Communication is an important skill that helps leaders achieve success in their careers, businesses, and personal lives and navigate conflict. Strong leaders use communication to influence those they lead without micromanaging their actions.
Former hostage negotiator George Kohlrieser witnessed this firsthand in his career, which has involved being held hostage, having scissors held to his throat, being shot at and having two knives drawn on him. “Thank God I’m alive, and that’s because of language. That’s because of words,” he says.
Kohlrieser used words intentionally throughout his first career and now uses them to teach communication skills to leaders, both as a distinguished professor at the International Institute for Management Development business school and as the author of Hostage at the Table. His experiences have taught him that communication skills are essential for advancing in life and business, creating success, building teams and not becoming a psychological hostage.
Here are seven tips from a former hostage negotiator on how to build trust, decrease conflict and develop communication skills that can help you negotiate advancement, build relationships and create success in your professional and personal life.
1. Observe others to communicate more effectively
Observation is an essential leadership skill that can help you pick up on nonverbal communication cues, understand others better and communicate from an informed place. Taking a few moments to observe your emotions before communicating can also help you address conflict internally and externally.
Kohlrieser grew up on a farm and often watched his father and grandfather start conversations with anyone. “They would talk to people of different political persuasions, different ideas, and I grew up wanting to be a peacemaker [as a result],” he says. He started mediating at a young age, observing and asking himself questions about the people and situations around him. Through this, he observed effective communication.
When Kohlrieser grew up, he took his observations with him to college, first at the University of Dayton and then at The Ohio State University, where he received a doctorate in psychology and mediation. He then became a psychotherapist, focusing on violence and conflict management.
He was later hired as a hostage negotiator for the Dayton, Ohio, sheriff’s department and worked there for 10 years, which is where he was held hostage four times. Through this experience, Kohlrieser witnessed the power of effective communication and its connection to emotions and conflict.
“Emotions are such a part of conflict—it’s incredible. So that became my focus: conflict management,” Kohlrieser says. “I realized hostage negotiators are really good leaders… because they influence. They don’t tell people that they have to give up their hostages, and they get a 95% success rate by the FBI measurements.… That’s a pretty good success record [for] not telling people what to do but giving them [a] choice.”
2. Create a bond, look for the pain point, and offer concessions
Kohlrieser uses this three-step framework to build trust, decrease conflict and negotiate anything:
- Create a bond: Bonding creates an emotional attachment and a place where negotiation is possible, both professionally and personally. This is true “even if they’re an enemy, even if they’re an adversary,” Kohlrieser says.
- Understand the pain point: To resolve conflict and enable negotiations, you also have to “talk about pain,” he says. “Happy people don’t take hostages. It’s people who have a grievance [who do this].”
- Find a concession: According to Kohlrieser, concessions lead the way in finding hope.
“Through that three-step approach—bonding, looking for the pain point and being able to offer concessions and find hope—you get a 95% success rate,” he says.
3. Learn how to listen by paraphrasing
Paraphrasing is repeating what you heard in your own words. For example, you might say, “I understand that you’re saying this. It seems to me that you sound angry.”
Learning to label emotions helps other people recognize when they’re experiencing an emotional trigger. Paraphrasing also helps them understand what they’re feeling and how you can help. Kohlrieser adds that showing interest in the other person tends to de-escalate them.
Paraphrasing as part of effective communication demonstrates good leadership in a professional setting as well. For example, you might experience conflict with a coworker or tension with a manager in your workplace. In moments when emotions are running hot, taking the time to speak less, listen more and paraphrase what you heard can help you clarify misunderstandings and de-escalate tension.
4. Use your tone to your advantage
“Hostage negotiators go through a lot of training for voice,” Kohlrieser says. “[This includes] how to use… words, how to get out of a negative mindset, and how to be able to play, to win, or have a positive mindset to get into the right state.”
Your tone of voice plays a large role in communication. For instance, being intentional with your tone can de-escalate conflict in personal settings, such as when communicating with your children or partner. It can help in a professional setting as well, like when you’re speaking with coworkers or negotiating a promotion or business deal.
Your tone can also show authority and help you lead when others are looking for guidance and feel unsure. Think through your tone in each conversation and adjust it accordingly to achieve your desired result.
5. Feel compassion and empathy for others
According to Kohlrieser, leaders should realize that people were not born a certain way. “Serial killers, as evil as [they are], are not born that way—they became that way because of what happened to them,” he says.
Kohlrieser advises exploring what happened to others so you can better understand them and the particular situations that shaped how they became the way they are. Doing so can help you become a better leader.
He adds that leaders become toxic because they focus so hard on the outcome that they forget how to lead people. Instead, results come from inspiring others and fully engaging with them from a place of compassion and empathy.
6. Build trust
Humans are motivated and inspired by leaders they trust. As a leader, you should be a secure base for others—your employees need you to be reliable and trustworthy. This kind of trust depends on clear, direct communication.
“Leaders use terrible language,” Kohlrieser says. “[They] say the truth by being kind but respectful, but [they] put the fish on the table and go through the bloody, smelly mess of cleaning it for the great fish dinner at the end of the day. So many teams, so many leaders, beat around the bush [and] sugarcoat. They don’t say it directly.”
You can build more trust by speaking clearly, paraphrasing when you don’t understand someone, being intentional with your tone and always being honest, even when it’s hard.
Building trust can also encourage others to give you more responsibility in the workplace or clients to trust you in a business setting. The result is more opportunities for growth because of the trust you’ve built by being honest and authentic.
7. Don’t let emotions sabotage your path to success
These skills can help you decrease conflict, negotiate what you want and become a strong leader, not a psychological hostage. Without them, “you can be[come] a psychological hostage… to externals, like bosses, colleagues, situations or [your] emotions,” Kohlrieser says. “You can be hostage to yourself.”
He adds that if you struggle with shame, guilt, grief or mental health, you need to find a way to get out of those states. A great place to begin is talking to a licensed professional. To get started, you can inquire about options for therapy or other mental health help with your employer’s HR department, search for mental health help online or ask for recommendations or referrals from someone you trust.
You don’t have to battle emotions and mental health challenges in silence. In fact, addressing them can help you become a stronger leader.
Photo courtesy of George Kohlrieser
