back on desserts, for example, perfectionists will say, “I’m giving up all sugar!” Then when they inevitably eat a cookie, they feel like total failures. They berate themselves for having no willpower and give up on their goals entirely. It’s a vicious cycle that can end by eliminating extremes, Lombardo says. Avoid hard-and-fast, impossible rules for yourself. Instead think, <em>I’ll try to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/craving-sugar-try-these-substitutes-instead">cut back on sweets</a>.</em></p>

<h3 class="BODY"><img class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__37611 img__view_mode__full" style="width: 30%; float: left;" src="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/legacy/sites/default/files/everythingsperfect_1.jpg" alt="3 Ways to Manage Your Perfectionism Tendencies" /><strong>3. Slow down on social media.</strong></h3>
<p class="BODY">“Perfectionists’ sense of self-worth is conditional,” Lombardo says. “They consider themselves OK if they are at a certain weight, if they make a certain amount of money, if their home is nice enough… and on and on.”</p>
<p class="BODY">Because perfectionists base their self-worth on outside measures, they’re especially <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/how-to-stop-comparing-yourself-to-others">susceptible to comparisons</a>. They will internalize the successes of their friends—promotions, vacations or kids’ college acceptances—as failures for themselves. Turning to Facebook and Instagram fuels these thoughts.</p>
<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/5-ways-to-avoid-social-media-envy">But don’t swear off social media entirely.</a> That would be extreme. If you can cut back, great. But more important is simply remembering that what you see there does not reflect real life in all of its facets. Everyone has struggles, no matter how many trips to Tahiti they take.
<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/why-social-media-is-ruining-your-self-esteem-and-how-to-stop-it">Why Social Media Is Ruining Your Self-Esteem—and How to Stop It</a></strong></p>
<p class="rteindent1"></p>
This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/by-media/magazines/success-magazine-september-2017-elon-musk.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">September 2017 issue of <em>SUCCESS</em> magazine</a>.

Contrary to popular belief, perfectionists aren’t always winning marathons, heading the PTA and pitching new businesses.

Contrary to popular belief, perfectionists aren’t always winning marathons, heading the PTA and pitching new businesses. | SUCCESS

3 Ways to Manage Your Perfectionist Tendencies

3 Ways to Manage Your Perfectionist Tendencies | SUCCESS

https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/legacy/sites/default/files/main/articles/everythingsperfect_0.jpg

<span class="COLUMN-BIO_NAME COLUMN--INTRO-PARA">When you’re</span> naturally a glass-half-empty kind of person, hearing slogans like “Think positive!” can make you feel like you’re an occasional jogger being told to run a marathon… tomorrow. Before you can implement positivity strategies—and reap their benefits of improved health, better relationships and more happiness—<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/john-addison-4-ways-to-say-no-to-negativity">you have to start by decreasing negativity</a>.
<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/13-optimistic-quotes-to-stop-being-so-negative">13 Optimistic Quotes to Stop Being So Negative</a></strong></p>
<p class="BODY">We collected the best negativity reduction tips from psychologists, coaches and authors to help you identify your look-on-the-gray-side habits and begin to chip away at them. There’s a shiny bright side waiting for you!</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>1. Set reasonable goals.</strong></h2>
<p class="BODY">“A lot of people who see the negative side of things also tend to put themselves down because they set huge, intimidating goals that are difficult to attain,” says Lavinia Lumezanu, a marketing executive and leadership trainer. So instead of saying, “I’m going to write a book this year!” start with a goal of signing up for a writers’ class or completing three pages instead. The satisfaction in reaching these smaller goals will motivate you to reach the next one.</p>

<ul>
 	<li class="BODY"><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/master-the-art-of-setting-goals-in-4-steps">Here's how to set the right kind of goals.</a></li>
</ul>
<h2 class="BODY"><strong>2. Turn “problems” into “challenges.</strong>”</h2>
<p class="BODY">Words are very powerful, says Kristi Ling, author of <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22737665-empower-your-day---how-to-create-more-happiness-energy-and-success-thro"><em>Empower Your Day: Keys to Creating More Happiness, Energy and Success Through Positive Mornings</em>.</a> “Try creating a list of negative words or phrases that you use often and replace them with ones that are a bit more positive.” If you regularly complain of problems, for example, start referring to them as challenges instead. Eliminate the phrase “I should…” from your self-talk, too, and replace it with “I could choose to…,” says licensed mental health counselor Carol Patterson, a therapist in Vancouver, Wash. “Should” carries obligation, dread and resentment. “Choose” puts you in the driver’s seat, as in “I could choose to do this laundry now so that I can relax tonight.” While it may seem like simple semantics, the words you use every day in your self-talk can have a real effect on your attitude.</p>

<ul>
 	<li class="BODY"><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/7-practical-tips-to-achieve-a-positive-mindset">Adopt a positive mindset with these 7 tips.</a></li>
</ul>
<h2 class="BODY"><strong>3. Reset your default answer. </strong></h2>
<p class="BODY">People who are naturally negative tend to use no as their first response to new ideas and experiences, says Lynette Louise, a neurofeedback therapist. “In part, they do this to buy time while actually <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/11-genius-tips-to-be-more-decisive" target="_blank" rel="noopener">making a decision</a>, but then they end up defending the ‘no’ choice and sticking to it, even at times when they might not have.” Default instead to “I’m not sure; give me a minute,” she suggests. Then try to find a good reason to say yes before you say no.</p>

<ul>
 	<li class="BODY"><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/say-this-not-that-7-responses-for-common-negative-thoughts">Conquer your negative thoughts before they get out.</a></li>
</ul>
<h2 class="BODY"><strong>4. Display that award.</strong></h2>
<p class="BODY">“It can be important to have physical reminders of positivity in one’s environment,” says Frank Addonizio, Ph.D., vice president of Global Clinical Counseling Services for Workplace Options, an employee work-life services company in Raleigh, N.C. What works: anything that reminds you of past achievements (awards, published writing, a business card), satisfying relationships (photos, artwork by your kids) or positive personal attributes (maybe a gift or letter from an appreciative client or boss that details some of your talents). It’s hard to get down on yourself in the face of real proof of your abilities and full life.</p>

<ul>
 	<li class="BODY"><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/10-clever-tricks-to-trigger-positive-emotions">Here's how to feel better.</a></li>
</ul>
<h2 class="BODY"><strong>5. Put your hands up! </strong></h2>
<p class="BODY">Historically, humans and other animals have expressed power through large, open postures. Think of a peacock fanning his tail or a negotiator standing and straightening up while her opponent sits. Powerlessness is <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/3-ways-to-build-trust-with-your-body-language">conveyed through body language</a>, too; think of frightened children curled in the fetal position, or a shy person with slouched shoulders and downcast eyes. Standing up tall and spreading your arms might make you look bigger and more powerful, but can it actually <em>convey</em> power?</p>
<p class="BODY">In 2012 researchers from Harvard asked study participants to hold either one of two “power poses” (one was leaning back in a chair with hands behind head, elbows out and legs raised on a table in front) or a low-power pose (standing with arms hugging chest and ankles crossed) for one minute each. Before-and-after heart rate and blood tests showed that those who held the high-power pose increased their levels of testosterone (a hormone involved with feelings and expressions of confidence and dominance) and lowered their levels of cortisol (a stress hormone). In interviews, they revealed feeling more powerful and open to risk. Low-power posers had the opposite results.</p>
<p class="BODY">So the next time you need a <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/use-these-7-tips-to-boost-your-confidence">confidence boost</a>, strike a pose. Dana Santas, the yoga trainer for the Philadelphia Phillies, the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Tampa Bay Lightning, instructs athletes to hold the “Mountain Pose with Arms Up” when they lose that eye of the tiger. It’s super-simple: Stand with your feet hip-distance apart. Inhale and raise your arms overhead at shoulder width. Close your eyes and take 10 long, deep breaths. On your last exhalation, draw your palms down and together in the middle of your chest and turn the corners of your mouth up in a smile. Take two or three more deep breaths, exhaling through your nose.</p>

<ul>
 	<li class="BODY"><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/practice-confident-body-language-with-power-posing">Change your mood by changing your body language.</a></li>
</ul>
<h2 class="BODY"><strong>6. Be a critical thinker, not a critical person.</strong></h2>
<p class="BODY">“I have a client who struggled with <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/7-breakthrough-steps-to-shed-negative-habits">always seeing the negative</a> in everything,” says Elaine Taylor-Klaus, a life coach. “We figured out her brain was just wired as a critical thinker. She approaches everything critically, and that can be a good thing. She just had to work on reminding herself that an opportunity for improvement is not a criticism. Something can be not the way she imagined it and not be wrong.” If you’re a critical, analytical thinker, Taylor-Klaus says, recognize that you are likely to have the critical thought first, but practice redirecting those thoughts by asking yourself, <em>What else is also true about this situation/dilemma/person?</em></p>

<ul>
 	<li class="BODY"><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/think-slow-and-other-tricks-for-better-problem-solving">Here's the secret to solving more problems.</a></li>
</ul>
<h2 class="BODY"><strong>7. Wake up on the right side of the bed.</strong></h2>
<p class="BODY">When you first wake up, it’s easy to start thinking about all the stuff you have to get done that day or complain about how the kids kept you up all night. Instead of letting your head go to those negative places, Shawn Anderson, author of <em><a href="https://amzn.to/2uWBapN" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Extra Mile America: Stories of Inspiration, Possibility and Purpose</a></em>, suggests asking yourself three “morning questions”: 1) <em>What am I excited about doing today?</em> 2) <em>Who can I encourage or serve today?</em> (Get the focus off yourself.) 3) <em>What am I grateful for?</em> Thinking about all that you have and are excited about can change your outlook and attitude for the whole day.</p>

<ul>
 	<li class="BODY"><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/9-things-successful-people-never-do-in-the-morning">Start your day the right way with these 9 tips.</a></li>
</ul>
<h2 class="BODY"><strong>8. Detox from bad news.</strong></h2>
<p class="BODY">We’re not suggesting that you live in a hole or pretend that strife and tragedy don’t exist, but until you can build up some immunity (through these tips <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/4-ways-to-stay-informed-without-feeling-down">and other strategies you’ll find at SUCCESS.com</a>) to the negativity that the evening news can deliver, take a break from it, suggests Colene Elridge, a life coach in Lexington, Ky. If it’s Facebook that’s getting you down (<em>Why does everyone else look so darn happy? Why is everyone posting articles I don’t agree with?</em>), suspend your account. Resist the urge to read the terrible details of the latest crash or kidnapping.</p>

<ul>
 	<li class="BODY"><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/what-happened-when-i-avoided-the-news-for-30-days">How long can you ignore bad news?</a></li>
</ul>
<h2><strong>9. Drop your distortions.</strong></h2>
There are negative things in the world. Some “sky-is-gray” people are skeptical of focusing on the positive in fear of being “delusional” and not seeing those very real negatives, says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., author of <em><a href="https://amzn.to/2uWBapN" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness</a></em>. But we all have cognitive thinking distortions that can alter our perceptions of reality, she says, perhaps causing the negatives to appear fun-house-mirror large.

A few common distortions include mindreading, when you assume you know what others think (someone asks you to lunch, for example, and you assume it’s because he feels bad for you); fortunetelling, when you predict the future negatively and then react as if that prediction is imminent (you assume an upcoming company meeting means you’re being let go and begin bad-mouthing your boss and ignoring work); or dichotomous thinking, in which everything is all or nothing (<em>Everyone thinks I am a loser or no one can be trusted</em>). Recognize what your distortions are and see whether you can view circumstances through a clearer, more helpful lens.
<ul>
 	<li><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/ask-these-questions-to-reframe-your-perspective-on-life">Change your perspective on life to see things as they really are.</a></li>
</ul>
<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/what-happened-when-i-didnt-complain-for-30-days">What Happened When I Didn’t Complain for 30 Days</a></strong></p>


<em>Editor’s note: This post was originally published in September 2014 and has been updated for freshness, accuracy and comprehensiveness. </em>

Use proven techniques for seeing the bright side—for a powerful effect on your psyche.

Use proven techniques for seeing the bright side—for a powerful effect on your psyche. | SUCCESS

9 Ways to Say No to Negativity

9 Ways to Say No to Negativity | SUCCESS

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<p class="BODY">Certain attributes—such as <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/top-of-mind-6-ways-having-grit-improves-your-life">grit</a>, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/15-thoughtful-quotes-about-gratitude">gratitude</a> and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-7-traits-of-the-most-resilient-people">resilience</a>—have risen out of positive psychology research as traits to cultivate for maximum well-being. We imagine them as singular qualities to be worked on one at a time and added to our personal stockpile of weapons against negativity. But of course, all of these characteristics work together. Focus on awe, and you’re very likely to become more grateful. Strengthen your self-compassion, and your resilience is bound to increase, too.</p>

<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/8-traits-you-need-to-be-successful-your-iq-isnt-one-of-them">8 Traits You Need to Be Successful (Your IQ Isn't One of Them)</a></strong></p>
</div>

<p class="BODY">One virtue can serve as a gateway to the others: patience. As a stand-alone positive psychology buzzword, it’s not as beefy as gratitude and resilience. Studies haven’t borne out the connection between patience and well-being as strongly as they have with curiosity and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/6-ways-to-tap-into-your-creative-self">creativity</a>. But patience is so tightly knit into the fabric of these other qualities that it’s hard to tell whether it’s the cause or effect, says Bernard Golden, Ph.D., a psychologist in Chicago and author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Destructive-Anger-Strategies-That/dp/1421419734/ref=as_li_ss_tl?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=1495554817&amp;sr=8-1&amp;linkCode=ll1&amp;tag=sm0fe-20&amp;linkId=f3d50b2d7555c8f82a07af5c81c24cee" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>Overcoming Destructive Anger</em></a> and <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Unlock-Creative-Genius-Bernard-Golden/dp/1591024560/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1495554871&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Unlock+Your+Creative+Genius&amp;linkCode=ll1&amp;tag=sm0fe-20&amp;linkId=2ce126f190f051dc7418c1dccd5d04de" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>Unlock Your Creative Genius</em></a>.</p>

<p class="BODY">As a positivity portal, patience is ideal. Patience-building strategies can feel more accessible than those for the more erudite and elusive awe, for example. If you can count your breaths, you can work on your patience. Plus, practicing patience has an immediate, in-the-moment payoff. You can curtail anger, lower stress, and avoid and resolve conflicts.</p>

<p class="BODY">One of the keys is to slow your temper. “Quick-tempered people assume that they are hardwired to be that way,” says Daniel H. Gallagher, Ph.D., a psychologist in Maplewood, New Jersey. But that’s not true. “Research has shown us that calming exercises such as deep breathing can change one’s physiological response to a situation and allow clearer thinking,” he says. Your brain can better engage its executive functioning areas—and come up with sensible solutions—when it isn’t clouded by the anger and anxiety that impatience breeds. So don’t hide behind being a “hot-blooded” person. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/10-ways-successful-people-stay-calm">You can cool down</a> with the tips below.</p>

<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-control-your-anger">How to Control Your Anger</a></strong></p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>1. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/it-only-takes-5-minutes-a-day-to-keep-your-brain-healthy">Breathe. </a></strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">If you feel yourself getting impatient, take three or four slow, deep breaths, suggests Golden. Exhale for twice as long as you inhale.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>2. Contract and relax.</strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">Progressive relaxation exercises—in which you systematically tense and then release one muscle group at a time—can <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-successful-people-beat-stress">stop your stress response</a> before it takes over your entire body. Waiting in an infuriatingly long line? Tense your toes for five seconds, then your calves, and so on all the way up to your forehead.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>3. Manage your expectations.</strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">Recognize when your emotional brain is influencing your expectations of a situation in the form of hopes and wishes, says Golden. “You may know that traffic is congested during rush hour, yet you still expect the roads to be clear,” leading to massive irritation, he says. Allow extra time for your commute, and you will feel calmer.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>4.&nbsp;<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/meditation-your-way">Practice meditation and mindfulness.</a></strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">A few minutes of meditation a day can reboot your brain and improve your outlook. Don’t know how to meditate? Download an app that guides you through the process. We love <a href="https://www.calm.com/mindfulness-tips" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Calm</a>, <a href="https://www.headspace.com/how-it-works" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Headspace</a> and <a href="https://buddhify.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Bhuddify</a>.</p>

<h2><strong>5. Make a connection.</strong></h2>

<p>Are you in the serpentine security line at the airport and feeling yourself getting increasingly annoyed? Make a joke about it with the person in front of you. Getting out of your own head and sharing the experience with someone else always diminishes frustration. And social interactions allow you to recognize others as fellow humans rather than obstacles in your way.</p>

<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-make-mindfulness-part-of-your-daily-routine">How to Make Mindfulness Part of Your Daily Routine</a></strong></p>

<p class="rteindent1">&nbsp;</p>

<p>This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/by-media/success-magazine-june-2017-dave-ramsey.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">June 2017 issue of <em>SUCCESS</em> magazine</a>.</p>


Patience is a skill. Hone your craft with these tips.

Patience is a skill. Hone your craft with these tips. | SUCCESS

5 Ways to Be the Patient Person You Never Thought You Could Be

5 Ways to Be the Patient Person You Never Thought You Could Be | SUCCESS

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<p class="BODY">You can’t talk about vulnerability without first covering shame. We tend to think shame comes into play only when we do something morally reprehensible or criminal. But shame is much more inclusive and pervasive than that. Shame is a small word that crystallizes our most primal worries about being worthy. It encompasses <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/5-simples-strategies-for-conquering-self-doubt">self-doubt</a>, insecurity, fear and anxiety. It’s no surprise psychologists call it the “master emotion” of everyday life, guiding our every action.</p>
</div>

<p class="BODY">No one wants to feel shame. It’s a downright sick-to-your-stomach, yucky emotion. Most humans wear armor—<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/9-reasons-perfectionism-is-a-bad-thing">think perfectionism</a> or sarcasm—to shield against shame. When shame penetrates, we try to escape it with other distractions: our smartphones, drinking, video games, exercise, shopping. To do otherwise would leave us vulnerable, or “capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt.”</p>

<p class="BODY">No one knows this process better than Brené Brown, author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1489083474&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Daring+Greatly:+How+the+Courage+to+Be+Vulnerable+Transforms+the+Way+We+Live,+Love,+Parent,+and+Lead&amp;linkCode=ll1&amp;tag=sm0fe-20&amp;linkId=df104d524b394290f3f9a020aeef39ee" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead</em></a> and a researcher who has studied vulnerability for more than a decade. The problem with protecting and distracting ourselves from shame, she says, is that in doing so we protect and distract ourselves from the good emotions, too. “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy,” Brown says.</p>

<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/tedx-talks-the-power-of-vulnerability"><strong>TEDx Talks: ‘The Power of Vulnerability’</strong></a></p>

<p class="BODY">Just as you can’t lose weight in one part of your body, you can’t selectively numb one emotion, Brown says. When you’re feeling stressed, you’re not just suppressing anxiety, you’re sealing yourself off from wonder and gratitude, too. It can be difficult to be vulnerable in a world where toughness is exalted, but the only way to have a fulfilling emotional life, according to Brown, is to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Brown says people who embrace their vulnerability—she calls them “wholehearted”—are more compassionate, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/17-things-every-strong-relationship-has-in-common">have better relationships</a> and are happier. Here’s how to start opening up.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>1. Recognize your vulnerabilities.</strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">Start by looking at what makes you feel angry, sad, self-conscious or annoyed, and find the common thread between these experiences. Once you identify these fears, you can start to counter them.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>2. Know that humans are wired to feel shame.</strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">“The only people who don’t experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection,” Brown said <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/tedx-talks-the-power-of-vulnerability">in her popular TED Talk on vulnerability</a>. The feeling of not being enough is a universal, shared experience. Simply being aware of this can help you feel more comfortable letting your own guard down and engaging in authentic connection with others.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>3. Identify your avoidance tactics.</strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">People escape or numb their shame in different ways. Sometimes these avoidance tactics can become unhealthy daily habits or even dangerous addictions. The next time you are tempted toward one of <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-break-your-harmful-habits">your bad habits</a>, wait five minutes. Think through what is going on and what you’re feeling during that time.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>4. Find a safe spot. </strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">“Being vulnerable actually takes more courage and inner strength than people realize,” says Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., a psychologist in Los Angeles. Which is why you probably don’t want to start your vulnerability journey on a first date. You want to know your feelings will be protected and cared for by the person with whom you share them, such as your parent, spouse or friend.</p>

<h2><strong>5. Take small risks. </strong></h2>

<p>“Vulnerability is ultimately a willingness to take a risk,” says Paul Coleman, Psy.D., a psychologist in Wappingers Falls, New York, and author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Peace-Heart-Pieces-Step/dp/1440573387/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1489083797&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Finding+Peace+When+Your+Heart+Is+in+Pieces.&amp;linkCode=ll1&amp;tag=sm0fe-20&amp;linkId=c649f0c674f6acd77fae6226ab56d88b" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>Finding Peace When Your Heart Is in Pieces.</em></a> “Playing it safe will never be fulfilling.” Start with small risks, such as asking a co-worker for help with a project or trying a new class at your gym. The smaller risks build confidence for the larger ones.</p>

<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related: </em><strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/podcast/ep-46-face-your-demons">Face Your Demons</a></strong></p>

<p>&nbsp;</p>

<p>This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/by-media/success-magazine-april-2017-jocko-willink.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">April 2017 issue of <em>SUCCESS</em> magazine</a>.</p>


It can be difficult to be vulnerable in a world where toughness is exalted.

It can be difficult to be vulnerable in a world where toughness is exalted. | SUCCESS

5 Ways Being Vulnerable Can Make You Happier

5 Ways Being Vulnerable Can Make You Happier | SUCCESS

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Success Archives

Success | SUCCESS | What Achievers Read

<p class="BODY">“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance,” Oscar Wilde said. It might be the beginning of <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/the-key-to-your-overall-happiness-is-simple">lifelong happiness</a>, too. Studies from pioneers in positive psychology, including Edward Diener, Ph.D., and Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., have found a strong link between confidence and happiness. Even globally, in collectivist countries that value group identity over individual ones, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/the-business-of-self-esteem">healthy self-esteem</a> has been found to be a major predictor of life satisfaction. But the quality-over-quantity adage stands when it comes to self-esteem. Give your well-being a boost by asking yourself these three questions to determine the quality of your confidence.</p>
<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-gain-confidence-and-become-the-greatest">How to Gain Confidence and Become the Greatest</a></strong></p>

<h3 class="Subhead---Sofia-Med-12">Does your confidence have conditions?</h3>
<p class="BODY">If your sense of self-worth relies on your relationship status, job, income or weight, your confidence is conditional, says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=as_li_ss_tl?url=search-alias=aps&amp;field-keywords=A+Happy+You:+Your+Ultimate+Prescription+for+Happiness&amp;linkCode=ll2&amp;tag=sm0fe-20&amp;linkId=0c51fafd090084964da11463b0fa3323" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"><em>A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness</em></a>. Conditional confidence works well when those conditions are met (you got the promotion or you fit into your skinny jeans), but when your situation changes, so does your self-esteem and emotional well-being. What happens if you gain a few pounds or you’re let go from a job? You’re back at square one without the self-love to help you bounce back.</p>
<p class="BODY">Work on building unconditional self-worth instead, Lombardo says. “Unconditional confidence is based on <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/do-your-actions-reflect-your-values">applying your values</a> and strengths and appreciating the life you create by doing so.” Is your life—your work, the way you spend your free time, the people you hang out with—aligned with your values? If not, bring them together because that’s where unconditional confidence begins.</p>

<h3 class="Subhead---Sofia-Med-12">Are you confident in some areas but not others?</h3>
<p class="BODY">It’s normal to be a confident athlete but decidedly unconfident when it comes to public speaking. Or maybe you’re sure of yourself at work but self-conscious in social situations. That’s OK. You don’t have to be confident with everything. In fact, people who act sure of themselves in all situations are probably either faking it or overestimating their abilities. Being secure in your innate worth as a person, even if you’re terrible at tennis or shy at parties, is what matters. True confidence, according to Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D., author of <em>The Self-Esteem Workbook</em>, is an “honest, appreciative opinion” of yourself that accounts for your strengths and weaknesses.</p>
<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/how-to-turn-your-weaknesses-into-strengths">How to Turn Your Weaknesses Into Strengths</a></strong></p>
<p class="BODY">So how does that translate to happiness? People who believe in their innate worth “strive for excellence with less pressure or <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/john-addison-5-ways-to-turn-your-fear-into-fuel">fear of failure</a>, since coming up short of a goal does not diminish who they are as a person,” Schiraldi says. When you aren’t afraid of failure, you try more new things and pursue more goals than people who are.</p>

<h3 class="Subhead---Sofia-Med-12">Do you believe in other people’s innate worth?</h3>
<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/8-ways-to-be-a-more-confident-person">True confidence</a> is not just about your estimation of yourself. It’s also about how you value others. “People who are high in healthy self-esteem are also high in <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/6-attributes-of-healthy-humility">healthy humility</a>,” Schiraldi says. “They recognize that all people are valuable and have much to learn.” And valuing other people for all of their strengths and weaknesses is how social bonds are sparked and solidified. The people you associate with and appreciate every day—your friends, family, neighbors and co-workers—are the cornerstones of happiness.
<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/ted-talks-the-surprising-science-of-happiness"><strong>‘The Surprising Science of Happiness’</strong></a></p>
<p class="rteindent1"></p>
This article originally appeared in the March 2017 issue of <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/catalog/category/view/id/1318" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"><em>SUCCESS</em> magazine</a>.

Don’t discount the importance of self-compassion.

Don’t discount the importance of self-compassion. | SUCCESS

3 Questions to Know If You’re Truly Confident

3 Questions to Know If You’re Truly Confident | SUCCESS

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<p class="BODY">We put money in our 401(k)s. We take calcium supplements. We exercise. We hope these precautions will protect us as we age. But as we safeguard our money, bones and blood pressure, we forget to safeguard the one thing that can make a difference in the quality of our lives as we get older: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/ted-talks-the-habits-of-happiness">our happiness</a>.</p>
</div>

<p class="BODY">Decades of positive psychology research has shown high levels of subjective well-being (the combination of overall <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-13-ways-to-improve-your-life">life satisfaction</a> and in-the-moment positive feelings) can translate into better physical health and a longer life. In a 2011 report from the International Association of Applied Psychology, Edward Diener, Ph.D., a psychology professor emeritus at the University of Illinois, analyzed over 160 relevant studies and found that while positive feelings did not improve outcomes for people with certain diseases such as cancer, the evidence that happiness leads to better health is “clear and compelling.”</p>

<p class="BODY">Here’s how to start planning for your happy future:</p>

<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-happiness-is-not-in-the-getting-happiness-is-in-the-becoming">Happiness Is Not in the Getting, Happiness Is in the Becoming</a></strong></p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>1. Create meaning.</strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">“Well-being is a state that occurs when we consistently—and to the best of our abilities—<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/do-your-actions-reflect-your-values">align our day-to-day actions with our values</a> and goals,” says Beth Vagle, a certified life and ADHD coach in Denver. “As we get older, this alignment is even more crucial to our well-being. We need to feel that our lives are meaningful. And rather than search for meaning, we need to actively create it.” How do you create meaning? Take time to reflect on your values and then find activities that <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-how-to-live-a-life-of-value">honor those values</a>, Vagle says. If you love learning, for example, make a list of regular habits that would fulfill this value, such as reading before bed or visiting local museums.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>2. Be specific.</strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">The values and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-4-tips-for-setting-powerful-goals">goals you identify in yourself</a> will likely be broad—“I want to make art” or “I enjoy nature”—and that’s OK. But for them to be useful, you need to dig deeper. “Humans aren’t very good at following through with action on abstract ideas such as, ‘<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/if-you-want-to-win-help-others-win-first">I want to help people</a>,’ ” Vagle says. “So get specific. Which people? Help them do what? Where can you do it? That might turn into something like, ‘I want to help kids learn to read.’ ” From there, you can research literacy programs and get started.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>3. Prevent regret. </strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">A key question to ask ourselves when <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/5-ridiculously-easy-things-you-can-do-every-day-to-feel-happy">planning for happiness</a> as we get older, Vagle says, is “What regrets don’t I want to have?” Write them down. Pick the one or two that feel most pressing. If you don’t want to regret not spending enough time with your children or grandchildren, for example, devise tangible steps you can take, such as playing cards with them every night or planning a special trip together.</p>

<h2><strong>4. Be a work in progress.</strong></h2>

<p>“People who see themselves as works in progress are often the happiest as they age,” Vagle says. “These people always seek ways to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/john-c-maxwell-you-are-filled-with-extraordinary-potential">be a better version of themselves</a> than they were yesterday. That effort is satisfying in itself, but it also has a ripple effect on those around them.” If you’re working on being a better listener, say, it’s likely your friendships or marriage will improve, creating what positive psychologists call an upward spiral of happiness.</p>

<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/5-happiness-habits-of-successful-people">5 Happiness Habits of Successful People</a></strong></p>

<p class="rteindent1">&nbsp;</p>

<p>This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/catalog/category/view/id/1318" target="_blank" rel="noopener">January 2017 issue of SUCCESS magazine</a>.</p>


Because a happy life = a healthy life. | SUCCESS

4 Ways to Plan Your Happiness

4 Ways to Plan Your Happiness | SUCCESS

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<p class="BODY">Visiting family for the holidays is not always resoundingly joyful. Uncle Arlo’s racist jokes might not have you laughing. And your mom’s insistence that you’d look better with a haircut makes you want to deck something other than the halls. The bad news: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/14-loving-quotes-about-family">We have to accept our family members as they are.</a> The good news? It’s not your responsibility to change them.</p>
<p class="BODY">“With my clients, there is often a direct relationship between the amount of time they spend attempting to change another person and their level of suffering,” says Erin Foley, Ph.D., a life coach in Portland, Oregon. “The more we attempt to change or fix someone else, the more we suffer.”</p>
<p class="BODY">Here are some tips for letting go of anger, annoyance and resentment when avoidance is not an option:</p>
<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/10-ways-successful-people-stay-calm">10 Ways Successful People Stay Calm</a></strong></p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>1. Be honest about why you’re mad.</strong></h2>
<p class="BODY">If your brother is bragging about his latest Costa Rican adventure, consider what insecurity his trip is triggering for you. Have you always felt like he was more successful? Do you envy his child-free lifestyle? <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/what-you-need-to-know-about-emotional-intelligence">Manage your feelings</a> by explaining to your boastful brother why you get prickly with him. Say, “I’m sorry I shut down when you talk about your vacations. I feel bad I can’t give my family the same kind of experiences. But I really am happy for you, even if I don’t always show it.” This might sound crazy, Foley admits, and it takes a lot of emotional security. But it also opens up <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-the-4-building-blocks-of-good-communication">communication channels</a>.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>2. Respect your own boundaries.</strong></h2>
<p class="BODY">Other people don’t cross your boundaries. “You let someone cross them,” Foley says. She offers the example of parents who want you to visit for a week because they complain that they never get to see you. You’d prefer three days, but you cave in to the guilt and then grow angrier each day of your stay and blame your parents for guilting you into such a long stay. Protect your boundaries from the get-go. “People often want me to tell them how to hold their boundaries without upsetting others,” Foley says. “But the harsh reality is that it’s not possible.” If you tell your parents you are staying only three days, they could get mad, or they might not. Their reaction is <em>their</em> choice.</p>
<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related: </em><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/defend-your-boundaries-to-take-back-control"><strong>Defend Your Boundaries to Take Back Control</strong></a></p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>3. Treat your family like strangers.</strong></h2>
<p class="BODY">Sounds, well, strange. But have you ever noticed <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/i-drove-for-uber-to-see-how-strangers-can-impact-my-life">the conversations you have with strangers</a> are more pleasant than those you might have with your family members? “That’s because we have a history of neuro-associations with everything our family members say,” says Robin H-C, author of <em>Thinking Your Way to Happy!</em> “We acquire a way of listening to them that involves a position, judgment and opinion.” Pretend you just met them. When your mom says she really liked a particular book, instead of thinking to yourself, <em>Figures she likes a book with a narcissistic heroine</em>, genuinely ask her, “What did you like about the novel?”</p>
Focusing on and appreciating the positive aspects of <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-understand-peoples-personality-types">people’s personalities</a>—your brother is an amazing storyteller, your parents are so generous—will make your time with them much jollier, whether it’s during the holidays or just any old day.
<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/it-takes-a-positive-attitude-to-achieve-positive-results">It Takes a Positive Attitude to Achieve Positive Results </a></strong></p>
<p class="rteindent1"></p>
This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/by-media/magazines/success-magazine-december-2016-coach-john-wooden.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">December 2016 issue of <em>SUCCESS</em> magazine</a>.

'The more we attempt to change or fix someone else, the more we suffer.'

'The more we attempt to change or fix someone else, the more we suffer.' | SUCCESS

How to Keep Your Cool

How to Keep Your Cool | SUCCESS

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These 3 Excuses Are Preventing You From Finding Happiness

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<p class="BODY">Surely you’ve heard the adage “Happiness is a choice.” So who wouldn’t make the choice? Surprisingly, a lot of us. Many people don’t believe happiness can be that simple. But dozens of studies have found our subjective well-being (what scientists call our day-to-day <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/15-uplifting-quotes-for-positive-vibes">positive feelings</a> and overall life satisfaction) is something we can choose to work on and improve.</p>

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<p class="BODY">Making the choice is just the beginning. “You don’t decide to be happy and <em>poof!</em> it happens,” says Amy Telsey, a psychoanalyst in New York City. You have to do the mental and emotional pushups such as trying scientifically proven happy habits like keeping a gratitude journal, making time for friends and consciously savoring moments.</p>
<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related: </em><strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/5-happiness-habits-of-successful-people">5 Happiness Habits of Successful People</a></strong></p>
<p class="BODY">If you haven’t chosen happiness yet, you might be holding on to one of the following excuses.</p>

<h2 class="Subhead---Sofia-Med-8">1. “I don’t make enough money/I didn’t get the promotion I wanted.”</h2>
<p class="BODY">Some people believe joy will descend upon them once they reach some elusive goal. “<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/john-addison-dont-wait-for-your-circumstances-to-make-you-happy">When you make your happiness conditional on your life circumstances, you’re doomed to fail</a>,” says Telsey. “Discontentment often happens when your life and your expectations are out of sync.”</p>
<p class="BODY">Even if you achieve the goal, there’s no guarantee it will fulfill you the way you thought it would. In a study by Daniel Gilbert, Ph.D., a professor at Harvard University and the author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/1400077427/ref=as_li_ss_tl?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=1476827300&amp;sr=1-1&amp;linkCode=ll1&amp;tag=sm0fe-20&amp;linkId=fa042997c7ff72f4803477a89e499e07" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"><em>Stumbling on Happiness</em></a>, a group of assistant professors reported that they thought they would be happier once they received tenure. Years later the professors who received tenure were just as content as those who didn’t.</p>

<h2 class="Subhead---Sofia-Med-8">2. “I’ve experienced tragedy, so I’ll never be happy again.”</h2>
<p class="BODY">It was once believed that we adapt to distressing events and eventually return to a happiness “set point.” More recent studies have shown these unfortunate events can actually <em>influence</em> <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/top-of-mind-5-ways-to-make-your-life-more-satisfying">life satisfaction</a> and well-being for good. But influence does not mean <em>determine</em>.</p>
<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/3-things-that-make-life-more-satisfying">3 Things That Make Life More Satisfying</a></strong></p>
<p class="BODY">Personal choice has just as much, if not a greater, influence as tragedy on subjective well-being, says Edward Diener, Ph.D., a professor at the Universities of Virginia and Utah and one of the founders of the field of positive psychology. You can choose to see a therapist to help you <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/6-ways-to-keep-your-attitude-up-when-life-tries-to-bring-you-down">work through grief</a>; you can choose to find joy and meaning through certain things even while finding sadness in others.</p>
<p class="BODY">“Happiness is dependent not on how you feel, but on how you feel about how you feel,” says Telsey. You might not have control over what happened or the grief you feel, she explains, but once you accept the sadness, “you move into a kind of peace and inner alignment that can lead to happiness.”</p>

<h2 class="Subhead---Sofia-Med-8">3. “I was born a pessimist.”</h2>
Some people believe their potential for happiness is limited by their genes. While mood does have a genetic component, it’s not the determining factor. A 2015 analysis of 13 research studies found only 40 percent of the variability in subjective well-being between individuals is accounted for by genes, which leaves a whopping 60 percent to work with. Even the 40 percent heritability is not fixed, Diener says. Your brown hair, for example, might get lighter if you spend a lot of time in the sun. And your dark mood might lighten, too, once you believe it can.
<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:</em> <strong></strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/what-happy-successful-optimistic-people-know-about-life"><strong>What Happy, Successful, Optimistic People Know About Life</strong></a></p>
<p class="rteindent1">&nbsp;</p>
This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/by-media/magazines/success-magazine-november-2016-megyn-kelly.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">November 2016 issue of <em>SUCCESS</em> magazine.</a>

These 3 Excuses Are Preventing You From Finding Happiness | SUCCESS

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<p class="BODY-Intro-w-DROP-CAP"><span class="Body-Drop-Cap">I</span>t’s one thing to be courageous when you’re the one who will benefit from your bravery. But what if <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/courage-its-the-secret-to-getting-everything-you-want-in-life">being courageous</a> meant you might suffer? If a co-worker is being mistreated, for example, do you speak out on his behalf even if it means jeopardizing your job? If your child receives preferential treatment at school because you donate money, do you demand equal consideration for the students of parents who can’t afford to give? On a larger (scarier) scale, would you protect persecuted people at the risk of persecution for yourself?</p>

<p class="BODY rteindent1"><em>Related:&nbsp;</em><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/podcast/ep-28-the-best-ways-to-find-your-inner-courage"><strong>The Best Ways to Find Your Inner Courage</strong></a></p>
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<p class="BODY">The type of valor required to say <em>yes</em> to these questions is called moral or ethical courage. Moral courage is doing the right thing in the face of your fears, says Irshad Manji, founder of the <a href="https://moralcourage.com/why/" target="_blank">Moral Courage Project</a> at New York University and a senior fellow at the University of Southern California Annenberg Center on Communication Leadership &amp; Policy. “Moral courage is not just a virtue or an attribute, it’s a skill,” she emphasizes.</p>

<p class="BODY">It’s not hard to imagine the positive subjective well-being ramifications of <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/4-ways-to-find-time-to-do-what-you-love">doing things that make you feel good</a> about yourself. Start building your moral courage skills today.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>1. What is the greater good?</strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">That’s the first question you should ask yourself when making decisions involving morals—before even thinking about the possible outcomes, Manji says. If you are clear on what “right” is, it’s time to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/john-addison-why-real-leaders-do-what-is-right">measure your moral courage</a>. You may decide the consequences of making the “right” decision are not worth it, but at least you have made a conscious choice.</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>2. Work up to it.</strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">If you know blowing the whistle on your boss could cost you your job, it’s understandable if you want to find another job or save a few months’ worth of salary first. “So few people in societies all over the world demonstrate moral courage, so we have to appreciate it whenever and however it is displayed,” Manji says. “It takes time to develop moral courage.”</p>

<h2 class="BODY"><strong>3. Beware of “groupthink.”</strong></h2>

<p class="BODY">A behavior researched by psychologist Irving Janis, groupthink is what happens in small and cohesive groups “when critical thinking typically loses to the forces of consensus.” It’s the greatest obstacle to moral courage, Manji says. Groupthink is what’s behind the bystander effect, a natural instinct to ignore public wrongs for a sense of personal safety and belonging. It also accounts for ethical fading, an unconscious process that allows the ethical components of a decision to fade from view as we focus on other aspects of it. Examine and challenge the groupthinking your family, company, religious group, or circle of friends has developed; see how it measures against your own moral compass.</p>

<h2><strong>4. Reframe the conflict.</strong></h2>

<p>Ann Tenbrunsel, Ph.D., a professor of business ethics at the Mendoza College of Business at the University of Notre Dame and the research director of their Institute for Ethical Business Worldwide, believes acting morally courageous is <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/5-things-you-can-do-to-improve-your-mindset-in-20-minutes">a simple matter of mindset</a>. In one of her studies, participants were posed with a hypothetical dilemma. But first, half of them were told to think of a business decision, while the other half were told to think of an ethical decision. Then, after an unrelated task to distract them, they were given the opportunity to cheat. The business group was much likelier to lie and cheat than the ethical group. Same option, opposite outcomes—all because of a mindset shift. Try framing your predicaments as ethical ones, too, before considering the other facets.</p>

<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related: </em><strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/john-c-maxwell-a-guide-for-making-tough-decisions">A Guide for Making Tough Decisions</a></strong></p>

<p class="rteindent1">&nbsp;</p>

<p>This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/by-media/magazines/success-magazine-october-2016-sophia-amoruso.html" target="_blank">October 2016 issue of <em>SUCCESS </em>magazine</a>.</p>


Moral courage is doing the right thing in the face of your fears.

Moral courage is doing the right thing in the face of your fears. | SUCCESS

4 Tips for Standing Up for What You Believe In

4 Tips for Standing Up for What You Believe In | SUCCESS

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