10 Things Successful People Never Do Again

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“Never go back.” What does that mean? From observations of successful people, clinical psychologist and author of <a href="https://amzn.to/3tDNTAB" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Never Go Back: 10 Things You'll Never Do Again</a>, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/dr-henry-cloud-the-most-important-part-of-success-is-connection">Dr. Henry Cloud</a> has discovered certain “awakenings” that people have—in life and in business—that once they have them, they never go back to the old way of doing things. And when that happens, they are never the same. In short, they got it.



“Years ago, a bad business decision of mine led to an interesting discussion with my mentor,” Dr. Cloud says. “I had learned a valuable lesson the hard way, and he reassured me: ‘The good thing is once you learn that lesson, you never go back. You never do it again.’



<blockquote class="wp-block-quote">
Related:&nbsp;<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/9-things-successful-people-wont-do">9 Things Successful People Won't Do​</a>
</blockquote>



“I wondered, what are the key awakenings that successful people go through that forever change how they do things, which propel them to succeed in business, relationships, and life? I began to study these awakenings, researching them over the years.”



Although life and business have many lessons to teach us, Dr. Cloud observed 10 “doorways” of learning that <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/the-5-non-negotiable-disciplines-of-a-high-achiever">high performers</a> go through, never to return again.



Successful people never again…



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-1-return-to-what-hasn-t-worked">1. Return to what hasn’t worked.</h2>



Whether a job, or a <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/12-ways-successful-people-handle-toxic-people">broken relationship</a> that was ended for a good reason, we should never go back to the same thing, expecting different results, without something being different.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-2-do-anything-that-requires-them-to-be-someone-they-are-not">2. Do anything that requires them to be someone they are not.</h2>



In everything we do, we have to ask ourselves, Why am I doing this? Am I suited for it? Does it fit me? Is it sustainable? If the answer is no to any of these questions, you better have a very good reason to proceed.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-3-try-to-change-another-person">3. Try to change another person.</h2>



When you realize that you cannot force someone into doing something, you give him or her freedom and allow them to experience the consequences. In doing so, you find your own freedom as well.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-4-believe-they-can-please-everyone">4. Believe they can please everyone.</h2>



Once you get that it truly is impossible to please everyone, you begin to live purposefully, trying to please the right people.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-5-choose-short-term-comfort-over-long-term-benefit">5. Choose short-term comfort over long-term benefit.</h2>



Once successful people know they want something that requires a painful, time-limited step, they do not mind the painful step because it gets them to a long-term benefit. Living out this principle is one of the most fundamental differences between successful and unsuccessful people, both personally and professionally.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-6-trust-someone-or-something-that-appears-flawless">6. Trust someone or something that appears flawless.</h2>



It’s natural for us to be drawn to things and people that appear "incredible." We love excellence and should always be looking for it. We should pursue people who are great at what they do, employees who are high performers, dates who are exceptional people, friends who have stellar character and companies that excel. But when someone or something looks too good to be true, he, she or it is. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/relishing-an-imperfect-life">The world is imperfect.</a> Period. No one and no thing is without flaw, and if they appear that way, hit pause.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-7-take-their-eyes-off-the-big-picture">7. Take their eyes off the big picture.</h2>



We function better emotionally and perform better in our lives when we can see the big picture. For successful people, no one event is ever the whole story. Winners remember that—each and every day.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-8-neglect-to-do-due-diligence">8. Neglect to do due diligence.</h2>



No matter how good something looks on the outside, it is only by taking a deeper, diligent and honest look that we will find out what we truly need to know: the reality that we owe ourselves.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-9-fail-to-ask-why-they-are-where-they-find-themselves">9. Fail to ask why they are where they find themselves.</h2>



One of the biggest differences between successful people and others is that in love and in life, in relationships and in business, successful people always ask themselves, What part am I playing in this situation? Said another way, they do not see themselves as victims, even when they are.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-10-forget-that-their-inner-life-determines-their-outer-success">10. Forget that their inner life determines their outer success.</h2>



The good life sometimes has little to do with outside circumstances. We are happy and fulfilled mostly by who we are on the inside. Research validates that. And our internal lives largely contribute to producing many of our external circumstances.



And, the converse is true: People who are still trying to find success in various areas of life can almost always point to one or more of these patterns as a reason they are repeating the same mistakes.



<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/john-c-maxwell-how-to-make-the-most-of-your-mistakes">Everyone makes mistakes</a>… even the most successful people out there. But, what achievers do better than others is recognize the patterns that are causing those mistakes and never repeat them again. In short, they learn from pain—their own and the pain of others.



A good thing to remember is this: Pain is unavoidable, but repeating the same pain twice, when we could choose to learn and do something different, is certainly avoidable. I like to say, “We don’t need new ways to fail… the old ones are working just fine!” Our task, in business and in life, is to observe what they are, and never go back to doing them again



Read Next:&nbsp;<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/8-things-successful-people-never-waste-time-doing">8 Things Successful People Never Waste Time Doing</a>



Editor’s note: This post was originally published in June 2014 and has been updated. Photo by hakimihaslan/Twenty20

We all make mistakes, but the people who thrive from their mistakes are the successful ones.

We all make mistakes, but the people who thrive from their mistakes are the successful ones. | SUCCESS

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Dr. Henry Cloud is a psychologist, leadership consultant and New York Times best-selling author. His newest book is called The Power of the Other: The Startling Effect Other People Have on You, From the Boardroom to the Bedroom and Beyond—and What to Do About It.

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Henry Cloud

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In this fascinating talk about the connection between the mind and body, Dr. Henry Cloud explains why having strong relationships is the most important part of becoming successful.
Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/the-often-overlooked-ingredient-for-winning-at-life">The Often Overlooked Ingredient for Winning at Life</a>
To get to the next level, Cloud says there has to be some achiever-to-achiever bonding. If we can make our relationships better and truly share a connection to something bigger than ourselves, we might see a surge in performance.
<h3 class="rtecenter">“We internalize the software of our connections…. You can lay down new fiber optic wiring, but it’s got to be downloaded…. In our closest circles where we’re getting fuel, you don’t want to be downloading viruses.” —Dr. Henry Cloud</h3>
Related: <a href="https://www.successliveevent.com/">Hear more great speakers at the next SUCCESS Live event Sept. 8-9 in Long Beach. Get your tickets here.</a>


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Strengthen your relationships and watch your performance skyrocket.

In this fascinating talk about the connection between the mind and body, Dr. Henry Cloud explains why having strong relationships is the most important... | SUCCESS

Dr. Henry Cloud: The Most Important Part of Success Is Connection

Dr. Henry Cloud: The Most Important Part of Success Is Connection | SUCCESS

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Early in life, I learned there are two kinds of people in the world: list-makers and not. I was always in the not group because I could not understand why people needed a list to remember what to do for the day. Don’t you know you need a haircut just by looking in the mirror? But I brushed aside the thought and moved on.

Then I became a psychologist and a performance consultant and started seeing things from an entirely new perspective. First, I found there are actually four types of people, not two:
<ul>
 	<li>Those who <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/4-things-i-learned-from-keeping-weekly-lists">make lists and get things done</a></li>
 	<li>Those who make lists and don’t accomplish much</li>
 	<li>Those who don’t make lists and get things done</li>
 	<li>Those who don’t make list and don’t accomplish much</li>
</ul>
Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/11-tricks-to-actually-get-things-done-on-your-to-do-list">11 Tricks to Actually Get Things Done on Your To-Do List</a>
This led me to take a renewed interest in the world of to-do lists and what they actually do for us, or not do for us. Turns out, the list-makers were right and not right at the same time. Lists can help, or they can hurt. It has to do with both your brain and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-understand-peoples-personality-types">personality type.</a>

Basically, to-do lists provide an external tool to help your brain do what it needs in order to get things done. To accomplish anything, your brain uses something called “executive functions.” Similar to a business executive, your brain sets a goal, brings together the resources needed to get it done, executes a plan, measures how you are doing along the way to hold you accountable (<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/6-quick-tips-for-an-insanely-productive-day">are we doing this efficiently?</a>) and adapts to mistakes along the way. That basic flow gets you from here to there in any task. But in order to do that, the big categories of executive functions must be present—what the brain does to make all of those things happen so you don’t get lost. To get anything done, your brain must:
<ol>
 	<li> Attend to what is relevant</li>
 	<li> <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/4-types-of-mental-noise-you-should-ignore">Inhibit what is not relevant</a></li>
 	<li>Keep it in front of your attention until it is done</li>
</ol>
So you can see why lists are helpful to some people. They do exactly these three things, unless they don’t. And that brings us to the problem of when lists don’t work. Why do some people who don’t make lists actually accomplish a lot without them when others don’t? The accomplisher brain is able to do those three things without lists, and the list-maker is able to do them in part because of the help the list provides. What is important is not whether you use a list, but whether you are able to accomplish the three tasks listed above.

But some to-do list makers are working against themselves and their brains, and that explains why they can’t seem to get things done. A list can do two really bad things: Contain so many items that your brain is overwhelmed just by looking at it, or fail to help you <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/8-ways-to-effectively-prioritize-the-things-on-your-to-do-list">prioritize what is really important</a> and should be garnering all of your brain’s focus and attention.

That also explains some non-list maker’s successes. They are able to just keep what is important front-of-mind, and not get distracted by less important things. Some people who “wing it” actually can <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/12-work-methods-that-will-skyrocket-your-productivity">accomplish a lot</a>. The non-list makers who do not do well are probably distractible by nature, and actually would perform better with a system, such as a to-do list to stay on track.

So, let’s get practical. What do you do?

I have become a to-do list convert, in a way, so here is my advice: Make a list, but create one that aligns with how your brain works and what it needs. Remember, it needs attention on what is relevant, protection from what is not, and the ability to keep that in front of you in your working memory. Here are a few ways to help that process:
Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/organize-your-to-do-list-into-these-4-categories">Organize Your To-Do List into These 4 Categories</a>

<h2>1. Plan your day the night before if possible, or at least early in the day. </h2>
<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-it-only-takes-6-steps-to-plan-your-success">The very act of planning</a> is an executive function. It does the three things mentioned above: attending, inhibiting and remembering. The act of prioritization (read planning) is one of the biggest brain energy drains there is. You do not want to plan and execute at the same time because you lose brain energy for focus, creativity and getting things done.
<h2>2. Make it short.</h2>
Short. Really short. Try this: What is the one most important thing you have to get done to move you toward your most important priority? Put that on the list. Which brings us to a question: Why would you have more than that on there? If there are more than the most important thing you also have to get done, then put it on, but if you have to then it is now competing for what is really going to get you moving forward. Are you really sure it has to be done today?

The more you put on there, the more you interfere with your brain. You must ask yourself, Will I really, really do this? If you are not sure don’t put it on the list. Maybes are just distractions.
<h2>3. Assign a time on your calendar for the few main things that have made it on the list. </h2>
Give them the time they need. Make an appointment with yourself to make sure they get done. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/stop-using-these-3-excuses-if-you-want-to-be-successful">No exceptions.</a>

Now if you are saying, But what about the other stuff I have to do tomorrow that is not that vital to my highest priorities, but must get done (pay the light bill, pick up your child from school, etc.)? Put those in a calendar item with a time assigned to them and keep that appointment. That way, they will not be floating around in your head distracting you from your real, important priorities, and you will be forced to really look at whether you have time to do all that you think you have to do that day.

The rest of the stuff that you do not want to forget, but does not have to be done today, put it on a wish list for a future to-do list.  A to-do list should be exactly that: to do. Not a I might if I have time list or I hope I get around to these things list.

<a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/do-these-5-things-to-actually-stick-to-your-goals">The biggest difference between those who accomplish their goals and those who don’t</a> is that accomplishers prioritize what is most important to getting those goals accomplished by prioritizing the actual tasks and activities that drive those goals to completion.

If you are going to go on a road trip and make it to Chicago, you are going to do a lot of things, like get fuel, map a route, push the accelerator, listen to the radio, get lunch, etc. But if you do not get fuel and hit the accelerator, you are not going to get there. If music and lunch are on the list on par with fuel and driving, you are not going to get there, at least when you want to.

Do not let minor things compete with main things. That is the problem with lists that are too long. They do not give the proper weight to the main things, nor do they assign an absolute personal demand to get a certain activity done that day that will move the ball forward. Do not confuse your brain with other activities you might do, or are not of the highest priority.

Try this and see what happens. Your brain and your results will thank you.
Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-eliminate-distractions">How to Eliminate Distractions</a>

Believe it or not, to-do lists don’t work for everyone.

Believe it or not, to-do lists don’t work for everyone. | SUCCESS

Everything You Know About Getting Things Done Is Wrong

Everything You Know About Getting Things Done Is Wrong | SUCCESS

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Do you have a love/hate relationship with Valentine’s Day? So do a lot of people.

No matter your relationship status—married, in a relationship, single, it’s complicated—the day makes everyone a little more aware of the state of their heart.&nbsp;Some people look forward to it and feel grateful for their love life, while others see it as a reminder of what they do not have but long for—for them it’s a time of disappointment.&nbsp;

Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-8-traits-of-healthy-relationships">Rohn: 8 Traits of Healthy Relationships</a>

So what is the lesson in all of this?

In my experience as a clinical psychologist, regardless of someone’s “status”—married or single,&nbsp;happy or dissatisfied—there are two kinds of people: those who feel in control of what’s happening, and those who don’t.

Those who feel in control of their&nbsp;life—including their love life—look at what is happening, and&nbsp;if it’s not going well, they own that reality and ask, What am I going to do about this?&nbsp;They have to realize either that they are not <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/the-success-guide-to-happiness">happy</a> with their prospects of love presently (if single) or the level of love in their current relationship (if&nbsp;in one or married). And they realize, I need to do something about it.

Those who do not feel like they are in control feel the opposite—they feel powerless in this area of their life, and Valentine’s Day&nbsp;only makes them more aware of it. For them it is a miserable “holiday.”&nbsp;

So what to do?&nbsp;Own&nbsp;it. Realize that it is&nbsp;your&nbsp;life, and no one but you&nbsp;is&nbsp;going to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/it-takes-a-positive-attitude-to-achieve-positive-results">take responsibility for the results that you are getting</a>, in a relationship or not. Let’s look at some options that you have.

Before doing anything, honestly assess where you are.&nbsp;Do you like where you are? If you are in a relationship, how is it going? Are you satisfied with where the two of you are? Your level of intimacy, connection&nbsp;and fulfillment?

If so,&nbsp;do a&nbsp;few&nbsp;things. First, be grateful and express that to your partner or spouse.

Second, tell them “why.” Tell them specifically what they do that makes you so happy to be with them. This will help them to know and to do it better and more, and also will make them feel valued.&nbsp;

Third, celebrate each other. Talk about it, but go further than that! Celebrate, whatever that means to you.

Lastly, talk about your <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/8-reasons-why-walks-are-good-for-relationships">relationship</a>&nbsp;and plan to make it even better going forward.&nbsp;What will you do to continue to make it great, and&nbsp;what do you want it to be like going forward? That is ownership.

Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/7-things-all-great-relationships-have-in-common">7 Things All Great Relationships Have in Common</a>

If not, if you&nbsp;don’t like where you are, own that as well. Even if it is not your “fault,”&nbsp;realize that it is&nbsp;your&nbsp;relationship, or lack of one, and&nbsp;get in control.

If you are single and don’t want to be, then address the issues that are keeping you stuck. Are you being active enough? Or are you sitting back and just waiting for love to find you? What is your strategy going to be to make next year’s Valentine’s Day different?

If you are coming off of an unsatisfying or even hurtful relationship, what did you learn about yourself that you need to change? Even if that person was not a “good one,” remember,&nbsp;you&nbsp;are the one who picked him or her, you were attracted to that type. So own it. Find out where your blind spots were and work on your “people picker” so you do not repeat that same mistake again. Look at the patterns you might have that allowed someone like that to get into your heart and take up residence, and work on them. You do not want another relationship like that one, and you are the one in charge of that.

First, get clear about what you do not like. Name it. Be specific about it. Know what it is, other than “I just don’t feel connected.” Better to say, “I do not like it that when I talk to you about something important, you walk away and do not want to engage. Or you roll your eyes and leave.&nbsp;I want us to be able to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-be-more-empathetic-in-conversations">talk about things</a>.”

Next, look to yourself and ask, What am I doing to add to the problem? What is it that I do to make it worse? Take responsibility for your side of the equation and apologize.&nbsp;

Third, ask your partner or spouse what they want in the relationship. Are they happy? Do they want to get to another place?&nbsp;Ask them to be specific.

Next, talk about how you are going to get there. Do you think there are specific changes that each of you can make to improve it and get what you want to get? Can you tell each other what you want to be different and promise to do it? If so, great! Go forward and do it.

If you don’t feel hopeful about being able to do it, but you&nbsp;do&nbsp;know what you want, then do the smart thing:&nbsp;Get some help. If you know you want to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-13-ways-to-improve-your-life">improve things</a> and both of you are united in that, then get someone who can help you get there. Get a counselor who knows what they are doing and promise together to work on it.&nbsp;Knowing that you are aligned is half the battle—getting&nbsp;help and making that happen is the other half.

So what’s the bottom line?

Valentine’s Day is just another day. But it can serve as a wakeup call to&nbsp;remind&nbsp;you&nbsp;to&nbsp;take ownership of where your love&nbsp;life&nbsp;is and where you want it to be.&nbsp;Use it as a reminder that love is an important part of life, and that if you desire it, but that it is up to you to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-8-traits-of-healthy-relationships">nurture the relationship that you are in</a>, repair it if it is broken, or do what you need to do to find one if you are still looking.&nbsp;

Get in charge of your love life this Valentine’s Day.

Related: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/20-inspiring-quotes-about-love">20 Inspiring Quotes About Love</a>

No matter you relationship status, there are two kinds of people: those who feel in control of what’s happening, and those who don’t.

No matter you relationship status, there are two kinds of people: those who feel in control of what’s happening, and those who don’t. | SUCCESS

Take Control of Your Love Life—Here’s How

Take Control of Your Love Life—Here’s How | SUCCESS

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Henry Cloud

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