man choosing greatness instead of mediocrity

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Personal Development | SUCCESS | What Achievers Read

Last summer, we <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/what-happened-when-i-ditched-technology-for-7-days/">banned personal electronics</a> from our family vacation—no laptops, iPods, video games or other devices. Instead we played cards, read books and watched the Olympics.



The first book on my list was Ayn Rand’s <a href="https://amzn.to/3K3bS1M" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Atlas Shrugged</a>, which I’d read for college years ago. I wanted to reread the 1957 novel because it was being discussed as the presidential race heated up in August 2012. The book contends that when a government regulates every aspect of your life and business, mediocrity sets in.



The funny thing is, as I revisited Atlas Shrugged, I kept drawing parallels between excessive government regulation and excessive personal regulation. Government laws control and regulate behavior just as <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/building-your-fear-muscle-with-judi-holler/">you use fear to regulate yourself</a>. To be great, you have to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-get-over-your-fears-and-get-on-with-your-life/">let go of your fears</a>.



<h2>Choosing greatness in life</h2>



One night on vacation, we watched the Olympic finals in men’s diving on TV. Our mesmerized 7-year-old, Oakley, declared, “Tomorrow I’m going to do a backflip!” He does them on our trampoline at home, so I figured this would be a cinch. The next morning, Oakley and his college-bound cousin Peter (a trick skier and diver) headed to the pool. Peter was going to teach Oakley to do that backflip.



They started on the side of the pool, rolling backward off the edge (like a ball) and into the water about a dozen times. Next they did a back flop and then a back dive. Once Oakley had the back dive perfected off the side, Peter moved him up to the diving board to repeat the progression. After about 90 minutes and many back dives, Oakley was ready. Peter gave a final demonstration: “You just have to let go and do it, Oak,” and he swung his arms into the air, shouted “look for the water,” launched himself off the board and landed feet-first in the pool.



Then the 4-foot Oakley got in position on the board: on his toes, knees bent, arms back, head up. He smiled. But after a few seconds, he said, “I can’t do it. I’m too little.”



A few years back, I remember consoling Oakley because he was too short for certain rides at an amusement park. Using rulers to measure, park personnel regulate the rides to ensure safety. But now Oakley was regulating himself. His fear controlled his behavior. He later felt bad that he had stopped himself, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/taking-the-first-step/">choosing safe mediocrity</a> instead of risking greatness.



<h2 id="h-don-t-let-fear-hold-you-back">Don't let fear hold you back</h2>



We all do it. I chose mediocrity when I told myself I was too hot and too tired to keep climbing the Sleeping Bear sand dunes—and I turned back with the peak in sight. I regulated myself.



The key is to recognize when you’re choosing mediocrity. You have free will. You can choose what you do for a living and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/4-ways-to-turn-obstacles-into-opportunities/">how you react to life’s obstacles</a>. And you can choose to push through your fear instead of regulating yourself unnecessarily. You can choose greatness.



Here’s a challenge: Today, notice how often you use fear to control your behavior. Notice how you choose mediocrity instead of greatness. Then try this: Don’t start another project; finish one you’ve blown off. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/get-out-of-your-way-with-allyson-byrd/">Don’t stop yourself</a>; push yourself forward.



It might be hard to perfect a backflip or climb a sand dune, but you are <a href="https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-stop-self-sabotaging" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">the only thing stopping yourself</a>. Choose not to be mediocre. Choose to be great.



This article was published in October 2012 and has been updated. Photo by mavo/Shutterstock

Oftentimes, fear is what separates mediocrity from greatness. Instead of letting that fear hold you back, choose greatness.

Oftentimes, fear is what separates mediocrity from greatness. Instead of letting that fear hold you back, choose greatness. | SUCCESS

Choose to be Great, Not Mediocre

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Choose Greatness Instead of Mediocrity—Here's How | SUCCESS

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Mel Robbins is a contributing editor to SUCCESS magazine, best-selling author, CNN commentator, creator of the&nbsp;“5&nbsp;Second Rule” and the busiest female motivational speaker in the world. To find out more, visit her website: MelRobbins.com. To follow her on Twitter: Twitter.com/melrobbins

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Mel Robbins

Leadership

Leadership Archives

Leadership | SUCCESS | What Achievers Read

Showing an example of leadership landed me a job. Just not in a way you might think.



I always plan to show up early for every appointment, just in case. There are many variables, from traffic to parking to finding the right building and floor, that could affect my being on time. I don’t always get there early, but I do plan for it.



This was one of those days when everything just clicked. No traffic. Open parking. Bizarrely smooth sailing. It turns out, I was 20 minutes early.



I killed time by buying coffee and a magazine, and I went in to see the receptionist. I could just sit and relax and read and wait.



It was the summer of 2001. I had just started my <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-become-a-certified-coach/">career as a business coach</a> for some big companies like Johnson &amp; Johnson and Bear Sterns. This was going to be a big account for me, if I got the job. My meeting was supposed to be with some guy named Alex—a bigwig, senior VP. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-118-the-modern-elevator-pitch/">I had my pitch</a> completely nailed after practicing exactly what I was going to say to land the account until I had it down cold. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/use-these-7-tips-to-boost-your-confidence/">I was so confident</a> I was simply going to enjoy the magazine and my coffee in the waiting area.



<h2 id="h-an-example-of-leadership-in-the-ladies-room">An example of leadership… in the ladies’ room</h2>



This story sticks out in my mind because of one singular image: the ladies’ room. I was in a professional office building; I expected certain things. One of them was a relatively clean restroom. But I was shocked when I walked in. It was a mess. Something akin to “the horror” Colonel Walter Kurtz was talking about in Apocalypse Now.



I emerged from my stall to see a woman, a businesswoman, cleaning up—picking up the paper towels, wiping up the sink area. I was so impressed that I immediately mimicked her example of leadership. After all, I didn’t want anyone to think I was in any way responsible for contributing to this catastrophe.



I attempted to <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/small-talk-topics-3024421" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">make small talk</a> and support her plan of attack, saying, “A woman’s work is never done….”



“Do you think women feel so at ease in here <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/6-steps-to-discover-your-true-self/">they are truly themselves</a>, or is it the opposite, and they just stop caring?” she asked me, then scooted out the door.



I returned to my coffee and magazine in the waiting area until the receptionist ushered me into the vice president’s office for my big interview. And there she sat: the woman from the ladies’ room.



“Hi, I’m Mel.”



“Nice to meet you, Mel; I’m Alex.” Silly for me, of all people, to think I had to be meeting a guy.



“I have to tell you, Alex, you really got me thinking about bathroom etiquette,” I said. “I think people just don’t think it’s their job. They know someone else will take care of it.”



Alex replied quickly: “Then I think most people are missing the point.”



<h2>What makes a great leader</h2>



“You are absolutely right. I learned one thing today. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/15-traits-of-excellent-leaders/">A true leader</a> leaves the bathroom cleaner than they found it. You are someone I definitely have to work with.”



And with that, I had the job. No planned speech, no résumé. We just saw eye to eye. She taught me a lesson I carry with me to this very day. When I get up and leave a conference room, a public restroom, any space, I want to show my leadership by example. Leading is just that—taking the lead.



Alex was right. Most people are missing the point. A true leader leaves the bathroom cleaner than they found it.



How do you behave when no one is watching? Answer that, and you’ll know whether you <a href="https://www.inc.com/john-brandon/think-you-have-leadership-gene-answer-these-6-questions-to-find-out.html" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">truly have the leadership gene</a>. If you do, I’d follow you anywhere. Even in a public restroom.



This article was published in November 2012 and has been updated. Photo by Kinga/Shutterstock

How you behave when no one is watching is one great example of leadership. Here’s how it landed one woman a big account at work.

How you behave when no one is watching is one great example of leadership. Here’s how it landed one woman a big account at work. | SUCCESS

The Leadership Gene

How Showing an Example of Leadership Landed me a Job | SUCCESS

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I have discovered the best ideas come to me at the most random times: in the shower, brushing my teeth, walking in the woods and in the middle of the night. Experts talk about the <a href="https://faculty.wharton.upenn.edu/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/ShinGrant_AMJforthcoming.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">benefits of productive procrastination</a>, which is a fancy way to say that when you are working on a big project, your mind <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/saying-no-to-more-why-giving-your-brain-space-to-wander-improves-your-productivity/">needs time to wander</a>.



But what do you do when you can’t afford the luxury of letting an epiphany occur when it’s ready? Projects inevitably require your best thinking quickly, whether you are building a new sales strategy, updating your website or solving a customer issue. When the answers to these problems don’t seem obvious, it can cause additional stress. So how do you <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-practices-to-come-up-with-new-ideas/">do your best creative thinking</a> when you’re under pressure?



<a href="https://hbr.org/2002/08/creativity-under-the-gun" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Alongside other researchers</a>, Teresa Amabile, a professor at Harvard Business School, collected more than 9,000 workday diary entries, crunched the numbers and was able to isolate the two factors that promote creativity on a deadline:



<ol><li>Time to concentrate with zero interruptions.</li><li>Knowing why the problem is important to solve.</li></ol>



Let’s unpack these a bit more. First, if you need to solve a problem on a deadline, start by <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/why-youre-always-distracted-from-the-task-at-hand/">blocking out distractions</a>. Amabile’s research showed that the most creative days featured the same working conditions: the ability to concentrate with no interruptions. Without this protected focus during time-pressured days, people felt as if they were on a treadmill: moving fast, but not getting anywhere.



The second condition is having a strong sense of why the problem is important. When people understood why solving a problem or thinking of a new idea was critically important, they felt like they were on a mission, and therefore were driven to solve the problem.



Even with these conditions in place, the fact remains that breakthroughs don’t often happen at work. In fact, in a 2019 <a href="https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/how-managers-can-stifle-creativity" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Harvard Business School interview</a> with Teresa Amabile, she discussed how current managerial practices often stifle creativity at work.



Here’s my recommended process for <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-solve-problems-effectively-and-ethically/">quickly solving a problem</a>:



<img class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__38033 img__view_mode__full" style="margin: 4px; float: left; width: 15%;" src="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/legacy/sites/default/files/timecrunch.jpg" alt="timecrunch.jpg"><span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: AppleSDGothicNeo-Regular, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif, 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', NotoColorEmoji, EmojiSymbols, Symbola, Noto, 'Android Emoji', AndroidEmoji, 'Arial Unicode MS', 'Zapf Dingbats', AppleColorEmoji, 'Apple Color Emoji'; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27px;">•&nbsp;Block out distractions during work.



<span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: AppleSDGothicNeo-Regular, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif, 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', NotoColorEmoji, EmojiSymbols, Symbola, Noto, 'Android Emoji', AndroidEmoji, 'Arial Unicode MS', 'Zapf Dingbats', AppleColorEmoji, 'Apple Color Emoji'; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27px;">•&nbsp;Go on a mission to learn as much as you can about the problem you are looking to solve and consider every potential solution.



<span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: AppleSDGothicNeo-Regular, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif, 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', NotoColorEmoji, EmojiSymbols, Symbola, Noto, 'Android Emoji', AndroidEmoji, 'Arial Unicode MS', 'Zapf Dingbats', AppleColorEmoji, 'Apple Color Emoji'; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27px;">•&nbsp;Immerse yourself in the material.



<span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: AppleSDGothicNeo-Regular, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif, 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', NotoColorEmoji, EmojiSymbols, Symbola, Noto, 'Android Emoji', AndroidEmoji, 'Arial Unicode MS', 'Zapf Dingbats', AppleColorEmoji, 'Apple Color Emoji'; text-align: justify; text-indent: 27px;">•&nbsp;When you finish your research,&nbsp;try to stop thinking about it. Take a long shower or go for a run without headphones in. Remind yourself why this problem is important.



Within a few days, the creative solutions you’re looking for should appear.



Whether you’re under time constraints or not, use this process to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/18-out-of-the-box-ideas-to-spark-creative-inspiration/">cultivate creativity and innovation</a> in your daily life. And remember—you’re innately creative, and under the right conditions, you can bring that creativity to the surface every time you need it.



This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.success.com/by-media/success-magazine-october-2017-brendon-burchard.html" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">October 2017 issue</a> of SUCCESS magazine and has been updated. Photo by Rawpixel.com/Shutterstock

When the answers to these problems don’t seem obvious, it can cause additional stress. So how do you do your best creative thinking when you’re under pressure?

When the answers to these problems don’t seem obvious, it can cause additional stress. So how do you do your best creative thinking when you’re under pressure? | SUCCESS

How to Inspire Creativity on a Deadline

How to Inspire Creativity on a Deadline | SUCCESS

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I was having dinner with my mom when something strange happened. I couldn’t read the menu. I squinted. I furrowed. I moved the menu back and forth. I moved the candle closer for more light. Finally, my mom handed me her glasses. The words came into focus—as did the realization that for the first time in my life, I needed glasses. I wasn’t sure <a href="https://www.verywellhealth.com/how-to-buy-eyeglasses-3421905" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">what kind I wanted</a> or where to buy them, so I went online.



I did internet searches for the “best eyeglasses for oval face” and “best eyeglass design for women.” I searched “eyeglasses” on social media platforms. I printed out my favorites and checked manufacturer websites for retail locations in Boston. Yelp reviews narrowed my shopping destinations.



I went to Vizio Optic first because it had numerous “best of” awards online and because my GPS told me the address was fairly close. But it was what I saw when I entered Vizio Optic that made me a customer.



Owner and optometrist Galina Rabkin was hugging an 11-year-old named Molly. The staff and customers smiled at the embrace. Post-hug, Molly stepped back and exclaimed, “Thank you, Dr. Rabkin!” Then, facing a mirror, she flashed a huge smile and announced, “I LOVE them! I look SO great!”



Rabkin hugged Molly’s mom, too, and turned to greet me with a smile. “Hi, I’m Galina. Welcome to Vizio Optic. Try anything on, open the drawers, have fun and let me know if you see anything you like.”



As we chatted, she explained her passion for eyewear. “Your glasses should make you feel like a million dollars. You spend so much time thinking about what shoes to wear—what about the glasses you put on your face?” I trusted her immediately.



We talked about her business, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/having-a-career-and-being-a-mom-you-can-do-both/">being a working mom</a>, and what it was like fresh out of graduate school to take a risk, get a loan and open her own store. I asked about her business philosophy, and she said it was to make every customer feel like an old friend.



I was reminded of important, often-forgotten distinctions between sales, marketing and technology: In this era of computer search engines, blog reviews and Yelp directories, technology and marketing <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-craft-compelling-messages-online-and-win-new-customers/">get people in the door</a>. But it is human beings, not computers, who decide to buy.



The human touch played a part in the technology that guided me to Vizio Optic—the glowing online reviews and the “best of” awards came from people who loved buying from Rabkin. In sales, however, the human touch must ultimately trump people’s universal <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-pandemic-sabotaged-our-decision-making-abilities-heres-how-to-start-regaining-that-self-confidence/">resistance to making a decision</a> and their tendency to look for a better deal.



I see many business owners focusing their efforts on <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescommunicationscouncil/2021/04/26/how-to-navigate-the-complex-world-of-search-engine-optimization/?sh=3b46d88a4d83" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">search engine optimization</a>, websites and local listings. But once customers walk in, it’s all about <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/5-ways-to-thrill-your-customers/">how you make them feel</a>. Rabkin and her staff made me <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/serving-your-ideal-client-starts-with-understanding-their-buying-motives/">want to buy there</a>. They appealed to my emotions by treating me like a friend; they nurtured my trust with their honesty (“Take ’em off!” they advised about some of the frames I tried on). I depended on their judgment.



When I returned to pick up my glasses, I understood Molly’s excitement. I was reuniting with friends and was so thrilled with my purchase that I hugged Rabkin, too.



This article was published in June 2012 and has been updated. Photo by

In this era of computer search engines, blog reviews and Yelp directories, technology and marketing get people in the door. But it is human beings, not computers, who decide to buy.

In this era of computer search engines, blog reviews and Yelp directories, technology and marketing get people in the door. But it is human beings, not computers, who decide to buy. | SUCCESS

The Power of Sales and the Human Touch

The Power of Sales and the Human Touch | SUCCESS

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Mel Robbins Says This Is How Your Instincts Can Help You Achieve Your Goals

I look out the window and see my cat, Mr. Noodle, lurching toward the tall grass at the edge of our field. He creeps along, then stops. His ears twitch and his tail whips back and forth. He waits. Then he pounces into the tall grass. A few seconds pass and he emerges with a chipmunk dangling from his mouth.



Noodle is quite the hunter. He serves as a constant reminder of an important difference between animals and human beings: Animals just do what their instincts tell them to. Human beings have instincts, too—they guide us all day long, sending us signals to act or stay still, but unlike animals, we don’t trust them. Instead, we stop and consider how we feel.



We think about all of the possible options and evaluate them. Often we get so focused on how we feel about our instincts that we ignore what our instincts are telling us to do.



Have you ever broken up with someone? I bet your instincts told you to do it months (or years) before, but you ignored the impulse. Once you <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/why-you-should-start-your-own-business-today/">start a business</a>, you’ll typically regret that you didn’t listen to your instincts that told you to start (or quit) it sooner.



And when it comes to your goals, your instincts are a powerful weapon but your feelings are a major obstacle.



Instincts are a culmination of your heart intelligence, your situational intelligence and your mental intelligence fused together with your unique DNA. They join forces in an instant to send you impulses to move, to do something. These instincts are hardwired in your body to act as a guide.



But feelings, on the other hand, are in your head. They are the words your brain uses to describe the physical state of your body. If, for example, you feel a rush of adrenaline, your brain could describe that as you feeling excited or scared.



If you’ve heard the term “fight or flight,” that’s not a feeling; that’s an instinct. It is a term to describe the hardwired instinctual reaction your body has when you are in legitimate danger. There is no thinking involved; your instincts take over and automate your response. That’s why you duck when there is a loud noise or why you reach for something to stabilize yourself as you start to fall. You don’t think. You don’t stop to consider how you feel about the loud noise. The action is automatic.



The same is true with athletes. After enough practice, there is no time to stop and consider how you feel; you get into the flow and <a href="https://www.betterup.com/blog/when-trusting-your-gut-can-get-you-in-trouble" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">let your instincts guide you</a>.



Why should you teach yourself to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/know-when-to-trust-your-instinct/">follow your instincts</a>? Simple: science. <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/50833978_Affect_in_the_aftermath_How_goal_pursuit_influences_implicit_evaluations" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">A research study</a> by the University of Alberta found that your instincts help you achieve goals. While studying the brain, they determined that when there’s something near you that will help you with both short-term and long-term goals, your brain views it favorably and alerts you with an impulse. Pretty cool, huh?



Whether you want to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-create-an-exercise-routine-that-doesnt-suck/">get in shape</a>, be nicer to your spouse, or <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-speak-well-and-listen-better/">speak less and listen more</a> in team meetings, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/rohn-4-tips-for-setting-powerful-goals/">pick one goal</a> and tune into the impulses you feel.&nbsp; Once you set a goal, your brain works with your intuition, signaling you with an impulse when your goal is within reach. The next step is easy: Pounce.



This article was published in September 2016 and has been updated.

Instincts are a culmination of your heart intelligence, your situational intelligence and your mental intelligence fused together with your unique DNA. They join forces in an instant to send you impulses to move, to do something.

Instincts are a culmination of your heart intelligence, your situational intelligence and your mental intelligence fused together with your unique DNA. They join forces in an instant to send you impulses to move, to do something. | SUCCESS

Mel Robbins: How Your Instincts Can Help You Achieve Your Goals

Mel Robbins: How Your Instincts Can Help You Achieve Your Goals | SUCCESS

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The Most Important Relationship You Have Is with Time—Here's How to Nurture It

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Elevate your lifestyle for success and happiness

Your most important relationship as an entrepreneur isn’t with your investors, your partner, your customers or your spouse—it’s with time.



I have three kids, a media company to run, a daily radio show, a new TV show and an entrepreneur husband with three restaurants. I don’t have any time, but I do have a powerful relationship with time.



It wasn’t always that way. For years, I felt like I was in a whirlwind. When I launched my company, I literally felt like my life was <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201910/finding-balance-when-things-are-out-control" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">out of control</a>. We all have impossibly long to-do lists and there are never enough hours in the day to complete them.



I’m sure you know the feeling. It’s not just that the days flew by—that was the good part. The problem was I felt like I wasn’t getting anything accomplished. So many things demanded my attention, and there were always so many fires to put out. I felt like I was running in circles.



I spent all day telling myself, “<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/feeling-overwhelmed-how-to-find-time-without-sacrificing-self-care/">I don’t have time</a>,” and I started to believe it. You probably do the same thing.



I wasn’t <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-lessons-i-learned-from-my-dad-about-running-a-business/">running a business</a>, the business was running me—ragged. I was so busy whipping myself into a frenzy over how little time I had that I spent all day racing around, trying to jam everything in. I kept <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/we-all-have-the-same-24-hours-heres-how-to-make-the-most-of-them/">wishing for more hours</a> in a day, and then, it finally dawned on me—it’s not going to happen. I can’t change how much time I have; I can only change my relationship to it. And to change your relationship with time, you first have to change how you think about time.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-step-1-notice">Step 1: Notice </h2>



Notice how much you actually speed up time by telling yourself (all day long), I’m running out of time, I don’t have enough time, Hurry up—time’s almost up, or I can’t fit that in. Those phrases start a chain reaction and send you spiraling into a frenzy as you try to jam it all in.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Step 2: Recognize</h2>



Recognize that everything you’ve ever needed to get done, you have. When’s the last time you ever actually missed out on something because you ran out of time? Every term paper you waited until the last minute to write, you actually got done—you just pulled an all-nighter to do it. Every big presentation, pitch or bid got done—in exactly the amount of time you had.



I’ve come to realize that the amount of time each task takes is exactly the same as the amount of time I have to get it done in. You actually do have time when you need it—plenty of it. You are just so busy rushing to keep up that you don’t think you do.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Step 3: Accept</h2>



Accept that the problem isn’t time. The problem <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-separate-the-urgent-from-the-important/">lies in your priorities</a> and your habit of turning everything into an emergency. The answer isn’t more hours in a day, the answer is exerting power over your to-do list and focusing on what is actually important. Most of what’s on your plate can wait an hour, a day, a week, a month or even a year.



The thing that can’t wait another minute is adjusting what you say to yourself about time and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-a-to-dont-list-can-help-you-achieve-your-goals/">how you prioritize what’s important</a>. Try this: Think of one thing on your plate that you feel pressure to get done. Start it right now. And as you work on it, repeat in your head your new mantra: I have time.



You’ll be amazed. You don’t have to rush through everything. You don’t have to <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescommunicationscouncil/2021/03/04/the-power-of-one-tackling-one-day-email-or-article-at-a-time/?sh=1a119dd96604" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">do it all at once</a>. You can pick the most important thing, and slow down. Because now you have what no other entrepreneur has—time.



This article was published in June 2009 and has been updated. Photo courtesy of Mel Robbins

I can’t change how much time I have; I can only change my relationship to it. And to change your relationship with time, you first have to change how you think about time.

I can’t change how much time I have; I can only change my relationship to it. And to change your relationship with time, you first have to change how you think about time. | SUCCESS

The Most Important Relationship You Have Is with Time—Here&#8217;s How to Nurture It

Nurturing Your Relationship with Time: Key Strategies for Success

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Mel Robbins: It's Never Too Late to Make a Difference

I want to introduce you to a woman named Judie, who is an incredible example of how making a difference for others can directly improve <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-quality-of-your-life-is-determined-by-the-quality-of-your-questions/">the quality of your life</a>.



As of 2010 Judie was in her 70s, but 30 years ago, when her three sons were finally off to elementary school, she found herself with some time on her hands. She decided to fill that time by volunteering for a local hospice group. She figured, Why not? The experience would get her out of the house and be a way to <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insights-more-meaningful-existence/202009/helping-others-is-good-your-health" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">help someone in need</a>.



She holds a vivid memory of her first patient, a 38-year-old woman named Mia. Mia’s husband was dying of brain cancer, and she needed help caring for her small children—reading to them, playing games, cooking meals and being their friend.



Over the eight years that Judie volunteered for hospice, she observed many tragedies but always one common theme: There are so many people in this world who just want someone—anyone—to be there.



That first experience with Mia’s children never left Judie. When an adult dies, everyone is attentive to the parent while the children are often forgotten.



So her next move was to volunteer as a counselor at a bereavement center for children. There is no question that once you tap into the power of being there for someone in need, it never leaves you. On her 70th birthday (after having cared for her now-deceased husband), Judie took a trip to Vietnam. On her way there, she passed through Cambodia. She was captivated by the temples, the people and the history. But it was the children who really captured her heart. Everywhere she turned there were children in need. She learned about an organization called the Cambodian Living Arts (CLA), teaching children the arts that were all but lost in the genocide by the Khmer Rouge.



Consistent with her desire to give, Judie asked herself, What could I do to help CLA and these children? The answer: enroll (at the age of 71) in a local college course to learn the art of teaching English, then fly to Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia, and live there for three months teaching English to schoolchildren.



2010 marked her third year in Cambodia, where she continued to teach and sponsored the education of five CLA students. And Judie brought this same <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/giving-kindness-what-a-wonderful-world/">spirit of giving</a> into her own family. Around the Christmas of 2009, she started The Giving Tree, a charitable foundation for her nine grandkids. All year, they put money into their piggy banks. At the end of the year, the grandkids pooled the money together, the parents doubled it and Judie doubled the total. “Our kids have a lot, and they need a vehicle through which they can learn how giving can be <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evidence-based-living/202111/clear-evidence-giving-is-good-you" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">the cherry on top</a> of an already blessed life,” Judie said. Her hope is that her grandkids will spend some time over the course of the year thinking about <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/9-smart-spending-and-saving-tips/">how to save money</a> and how they might spend it to benefit <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/serve-others-to-get-all-you-want/">the needs of other people</a>.



Judie is my mother-in-law. She told me, “If I leave nothing else, I hope I instill the excitement <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-make-giving-back-routine/">that comes from giving</a> and the satisfaction that comes from just being there for someone.” Judie, you already have.



This article was published in August 2010 and has been updated. Photo courtesy of Mel Robbins

I want to introduce you to a woman named Judie, who is an incredible example of how making a difference for others can directly improve the quality of your life.

I want to introduce you to a woman named Judie, who is an incredible example of how making a difference for others can directly improve the quality of your life. | SUCCESS

Mel Robbins: It&#8217;s Never Too Late to Make a Difference

Mel Robbins: It's Never Too Late to Make a Difference | SUCCESS

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When Growing Your Business Is a Constant Sales Pitch, Confidence Is Your Greatest Ally

No matter what you do for a living—you’re in sales. We’re all in sales all the time. Everything is <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-get-a-yes-to-your-next-sales-pitch/">a sales pitch</a>. When you give your opinion on a conference call, you’re selling an idea. When you negotiate breakfast options with your kids, you’re selling a product. Heck, when you update Twitter you’re selling yourself.



<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-scale-your-business-a-guide-for-new-entrepreneurs/">Growing your business</a> is a constant sales pitch. You have to seem larger and more experienced than you are. You have to take jobs that will stretch your company and force it to grow. You have to stick your neck out. You have to say “sure we can do that” first and then check with the powers that be to make sure that you can.



Selling yourself is the exact same game. What’s for sale is YOU. If you want someone to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/attracting-success-how-to-make-the-right-people-recognize-your-talent/">take a leap of faith</a> on you, you must act larger, more passionate and more experienced than you feel. And it’s not easy to do. Most of us feel awkward when we put ourselves out there. You know exactly what I’m talking about. When you stick your neck out (and they say yes), you’re afraid they will find out that you’re really not all that you claim to be. That anxious feeling is the psychological hot button of sales. It’s there and always will be. And just like that gene that made you lactose intolerant, it’s not going anywhere. So you have to <a href="https://hbr.org/2020/09/how-to-manage-your-anxiety" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">learn how to deal with it</a>.



In this economy, what people want most from you is confidence.



I’m feeling it right now. With every new gig comes the fear of failing and fraudulence.&nbsp;&nbsp;



Do I think I can do it? You bet I do. I think I’d knock it out of the park. But I’ve got to sell myself first and deal with the fraud factor later. I can’t walk into the room and say, “Just so we’re all clear, I’ve never really done this before, and I have my doubts, and I just wanted to share my insecurities with you in case I don’t measure up once you pick me.” And neither can you.



They are hiring me <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-art-of-true-confidence/">for my confidence</a>. So I’ve got to promise that I can do something before I know that I can. And in this economy, what people want most from you is confidence. It’s easy to lack confidence right now.



You are probably busy telling yourself, “No one is buying in this economy.” You may even be worried about your company’s viability or <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-create-job-security-for-life/">your own job security</a>. This makes selling even tougher. The anxiousness that comes with selling in an economy like this is simply that same old fraud factor at work. You will always feel awkward when you are uncertain about how things will turn out. Always.



The first step to selling yourself—to selling confidence—is recognizing that the pit in your stomach isn’t the economy. It’s the fear of <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/jodiecook/2020/11/04/how-to-master-the-art-of-putting-yourself-out-there/?sh=3c4d51a5d10e" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">putting yourself out there</a>. It just so happens you are putting yourself out there at a time when the economy isn’t doing so great.



The truth is, people are buying in this economy. They are buying products, services and solutions. And they are buying from people with confidence.



So ditch the economy as your excuse and pick up the phone. You may feel awkward at first, but trust me. The person on the other end of the line wants exactly what you’ve got: a huge jolt of confidence.



This article was published in February 2009 and has been updated. Photo courtesy of Mel Robbins

In this economy, what people want most from you is confidence.

In this economy, what people want most from you is confidence. | SUCCESS

Confidence: Your Greatest Ally in Constant Sales Pitches

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It Only Takes 5 Seconds to Change Your Life

Her mind starts to race with all kinds of cool things they could do. The conversation among her colleagues is winding down and the vice president of business development says, “These are great suggestions. Anyone else?”



Christine has a decision to make, and she’ll make it in the next five seconds.



She knows she should jump into the conversation, but she stops to think. Is this going to sound crazy? No one else suggested anything even close to this. She shifts in her chair. Is there a reason no one else has mentioned Snapchat? Now she’s questioning whether she should share the idea at all.



In the next five seconds, Christine will either decide to say nothing, a pattern that’s become a habit of hers at work, or she will find <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/im-speaking-communication-tools-to-help-women-reclaim-their-power-in-conversations/">the courage to speak up</a>.



Christine has a goal. She wants to advance in her career and is worried that she’s going to get passed over for more senior roles if she doesn’t improve her executive presence. She’s been spending a lot of time figuring out what she needs to do and she is struggling with her ability to make herself do it. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-art-of-true-confidence/">Her confidence is taking a nosedive</a>.



She has devoured fantastic books such as <a href="https://amzn.to/38p6wh3" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Lean In</a>, <a href="https://amzn.to/3l5JdLU" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Tribes</a>, <a href="https://amzn.to/3FK0Bzp" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Daring Greatly</a> and <a href="https://amzn.to/3w9foQS" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">The Confidence Code</a>. She has attended women’s conferences, listened intently to her mentor and practiced power posing in her mirror at home. Thanks to all this research and reading, Christine knows what she needs to do (share strategic ideas, be proactive, lean in, be more visible and volunteer for projects that stretch her), and she knows why she needs to do these things.



You’re probably wondering, Why on earth doesn’t Christine just speak up when she has the chance? Great question.



The answer is simple: she’s losing a battle with her feelings. Christine isn’t struggling with speaking. She’s <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-overcome-self-doubt-and-become-the-hero-of-your-story/">struggling with self-doubt.</a> Christine knows how to speak in a meeting. What she doesn’t know how to do is beat the feelings that are stopping her.



If you’ve ever wondered why it’s so hard to make yourself do the things that you know will solve your problems and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/what-is-personal-development/">improve your life</a>, it’s because of your emotions. None of us realize it, but we make almost every single decision not with logic—not with our hearts, not based on our goals or dreams—but with our feelings.



Our feelings in the moment are almost never aligned with what’s best for us. Studies show that <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167216676480?journalCode=pspc&amp;" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">we opt for what feels good now</a> or feels easier rather than doing the things that we know in our hearts will make us better in the long run.



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-the-moment-you-realize-your-feelings-are-the-problem-you-now-have-the-ability-to-beat-them">The moment you realize your feelings are the problem, you now have the ability to beat them.</h3>



The moment you realize your feelings are the problem, you now have the ability to beat them. Look at how quickly Christine’s feelings began to take control in that meeting. In less than five seconds, self-doubt started to fill her mind. It happens to all of us. Once you understand the role feelings play in how you <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/be-better-at-decision-making/">make a decision</a>, you will be able to beat them. Here’s what you need to know:



We like to think that we use logic or consider our goals when we make decisions, but that’s not the case. According to neuroscientist Antonio Damasio, it’s our feelings that decide for us 95% of the time. You feel before you think. You feel before you act. As Damasio puts it, human beings are “feeling machines that think” not “thinking machines that feel.” And that’s how you ultimately make decisions, based on how you feel.



Damasio studied people who had brain damage and couldn’t feel any emotions at all, and he discovered something fascinating: None of his research subjects could make a decision. They could describe logically what they should do and the pros and cons of the choice, but they couldn’t actually make a choice. The simplest decisions, such as figuring out what to eat, were paralyzing.



What Damasio discovered is paramount for you to understand. Every time we have a decision to make, we subconsciously tally all the pros and cons of our choices and then <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbestechcouncil/2020/04/17/lead-with-your-gut-and-follow-the-data-a-decision-makers-guide-to-success/?sh=4a56d279cbda" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">make a gut call</a> based on how we feel. This happens in a nanosecond. That’s why none of us catch it.



For example, when you ask yourself, What do I want to eat? You are actually asking yourself, What do I feel like eating? Christine was doing the same thing at work. She wasn’t asking, Should I share my idea? Subconsciously, she was asking, Do I feel like sharing my idea? Huge difference.



***



<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-ways-to-get-better-at-dealing-with-change/">Change is hard</a>. Logically we know what we should do, but our feelings about doing it make our decision for us. Your feelings will make the decision before you even realize what happened. How you feel in the moment is almost never aligned with your goals and your dreams. If you act only when you feel like it, you will never get what you want.



You must learn how to separate what you feel from the actions that you take. The 5 Second Rule is a remarkable tool in this regard.



My exploration of the 5 Second Rule started in 2009. I was 41 years old and faced some major<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/10-money-habits-that-are-leaving-you-broke"> problems with money</a>, work and my marriage. As soon as I woke up each morning, all I felt was dread.



Have you ever felt that way? It’s the worst. For months, I felt so overwhelmed by the problems I had that when the alarm rang at 6 a.m., I would lie there and think about the day ahead, the lien on the house, the negative account balance, my failed career, how much I resented my husband… and then I would hit the snooze button. Not once, but over and over.



The reason I didn’t get out of bed was simple: I just didn’t feel like it. I would later learn that I was stuck in what researchers call a habit loop. I had hit the snooze button so many mornings in a row the behavior was now a closed-loop pattern encoded in my brain.



Then one night everything changed. I was about to turn off the TV and head to bed when a television commercial caught my attention. There on the screen was the image of a launch pad. I could hear the famous final five-second countdown, fire and smoke filled the screen and the rocket launched. I thought to myself, That’s it, I’ll launch myself out of bed tomorrow… like a rocket. I’ll move so fast I won’t have time to talk myself out of it. It was just an instinct. One that I could have easily dismissed. Luckily, I didn’t. I acted on it.



The next morning the alarm rang at 6 a.m. and the first thing I felt was dread. It was dark. It was cold. It was winter in Boston, and I did not want to wake up. I thought about the rocket launch, and I immediately felt like it was stupid. Then I did something that I had never done before: I ignored how I felt. I didn’t think. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/9-ways-to-motivate-yourself-when-youre-stuck/">I did what needed to be done</a>.



Instead of hitting the snooze button, I started counting backward.



And then I stood up. That was the exact moment I discovered the 5 Second Rule.



The moment you feel too tired, you’ll decide not to go for a run. But 5- 4- 3- 2- 1- GO, and you could make yourself go for one. If you don’t feel like attacking the <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-a-to-dont-list-can-help-you-achieve-your-goals/">to-do list</a> on your desk, you won’t. But 5- 4- 3- 2- 1- GO, and you can force yourself to start working on it. If you don’t feel worthy, you’ll decide not to tell him what you really think. But 5- 4- 3- 2- 1- GO, and you can make yourself say it. If you don’t learn how to untangle your feelings from your actions, you’ll never unlock your true potential.



Here’s how feelings keep you from changing: When you stop to consider how you feel, you stop moving toward your goal. Once you hesitate, you’ll start thinking about what you need to do, you’ll weigh the pros and cons, you’ll consider how you feel about what you need to do and you’ll talk yourself out of doing it.



You aren’t battling your ability to stick to a diet, execute a business plan, repair a broken marriage, rebuild your life, hit your sales goals or win over a bad manager. You are battling your feelings about doing it. You are more than capable of doing the work to change anything for the better, despite how you feel.



You can’t control how you feel. But you can always choose how you act. Do you ever wonder how professional athletes achieve so much? Part of it is talent and practice, but another key element is a skill that we need in our lives: the ability to separate from our emotions and push our bodies and mouths to move. They might feel tired as the football game drags into the fourth quarter, but they don’t act tired. Feelings are merely suggestions, ones the greatest athletes and teams ignore. To change, you must do the same. You must ignore how you feel, and do it anyway.



Everyone struggles with their <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-do-you-overcome-self-doubt/">feelings of self-doubt</a>. That is the truth. The biggest mistake you could make is to buy into the lies your feelings are telling you. Do not wait to act until you feel like it.



***



Let’s go back to that meeting where Christine has a decision to make. In the past, as soon as she felt uncertain, she would have looked down at her notepad, said nothing, and in five seconds, the moment would have been over. If one of her colleagues raised a similar idea (as colleagues often do), she’d spend the afternoon beating herself up for not speaking up.



But today Christine does something different. She dreads what she is about to do and she can feel the five-second window closing as her own brain fights her. Her stomach is in knots as she applies the rule.



She starts counting backward silently in her head to quiet the self-doubt and switch the gears in her brain. The counting interrupts her normal pattern of behavior, distracts her from her fears and creates a moment of deliberate action. By asserting control in that moment, she activates her prefrontal cortex so that she can drive her thoughts and actions. Then she opens her mouth and says, “I have an idea.”



Everyone turns and looks at her, and Christine feels like she might just die right there. She forces herself to keep moving forward. She sits up a little taller, takes up a little more space by sliding her elbows wider across the table, and shares her idea.



Everyone listened to her idea, asked a few questions, and her boss says, “Thanks, Christine. Very interesting suggestion. Anyone else?” On the outside, nothing earth-shattering happened, but on the inside something life-changing did. She discovered <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-hack-your-courage/">the courage she needed</a> to become the person she always wanted to be at work—a rock star.



What Christine said wasn’t the point. It’s that she said anything at all that makes this moment powerful. Sharing her idea for a social media campaign changed something way more important than a company’s marketing strategy. It changed Christine. It not only changed how she behaved, but it also changed how she viewed herself. It even changed her mindset. This is how you <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/11-secrets-to-feeling-more-confident/">build confidence</a>—one five-second move at a time.



She used the rule to reach deep inside of herself and find a little courage. By speaking up, when normally she’d hold back, Christine proved to herself that she was good enough and smart enough to contribute ideas at work.



It was a small but monumental step. And it took courage. The rule is how she took a risk and was able to apply the advice that we all know works. It was how she leaned in as Sheryl Sandberg urges, outsmarted the lizard brain as Seth Godin implores, acted like an original as Adam Grant, Ph.D., champions, and dared greatly as Brené Brown, Ph.D., empowers us to do.



The rule is a tool that creates immediate behavior change. That’s exactly how Christine used it. By being deliberate, she was able to beat the feelings that normally stopped her and become more assertive in her career. The more she uses the rule to express her ideas, the more confident she will become.



Confidence is a skill that you build through action. <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2018/02/conversation-wilson" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Social psychologist Timothy Wilson</a> writes about a psychological intervention that dates back to Aristotle: “Do good, be good.” It’s premised on changing people’s behavior first, which in turn changes their self-perception of the kind of person they are based on the kinds of things they do.



This is precisely why the 5 Second Rule is your ally. It is a tool for action and for behavioral change aligned with your goals and commitments. It is not a tool for thinking, and at the end of the day, you are going to need to do more than think if you want to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/if-you-want-to-change-your-life-change-what-you-think/">change your life</a>.



Wilson clearly agrees. He has said, “Our minds aren’t stupid. It’s not like you can just tell your mind, Think positively. You’ve got to nudge it a little more along.” I believe you must do more than nudge. You must push right through the feelings that stop you and do the work to break the habits that hold you back. Then you need to replace every one of these <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/could-this-wearable-device-cure-your-bad-habits/">destructive habits</a> with a habit of courage.



At the next meeting, Christine will need to practice everyday courage. She will have something to say, and she’ll feel uncertain and uncomfortable. She will doubt herself as she is about to share her ideas, and then she’ll hesitate and feel herself resist. That’s the push moment. It’s a moment when your values and goals will align, but your feelings will tell you no. Christine will need to use the 5 Second Rule to push herself to speak.



The more she uses the rule, the faster she will break her habit of staying silent in meetings and replace it with a new habit: courage. The more Christine is able to express her true self and bring out the ideas inside of her, the more alive, connected and empowered she’ll become.



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-if-you-re-afraid-count-down-5-4-3-2-1-then-act-brave">If you’re afraid, count down, 5- 4- 3- 2- 1, then act brave.</h3>



If you’re afraid, count down, 5- 4- 3- 2- 1, then act brave. At the heart of everyday courage is a choice. Five seconds at a time you make a decision to do, say or pursue what’s truly important to you. That’s why there’s such a tight bond between courage and confidence. Every time you face doubt and 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 right past it, you prove to yourself that you are capable. Every time that you beat fear and 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 to do it anyway, you display inner strength. Every time you 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 and smash your excuses, you honor the <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-rewrite-old-stories-and-achieve-your-greatness/">greatness inside of you</a> that wants to be heard.



That’s how confidence grows—one small, courageous move at a time.



This article originally appeared in the February 2017 issue of<a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/catalog/category/view/id/1318" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"> SUCCESS magazine</a> and has been updated. Photo by @dbpicado/Twenty20

In the next five seconds, Christine will either decide to say nothing, a pattern that’s become a habit of hers at work, or she will find the courage to speak up.

In the next five seconds, Christine will either decide to say nothing, a pattern that’s become a habit of hers at work, or she will find the courage to speak up. | SUCCESS

It Only Takes 5 Seconds to Change Your Life | SUCCESS

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We asked the coach, speaker, author, CNN analyst and SUCCESS columnist to share everything you need to know about overcoming egg-on-your-face embarrassment.

We asked the coach, speaker, author, CNN analyst and SUCCESS columnist to share everything you need to know about overcoming egg-on-your-face embarrassment. | SUCCESS

The Mel Robbins Guide to Screwing Up

The Mel Robbins Guide to Screwing Up | SUCCESS

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Time Is Your Most Valuable Resource—Don’t Waste It

Success

Success Archives

Success | SUCCESS | What Achievers Read

We live in a remarkable time. We have an infinite wealth of information, connections and resources at our fingertips, thanks to the internet and smartphones. But what we don’t have is an abundance of time or unlimited attention spans, both of which are scarce resources. They are extremely valuable to you, to marketers and to social media platforms.



When you start treating your attention as your most valuable resource, you’ll protect it. Learning how to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-eliminate-distractions">budget your attention</a> is an essential skill in the Attention Economy. What’s the Attention Economy? It’s the world we live in.



Your phone, the apps you use and every website you visit are designed to capture and hold your attention. Media companies write scary headlines on purpose. Everyone says they want more positive news, but we know from decades of data that you pay attention only when there’s controversy, uncertainty or tragedy.



Media companies know this and use it to their advantage. Headlines that trigger feelings of uncertainty make you look. That’s why we write them that way. And when we have your attention, we make money. And guess who loses? <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/4-things-you-need-to-achieve-your-wildest-dreams">Your dreams</a>.



Consider the real reason you check your phone more than 150 times a day on average: It’s a principle called random rewards, and it also explains why people keep pulling a slot machine lever over and over. Because every once in a while when you look again, you might get a winner (or a good email) so you keep checking in case there’s a random surprise waiting for you.



If you want the best of everything in life, the skill of eliminating what you don’t want is critical.



Start by asking yourself a simple question: Do you use your phone as a tool to advance your goals and make money, or is your phone using you?



Remind yourself that you are the product and your attention is being sold.



Every time you catch yourself mindlessly scrolling through your Facebook News Feed, remind yourself that you are the product and your attention is being sold. Remember that Facebook makes money on all of the ads you see.



And it goes beyond social media platforms. Every moment of every day there is something begging for your attention: emails to reply to, texts to send, phone calls to answer, pop-up ads to sit through.



My favorite way to make my attention valuable is to protect the first hour of my day at all costs. When I wake up, I don’t look at my phone, log on to my computer or turn on the TV. I refuse to give these devices my attention. Instead I turn my attention to the things that matter to me most: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/why-exercise-makes-us-happy">exercising</a> and getting my children ready for school. This one habit has <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/it-only-takes-5-seconds-to-change-your-life">created so much control in my life</a>.



<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/7JltnDud5yg" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>



In today’s world, your attention is being bought and sold all day long and it’s making a lot of companies a lot of money. If you want to create abundance in your life, it’s time to guard it as your most precious resource.



This article originally appeared in the May 2017 issue of SUCCESS magazine. Photo by Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

Every moment of every day there is something begging for your attention.

Every moment of every day there is something begging for your attention. | SUCCESS

Time Is Your Most Valuable Resource—Don’t Waste It | SUCCESS

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Let me guess: Hearing the words, “We need to talk” from a boss, partner or friend sends you into panic mode. If you hate hearing about the things you’ve done wrong and the mistakes you’ve made, you’re not alone. But it’s a catch-22. We don’t like being criticized, but honest feedback is one of the most valuable tools we have for self-improvement.
Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-react-to-negative-feedback-at-work">How to React to Negative Feedback at Work</a>
Criticism hurts for a reason, and the explanation lies in neuroscience. In order to keep us alive, our brains have evolved to react much more strongly to negative things. The brain has evolved this way for a good reason: to keep us safe. Just as 20,000 years ago, the brain was trying to keep hunter-gatherers safe from warring tribes, your brain reacts the same way to a critical comment from your spouse or boss.
But just because that <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-overcome-the-fear-of-feedback">negative feedback</a> hurts, should your partner have avoided giving it? And should you avoid doing the same?
No way—as long as you put a little bit of thought into it.
<img class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__39346 img__view_mode__full" style="width: 75%;" src="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/legacy/sites/default/files/istock-577629518.png" alt="How to Use Criticism to Your Advantage" />
Research from the University of Michigan shows that the right dose of constructive criticism is actually one of the biggest factors in predicting a high-performing team. And research from John Gottman, Ph.D., a top relationship researcher, also found there’s a sweet spot for how much criticism helps <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/the-secret-to-a-happy-thriving-marriage-communication">keep relationships alive</a>.
Both teams of researchers arrived at a similar conclusion: In order to keep a relationship or work team performing well, five or six positive interactions were needed for every one criticism or negative interaction.
Criticism, when delivered thoughtfully, helps teams perform better and helps people improve their behavior. It also wakes people up and makes them realize they can’t be complacent. If people on your team are doing a terrible job, they deserve to know so they can improve their work. And if your partner is acting in a way that upsets you, he or she should know why.
Keeping this research in mind, here are a few tips for <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/12-rules-for-giving-negative-feedback">delivering criticism</a>.

<h3 class="START-UP_StartUp---Body-">• Think about your motives. </h3>
Are you criticizing someone because you’re in a bad mood or you want to put him or her down? Stop, take a deep breath and walk away. Criticism based on <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-control-your-anger">anger and contempt</a> will only lead to destruction of the relationship.

<h3 class="START-UP_StartUp---Body-">• Never attack the person.</h3>
Instead, criticize the action. Do your best to separate the behavior and the person. Don’t attack the person’s character; focus on the behavior. This allows the person to consider the feedback without feeling as defensive.

<h3>• Deliver one piece of criticism at a time.</h3>
The late Clifford Nass, Ph.D., a researcher at Stanford University, discovered that people can take in only one critical comment at a time. Pick only the most important thing to share.
Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/3-rules-for-giving-positive-purposeful-criticism">3 Rules for Giving Positive, Purposeful Criticism</a>

This article originally appeared in the February 2018 issue of SUCCESS magazine.

Never attack the person. Criticize the action.

Never attack the person. Criticize the action. | SUCCESS

How to Use Criticism to Your Advantage

How to Use Criticism to Your Advantage | SUCCESS

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https://youtu.be/IaBg1XzDnSU

Have you ever just felt like sh*t? Mel Robbins has. “In 2008, my husband’s restaurant business started going under, and it took our house, our entire life savings and almost our marriage with it…. At the time, I was also unemployed and I was facing an issue where I just felt like sh*t about myself,” she tells the audience at SUCCESS Live Long Beach. “The alarm would go off in the morning and all I could think about were all the things that were wrong with my life.”

Then, one night, she saw a commercial with a rocket ship launching and thought, That’s it, that’s the answer. She made the decision that the next morning, instead of hitting the snooze button over and over, she would rocket out of that bed like a rocket ship. “I’m going to move so fast that I cannot talk myself out of getting up.” And she did. Just by counting backward, 5-4-3-2-1… GO. She calls it the 5 Second Rule.

For Mel, it’s her secret to beating self-doubt, to gaining greater confidence. It changed her life. And it can change yours, too.
Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/it-only-takes-5-seconds-to-change-your-life">It Only Takes 5 Seconds to Change Your Life</a>

MEL ROBBINS HIGH-FIVES THE CROWD AT SUCCESS LIVE IN LONG BEACH (COBA IMAGES)

<h3 align="center">“Look, if I find myself in a situation where I know what I should do but I don’t feel like doing it, I’m going to use a stupid rule.” —Mel Robbins</h3>

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Explore more SUCCESS Talks videos by topic on SUCCESS magazine"s YouTube Channel, featuring thought-leaders, authors, entrepreneurs and respected researchers in the fields of human psychology, brain health, relationships and more, who share the tried-and-true tenets of human achievement and success.

Running time: 46:00

Filmed September 2017 at <a href="https://www.successliveevent.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">SUCCESS Live</a> in Long Beach

Have you ever just felt like sh*t? Mel Robbins has. “In 2008, her husband’s restaurant business started going under, and it took their house, their entire life | SUCCESS

How to Beat Self-Doubt in 5 Seconds

How to Beat Self-Doubt in 5 Seconds | SUCCESS

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https://youtu.be/PWE4haP88Gw

Author, speaker and SUCCESS contributing editor Mel Robbins candidly discusses why “a stupid little trick,” as she describes it, changed the trajectory of her life and shares the overwhelming reaction people have had to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/how-to-stop-screwing-yourself-over">her first TEDx Talk in 2011</a>, which introduced us to “<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/it-only-takes-5-seconds-to-change-your-life">The 5 Second Rule.</a>” "I started counting backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and then all of a sudden I stood up and I was like,  "What the hell just happened?"" Robbins says. One man"s reaction brings Mel to tears as she reads his emotional social media message to her, saying the five second rule helped prevent him from committing suicide.
<blockquote>"This was my secret weapon for a long time and I never intended on sharing it with anybody." Mel Robbins
Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/the-science-behind-the-5-second-rule">The Science Behind the 5 Second Rule</a>
</blockquote>
Filmed April 2017 at <a href="https://www.successliveevent.com/">SUCCESS Live</a> in Dallas. Running time: 22:42

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Browse more curated videos on SUCCESS magazine"s YouTube Channel  and new SUCCESS Talks section, featuring thought-leaders, authors, entrepreneurs and respected researchers in the fields of human psychology, brain health, relationships and more, who share the tried-and-true tenets of human achievement and success.

Mel Robbins candidly discusses why “a stupid little trick,” as she describes it, changed the trajectory of her life and shares the overwhelming reaction of p...

Mel Robbins candidly discusses why “a stupid little trick,” as she describes it, changed the trajectory of her life and shares the overwhelming reaction of p... | SUCCESS

The 5 Second Trick That Saved This Man’s Life

The 5 Second Trick That Saved This Man’s Life | SUCCESS

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That’s it, you tell yourself. This time I’m doing it. For&nbsp;real!

Related:&nbsp;<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/it-only-takes-5-seconds-to-change-your-life">It Only Takes 5 Seconds to Change Your Life</a>
</div>
</div>

Fed up, you make yet another commitment to yourself: Start that business, hit the gym, save more money, stop dating losers or get serious about your future.

You know you need to do it. For some reason, though, it feels impossible to muster the energy to simply get started. Don’t worry; it’s not just in your head. Getting started is hard. The secret to building and maintaining momentum lies in science.

In chemistry, you need a big burst of initial energy to start a chemical reaction. This explosion of energy is called activation energy. What does it have to do with your personal goals? Everything.

New habits and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/6-mindset-shifts-that-will-improve-your-life">a new mindset</a> will require a personal explosion. You’ll never feel like it; you’ll never be ready; there is no right time. Suck it up, give yourself a push and get started. Once you’ve started, it’s easy to flame out—unless you know the science-backed tricks for maintaining momentum.

<h2 class="START-UP_StartUp---Body-">1. Do something tiny every day.</h2>

This idea comes from BJ Fogg, a Stanford University researcher. When you set the bar low, it’s easier to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/3-unconventional-traits-you-need-to-achieve-your-goals">stick to your goals</a>. If you’ve just started trying to get back in shape, for example, forget the long workout. Instead do five minutes on the treadmill and five pushups a day. I transformed my health by simply walking for 10 minutes every day. I didn’t have an hour, but I could always find 10 minutes. When you start with something easy, you’ll see yourself win and you’ll keep going.

<h2 class="START-UP_StartUp---Body-">2. Progress must be celebrated.</h2>

Making progress in small ways doesn’t always feel like it’s making a big difference. But research from Harvard University Business School discovered that recognizing your small progress every day is <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/podcast/ep-24-the-daily-habits-of-the-most-productive-people">the key to productivity</a> and happiness. To make the effect even greater, reward yourself—but only in ways that actually further your goals. Topping off a 5-mile run with a bowl of ice cream is different than rewarding yourself with a deep-tissue massage.

<h2 class="START-UP_StartUp---Body-">3. Focus on the smaller number.</h2>

You can measure progress by how much you’ve done or how much you still have left to do. A study from the University of Chicago discovered that <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/13-life-rules-to-keep-you-motivated">you’ll be way more motivated</a> if you focus on the smaller of two numbers. For example, focus on the 3 pounds you’ve already lost, not the 17 more to go. Each new action feels even more impactful when compared to a smaller number.

<h2 class="START-UP_StartUp---Body-">4. Keep a “did it” list.</h2>

My son’s school uses a program called “Track My Progress” for measuring homework completion rates, and every day he can see how he’s improving. It works like magic to keep him engaged. This week, try keeping your own “did it” list. It’s the opposite of a to-do list. Fill it with every single small task you complete. Keep it in a visible place. Research proves that seeing your progress and how much you have completed will inspire you to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/podcast/ep-26-how-to-push-yourself-to-greatness">keep pushing</a>.

Remember, it’s all science. You need a big explosion to start a change, but it’s the tiny moves forward that will make a lasting difference.

Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/4-science-backed-habits-to-make-you-more-successful">4 Science-Backed Habits to Make You More Successful</a>

&nbsp;

This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/by-media/success-magazine-june-2017-dave-ramsey.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">June 2017 issue of SUCCESS magazine</a>.

No 1. Do something small every day. | SUCCESS

4 Ways to Maintain Momentum

4 Ways to Maintain Momentum | SUCCESS

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https://youtu.be/MrZAGVq25zw

Your brain is constantly playing tricks on you. The hesitation, procrastination and feelings of overwhelm it creates are designed to keep you safe—but playing it safe means you’ll never grow into the person you want to become.

So what do you do when your brain is working against you? You hijack the system. You take control of your mind to master your thoughts. You can use <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/it-only-takes-5-seconds-to-change-your-life">the 5 Second Rule</a>, a mind hack Mel Robbins uses to stop the brain from fighting decisions. Robbins describes using the rule to boost confidence, fight anxiety and increase productivity in her new book, <a href="https://amzn.to/3I39FBz" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The 5 Second Rule </a>(available Feb. 28).
<h3 class="rtecenter">“When you start counting five, four, three, two, one—you awaken your prefrontal cortex. You begin the process of changing. You push yourself in a new direction,” Robbins says.</h3>
Backed by science, the 5 Second Rule is a way to make new habits stick, Robbins says. In this video, check out these five psychological principles that give the simple countdown its incredible power.

Why five-second decisions can change your life

Your brain is constantly playing tricks on you. but playing it safe means you’ll never grow into the person you want to become. The 5 Second Rule is a way... | SUCCESS

The Science Behind the 5 Second Rule

The Science Behind the 5 Second Rule | SUCCESS

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In her new book, <a href="https://amzn.to/2dGcSfN" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage</a>, Mel Robbins shares the small but powerful mental trick she created that made a huge impact in her life.

“This is the true story of the 5 Second Rule. What it is, why it works and how people around the world are using it to change their lives in five simple seconds,” Robbins says. “The 5 Second Rule is a blueprint for taking action that’s simple to use, easy to remember, and actually works (it’s backed by science).”

&nbsp;

<h3 align="center">If you can count 5-4-3-2-1… you can have everything you want.</h3>

&nbsp;

It only takes one moment of courage to change your day, and one day can change your life.

“Courage is a birthright,” Robbins says. “It’s inside all of us. And it’s waiting for you to discover it.”

<h4>Download Chapter 1: “Five Seconds to Change Your Life”</h4>

Pre-order the book at <a href="https://amzn.to/2dGcSfN" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Amazon</a> and other bookstores.

&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Related: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/SUCCESSmagazine/videos/10155019526103555/">Facebook Live Q&amp;A with Mel Robbins</a>

In her new book, The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage, Mel Robbins shares the small but powerful mental

In her new book, The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage, Mel Robbins shares the small but powerful mental | SUCCESS

5 Seconds to Change Your Life

5 Seconds to Change Your Life | SUCCESS

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A year ago, when I decided to begin writing my book <a href="https://amzn.to/2dGcSfN" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The 5 Second Rule</a>, I held incredibly high standards for myself. I&nbsp;was convinced the only way my book would be a success is if it were perfect. As in the greatest thing ever written. No exceptions.

In my honest desire to create something special, I foolishly fell into the trap of perfection paralysis. Perhaps you’ve experienced this, too.

Perfection paralysis is a trick your mind plays on you in an attempt to keep you safe. Whenever you are about to put a piece of yourself into the world (say by starting a new business or asking someone out on a date) you form an idea of it in your mind first.

When I began writing my book, I pictured myself sitting at my kitchen table with <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/top-of-mind-5-ways-to-get-ideas-flowing">ideas pouring out</a> perfectly onto the blank page. I&nbsp;saw myself enjoying and loving every moment of the writing process and writing every waking moment of my day. I envisioned a flawless manuscript that was received with only glowing reviews and praise from fans.

It was all perfect in my mind, which caused problems. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/relishing-an-imperfect-life">Real life isn’t perfect.</a> There were times when I would sit at my kitchen table and the ideas wouldn’t come. There were some days when I didn’t want to write at all. When I started sharing my first draft manuscript with people I respected, it wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine.

Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/5-ways-perfectionism-is-getting-in-your-way">5 Ways Perfectionism Is Getting in Your Way</a>

My dreams of literary perfection came crashing to a halt and so did my progress on the book. In fact, I rewrote it from scratch, twice. I felt miserable.

It wasn’t until my business partner told me there has probably never been a book released without an error that I recognized where I&nbsp;had gone wrong.

Her comment reminded me of an important principle from the science of systems and software design: the good-enough principle. The principle states that most consumers will use products that are good enough, even if there are more technically advanced options available to them.

This means that in most areas of life, good enough really is good enough. True success is <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/9-ways-to-achieve-your-biggest-goals-quickly">progress toward goals</a> that matter to you.

When you strive for perfection, you are bound to fail, and this can lead to even more self-criticism, turning your mind into your enemy. It’s no wonder perfectionism is linked to numerous negative health effects, including higher rates of anxiety, depression, unhappiness and eating disorders. One study shows perfectionists are 51 percent more likely to die at an earlier age.

By calling on the good-enough principle to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/ask-these-questions-to-reframe-your-perspective-on-life">reframe your perspective</a>, you are giving yourself permission to fail. Trust me: You’ll fail at something along the way. It is only when the pressure of perfection has been removed that you can tap into your inner genius and do your best&nbsp;work.

Next time you find yourself stalling out on an important project, suffering from writer’s block or avoiding asking your cute co-worker out to dinner, remember the good-enough principle, and give yourself permission to try.

Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/what-to-do-when-you-feel-stuck">What to Do When You Feel Stuck</a>

&nbsp;

This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/catalog/category/view/id/1318" target="_blank" rel="noopener">March 2017 issue of SUCCESS magazine</a>.

By calling on the good-enough principle to reframe your perspective, you are giving yourself permission to fail.

By calling on the good-enough principle to reframe your perspective, you are giving yourself permission to fail. | SUCCESS

The Secret to Ending Perfection Paralysis

The Secret to Ending Perfection Paralysis | SUCCESS

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I grew up cheering for the Detroit Pistons, but even I can admit Kobe Bryant was one of the greatest NBA players of all time. The fascinating part? He wasn’t born gifted. He’s an exceptionally hard worker. One trainer recounted how Bryant would exercise from 4:15 to 7 a.m. and then play basketball until the team’s practice at 11 a.m. Yes, Bryant trained for seven hours before practice even began.
Once he had five NBA championships under his belt, Bryant would still engage in grueling four-hour workouts on game days.
It’s easy to look at the masters in any field—be it Bryant, Mozart or Oprah—and credit their skills to genetics, innate abilities and hours of practice. But research on the science of peak performance has shown that it’s not just talent and hours of practice that lead to expertise. Instead it’s the type of practice one does. We can all reach mastery-level greatness through <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/success-takes-time-and-hard-work-follow-these-5-steps-to-stick-with-it-to-the-end">hard work</a>, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-how-to-start-a-new-discipline">discipline</a> and something called deliberate practice, or the process of understanding your weaknesses and then making considerable efforts to learn the skills you lack.
Related:&nbsp;<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/are-you-willing-to-do-whatever-it-takes">Are You Willing to Do Whatever It Takes?</a>
To improve at anything, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/5-ways-stepping-outside-my-comfort-zone-made-me-a-better-person">you must push yourself beyond your comfort zone</a>. When you put sustained effort toward improving your weaknesses, you will grow. This is the logic behind deliberate practice, a research-backed tool introduced by researcher Anders&nbsp;Ericsson.
For the past 30 years, Ericsson has studied the masters. His research has shown that how you practice matters much more than how much you practice. Experts become great by focusing on improving their weaknesses. Many people focus only on practicing things they can do effortlessly, but this never leads to improvement. Working hard just to work hard will exhaust you. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/top-of-mind-why-you-should-always-keep-improving">Working hard for the purpose of improving</a> is the secret to success.
Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/ted-talks-8-secrets-of-success">‘8 Secrets of Success’</a>
Another important factor of deliberate practice is constant feedback. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/measure-your-progress-to-achieve-your-goals">You must monitor your progress</a> so you can make adjustments. Without feedback, you won’t know how to improve. Reach out to others in your field and ask for criticism and advice.
Measuring your progress is also a key component of deliberate practice. Bryant measured his progress in many ways, such as counting the number of baskets he made daily. Every single day, he forced himself to make 400 shots. He never allowed himself to stop improving, even as his fame increased. You can measure anything: the number of cold calls you make, the pace you run or the amount of times you pitch your business.
Just like Bryant, you can incorporate deliberate practice into your own life with these steps.

<h3 class="START-UP_StartUp---Body-">1. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-4-tips-for-setting-powerful-goals">Identify your goals</a> and write them down. Research shows writing down your goals will help you complete 33 percent more of them.</h3>
<h3 class="START-UP_StartUp---Body-">2. Identify your weakest link and what is keeping you from achieving your goals.</h3>
<h3 class="START-UP_StartUp---Body-">3. Purposely and deliberately work on improving this skill.</h3>
<h3 class="START-UP_StartUp---Body-">4. Seek feedback from others.</h3>
<h3 class="START-UP_StartUp---Body-">5. Push yourself to show up and do it again and again.</h3>
Bryant wasn’t born a great NBA player. But by using deliberate practice, he became a master. And you know what? You can, too.
Related:&nbsp;<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/podcast/ep-26-how-to-push-yourself-to-greatness">How to Push Yourself to Greatness</a>

This article originally appeared in the <a href="https://store.successcom.wpenginepowered.com/catalog/category/view/id/1318" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">January 2017 issue of SUCCESS magazine</a>.

Is greatness inherited at birth or bred through hard work?

Is greatness inherited at birth or bred through hard work? | SUCCESS

5 Deliberate Steps to Master a Skill

5 Deliberate Steps to Master a Skill | SUCCESS

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happy couple who have put each other first in marriage

Trends &amp; Insights

Trends &amp; Insights Archives

Trends &amp; Insights | SUCCESS | What Achievers Read

The former E! News reporter, Giuliana Rancic, said putting her husband first and her baby second is the <a href="https://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-moms/news/giuliana-rancic-we-put-our-marriage-first-and-our-child-second-2013272/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">secret to her happy marriage</a>. I couldn’t agree more with putting your spouse first. But, as you might suspect, controversy happened online as some women came out on attack and others defended her comments. I was invited to appear on <a href="https://www.goodmorningamerica.com/news/video/giuliana-rancics-controversial-secrets-happy-marriage-husband-baby-18628290" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Good Morning America</a> to defend Rancic.



If you watch the segment, you’ll meet two female bloggers who say the kids always come first and then laugh about where their spouses fall on the list: “If you asked me, actually, what the breakdown was, I would say it goes my children, my girlfriends, then my husband. But shh, don’t tell him that, he doesn’t know that.” And then they laugh like it’s all a big joke.



I bet her husband‘s breakdown is the same: my children, my girlfriends and then my wife… but don’t tell her, she doesn’t know it because she’s too busy focusing on her kids, her friends and herself. Marriage isn’t a joke. If you put your spouse last, it’s a tragic, sad affair.&nbsp;



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-why-putting-your-spouse-first-is-important">Why putting your spouse first is important</h2>



My husband Chris and I have been together for 27 years. Like yours may be, our lives are consumed by the logistics of running a household, managing careers and caring for our three kids and a dog. Like yours may be, our lives are impossibly busy. And, like you, we love our kids. Our marriage provides the foundation for everything that we’ve built together. It isn’t a joke. It’s something we work hard at and are tremendously proud of. I want it to last a lifetime, which is why I treat it accordingly. If you stop and think about it, that’s the way it should be. You should put your marriage first because:



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-a-strong-marriage-is-the-healthiest-thing-you-can-give-your-kids">A strong marriage is the healthiest thing you can give your kids.&nbsp;</h3>



When your kids see two parents who work as a team, take interest in each other, make an effort, display both respect and affection, act like one another’s favorite and have <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/17-things-every-strong-relationship-has-in-common/">a strong relationship</a>, even after all these years, you may not only be providing a boost of love and emotional support, but also a roadmap for their future relationships.



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-if-you-put-your-spouse-first-your-marriage-will-last-your-lifetime">If you put your spouse first, your marriage will last your lifetime.&nbsp;</h3>



If you want your marriage to last your lifetime, give it <a href="https://www.brides.com/marriage-secrets-from-married-couples-5184605" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">the attention and effort</a> it deserves. Your kids will live with you for just a few short decades. Putting your marriage on cruise control for 20 or so years while you focus on your kids is like falling asleep at the wheel—deadly. When your kids leave, your spouse is the one who’s left. If you’ve made them your last priority (and think it’s funny to do so), they’d be dumb to stay with you.



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-spouses-aren-t-roommates-they-re-partners-and-lovers">Spouses aren’t roommates, they’re partners and lovers.&nbsp;</h3>



When your kids become the center of your universe, your role as a spouse takes a backseat. Slowly, you may start to feel like a taxi driver, lunch packer and homework checker. You and your spouse may become so busy or stressed <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/take-control-of-your-relationships/">focusing on everything but each other</a> that you drift apart. At first you just feel really busy, but then you may settle into that routine assuming it’s a phase—that everything will go back to normal once the kids are gone. And you’re right, it is a phase—it’s the beginning of the end. If the stress doesn’t get to you first, suddenly the kids are gone, and you can’t remember why you married each other in the first place.



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-you-don-t-want-to-raise-obnoxious-kids">You don’t want to raise obnoxious kids.&nbsp;</h3>



When you <a href="https://www.verywellfamily.com/are-you-overindulging-your-child-621106" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">make kids the center of your universe</a>, they may begin to think they are the center of the universe.



<h3 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-don-t-you-want-your-kids-to-grow-up-and-have-a-spouse-who-puts-them-first">Don’t you want your kids to grow up and have a spouse who puts them first?&nbsp;</h3>



Of course you do! And, it's your job to teach them what that looks like. Show them with your marriage first.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-how-to-put-your-spouse-first">How to put your spouse first</h2>



Putting your marriage first is actually really easy. All you have to do is to find small ways to make your spouse feel cherished. You probably already do this to your dog, so just follow that philosophy: Treat your spouse like the dog, only better. Greet them at the door, always be happy to see them (wag your tail), go for walks every day, reward good behavior several times a day with a treat, give lots of physical affection every day (pet the dog) and don’t hold grudges (you don’t punish a dog for weeks on end for pooping once in the house, so don’t be mad at your spouse for something they said last week). Other suggestions include:



<ul>
<li>Bring them coffee every morning.</li>



<li>Hug and hold hands, often.</li>



<li>Text/flirt throughout the day (reminders such as “just thinking about you xo”)</li>



<li>Make your bedroom a no-kids zone—explain to the kids that it’s “your space.”</li>



<li>Say, “I love you,” in front of the kids, daily.</li>



<li>Plan the week as a family every Sunday to make logistics a minimum. Manage your family like it’s a team but you’re the star players. A friend of mine calls it “steering the ship”—the family may all be on the same cruise liner, but you and your spouse are the ones driving it.</li>
</ul>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-a-good-example-of-putting-your-spouse-first">A good example of putting your spouse first</h2>



It’s simple stuff if you think about it. Honestly, it’s just about your focus. Life is busy. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/what-happened-when-i-ditched-technology-for-7-days">Technology overwhelms us</a>. When you throw in kids, pets, work, friends, etc, you have to prioritize—you cannot do it all. Declaring your spouse as your No. 1 priority is the first step, and from there it’s pretty simple. My mom and dad have been married for more than 50 years. To this day, I remember that, when dad would come home, he’d hug mom first and the dog would start barking at their embrace because he was so jealous.



I remember that we’d have to wait to have dinner until he got home from work, no matter how late it was. Even at a young age, I knew that we weren’t waiting because they wanted us to all be together, it was because they wanted to be together. I also remember how he told her he loved her every day and kissed her before he left for work. They modeled <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-8-most-important-qualities-of-a-healthy-marriage/">a marriage that I wanted</a>. I wanted to be the most important thing in my husband’s life, and vice versa. I never felt a lack of love, just the opposite—I was surrounded by it. And I knew my dad loved me, but I knew he loved my mom most. And that’s how it should be.



This article was updated August 2023. Photo by Inside Creative House/Shutterstock

Want to know the secret to a happy marriage? It's putting your spouse first. Here's why, how to do it and how it benefits other relationships.

Want to know the secret to a happy marriage? It's putting your spouse first. Here's why, how to do it and how it benefits other relationships. | SUCCESS

What's the Secret to a Happy Marriage? Putting Your Spouse First

What&#8217;s the Secret to a Happy Marriage? Putting Your Spouse First

Putting Your Spouse First Is the Secret to a Happy Marriage | SUCCESS

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