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Elevate your lifestyle for success and happiness

<p>By now, most people are coming off their eggnog high and gearing up for the new year, which includes the annual pregame warmup of <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/12-techniques-for-setting-effective-resolutions/">choosing New Year's resolutions</a>, the desire to set goals and achieve them in a brand new season of life. Deep down inside many of us is the belief that somehow, someway, this year is going to be different from last year. Allow me to get your wheels turning with a few questions:</p>



<ul><li>What is the biggest source of frustration in your life right now?</li><li>In which area(s) of life are you experiencing unrealized potential?</li><li>If you weren’t afraid to make a change in one particular area of life, which would it be?</li><li>If you could wave a magic wand over your life, what would you change first?</li></ul>



<p>So, how do most of us usually plan our attack of solving—or working through—the answers to those questions?</p>



<p>We set goals. Lofty goals. Short-term goals. Wildest-dream goals. Seemingly insignificant goals.</p>



<h2 id="h-how-to-set-goals-and-achieve-them">How to set goals and achieve them</h2>



<p>But for the most part, does our goal-setting work? I’d be willing to guess that it doesn’t. And it’s not because <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/rohn-4-tips-for-setting-powerful-goals/">the practice of setting goals</a> is inherently bad. Within itself, goal setting is a good thing (a really good thing). For one, it creates the focus and intention we need to hone our time and effort in a certain direction. But like the pull start on a snow blower in February, why then do we seem to repeat the same exercise year after year, even setting some of the same goals we aspired to achieve in years past?</p>



<h3 id="h-1-figure-out-your-actual-underlying-goal">1. Figure out your actual underlying goal.</h3>



<p>Recently, I began meeting with a friend who—though very successful—said he felt that he <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-keys-to-developing-daily-disciplines/">lacked the daily discipline</a> to stay focused on the things that mattered most in life. As such, he asked me, “Can you help me set a goal of becoming more disciplined and give me a strategy to do so?”</p>



<p>“Sure,” I replied. “But what’s the end goal? What would be possible if you were more disciplined?”&nbsp;</p>



<p>“In fact,” I added, “If you could have anything you want in life as a result of being more disciplined, what would it be?”&nbsp;</p>



<p>“More money,” he stated. Confidently, he reassured me, “Not for me, though, for my family. I want to take care of them.”</p>



<p>Adding things up in my mind, I reasoned that more discipline + more focus on the “right things” = greater earning potential. While the rationale made sense, I knew there was a deeper issue. Continuing, I asked, “And if you had more money, what would that provide?”&nbsp;</p>



<p>With assurance, he responded, “Security.”&nbsp;</p>



<p>“And if you had greater security, how would that make you feel—in other words, what emotion is attached to that?” I prompted.</p>



<p>Pausing to reflect, he quietly replied, “Peace.”&nbsp;</p>



<p>Smiling, I said, “Bingo. So, the pull you’re feeling right now isn’t truly for more money or security; it’s for peace.”</p>



<h3 id="h-2-fulfill-the-internal-needs-of-the-goal-you-want-to-set-and-achieve">2. Fulfill the internal needs of the goal you want to set and achieve.</h3>



<p>Over the next two months, we worked on <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/22-ways-to-practice-stillness/">the pursuit of peace</a> as an inward state of being—a place from which external circumstances couldn’t determine his internal state of well-being or shake his identity. And it’s from that place that he would eventually feel more secure, less stressed and, believe it or not, more focused and energized on not only giving to his family, but developing his business with creativity, precision and ingenuity, which would ultimately lead to him making his business more profitable.</p>



<p>Here’s my point: There’s nothing wrong with having the desire for more in life. But solely focusing on the pursuit of anything external will ultimately lead to more stress. And that stress often comes from thinking and behaving as if your own willpower is enough to get the job done.</p>



<p>Allow me to explain.</p>



<h3 id="h-3-change-your-internal-dialogue-to-support-achieving-your-goals">3. Change your internal dialogue to support achieving your goals.</h3>



<p>Typically, when we endeavor to set goals, we determine what it looks like to achieve them—what outcome we want. Next, we determine our course of action. Finally, we muster up enough willpower to take the first step. But after that first step, that willpower quickly fades. Why? Because our subconscious beliefs are nearly a million times more powerful than our conscious beliefs.</p>



<p>Let’s apply that reasoning to my friend’s desire for <a href="https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-be-disciplined" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">more discipline in his life</a>. Despite his best efforts to incite change, if his belief system and internal “dialogue” said, <em>You’re a wreck.</em> <em>You’re not disciplined now, nor will you ever be</em>, no amount of purposeful goal-setting on the conscious level will unlock his true potential because his internal dialogue is faulty. Helping him become more disciplined in order to become more financially prosperous is a noble pursuit. But without fixing his internal dialogue first (the need for peace and a greater sense of personal identity), his external goal was sure to fail.</p>



<p>And that is precisely what most people fail to recognize.</p>



<h3 id="h-4-improve-your-internal-well-being">4. Improve your internal well-being.</h3>



<p>Your soul is your mind, will and emotions, all of which function subconsciously as well as consciously. Therefore, the miscalculation that often happens within a lot of us produces incongruence between an underlying internal need in our “root system” and setting a goal we want to achieve.</p>



<p>My friend thought a disciplined life and more money would solve his problems, but his real ache was for a shored-up identity and for peace that would resonate through every area of his life. Proving that point, once we fixed the underlying issues, his business boomed.</p>



<p>If you’re tracking with me, what’s the real motivation behind most goals? An <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/improve-psychological-well-being-4177330" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">internal state of well-being</a>, whether it be happiness, peace, joy or love. It is precisely why traditional goal-setting won’t last. The “silver bullet” fix is a smoke screen for a bigger issue. Most importantly, pursuing external change without corresponding internal change puts you in a constant state of stress because you’re working with the limited commodity known as “willpower.”</p>



<h2 id="h-set-goals-more-with-purpose">Set goals “more with purpose”</h2>



<p>Success seems like a moving target, doesn’t it? Hear me: The pursuit of “more” for the sake of more is short-lived, but the pursuit of “more” for a purpose is respectable, required and lasting.&nbsp;</p>



<p>Therefore, my friend, ensure that your practice of <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/beyond-resolutions-the-complete-guide-to-achieving-your-new-year-goals/">setting meaningful goals</a> comes from either a foundation of wholeness or the pursuit of wholeness in your life—mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially and relationally. Go after those audacious goals, but know that as you pursue “more with purpose,” setting goals and achieving them should reach far beyond yourself and touch the lives of those around you.</p>



<p><em>This article originally appeared on chriscookis.com.</em></p>



<p class="has-small-font-size"><em>This article was published in January 2019 and has been updated. Photo by GaudiLab/Shutterstock</em></p>

If you've already forgotten about your resolutions, you're likely not setting the right ones. Here's how to set goals and achieve them.

If you've already forgotten about your resolutions, you're likely not setting the right ones. Here's how to set goals and achieve them. | SUCCESS

Why Your New Year’s Resolutions Are Absolutely Failing

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How to Set Goals and Achieve Them This Year | SUCCESS

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Christopher Cook is a leadership coach and business consultant to both Fortune 1000 and nonprofit organizations. Additionally, he is the host of “Win Today with Christopher Cook,” a popular weekly podcast, available on Apple Podcasts, Google Play and other outlets. Through his work at WINTODAY.tv and as a contributor for SUCCESS magazine, he serves as a guide to help people design their road map to wholeness from the inside out.

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Christopher Cook

Professional Growth

Professional Growth Archives

Professional Growth | SUCCESS | What Achievers Read

<p>I’m certain that at some point in your life, you’ve had to deal with a bad boss. The unfortunate truth is that <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/5-traits-of-a-lousy-leader/">lousy leaders</a> contaminate an otherwise healthy environment. Some do it more obviously through aggressive, loud, opinionated, dominating communication and behavior. Others covertly use their employees and team members as pawns to elevate their own platform. In both cases, bad bosses create a devastating and unproductive environment that tolerates (and celebrates) unnecessary stress and a decline of productivity.</p>



<p>While they may excel at their job (in terms of hustle and performance), there are leaders who are placed in management roles who may not be at all qualified to operate at the capacity for which they’ve been empowered. You know who I’m talking about: The bosses who are noncommunicative, political, wishy-washy and narrow-minded. The ones who received their position simply because of who they know with little consideration of what they know. They're the ones who turn up late every day and then watch the clock every time you make a move. The ones who don’t possess <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/15-traits-of-excellent-leaders/">an ounce of true leadership</a> within.</p>



<h2>The tale of the bad boss</h2>



<p>Immediately after graduating from college, my sister, a communication major, received a well-paying career opportunity in sales. It was a field in which she truly excelled. She was so good that she could sell a melting popsicle to a woman wearing all white. Shortly after being promoted within the organization, she ran into a “brick wall” whom I’ll name “Melinda”. Melinda was the top salesperson in the company, responsible for over $2 million in revenue. Her impressive sales, however, were overshadowed by her inability to effectively lead the team. Her erratic behavior, histrionic outbursts and verbal abuse crippled her team and ultimately stifled the long-term growth of the company. Although she could hold her own very well and deal with the bad boss, my sister eventually left her position to pursue other opportunities.</p>



<p>The moral of the story: Everything rises and falls upon leadership. Everything.</p>



<h2>How to deal with a bad boss</h2>



<p>If you’re in a difficult situation with a bad boss, how do you keep your head above water? How do you keep your fist out of the office drywall? Here are four important keys to keeping your cool and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-survive-working-for-a-bad-boss/">successfully navigating through your relationship</a> with a lousy leader:</p>



<h3 id="h-1-stay-consistent">1. Stay consistent.</h3>



<p>To me, this is the most important key to dealing with a bad boss because actions speak louder than words. Consistent follow-through, excellence and communication build a vault of influence on your behalf. You may have a completely incompetent boss, perhaps one who is even less capable than you. But remember: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-use-your-influence-as-a-leader/">True leadership is influence</a>, not position. You may not have the title (yet), but your consistency will <a href="https://hbr.org/2021/09/5-techniques-to-build-rapport-with-your-colleagues" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">build rapport with your team</a> and <a href="https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-build-trust" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">earn their trust</a>. After all, your reputation is more valuable than your talent or a big fat pay raise.</p>



<h3 id="h-2-don-t-take-it-personally">2. Don’t take it personally.</h3>



<p>As much as it seems like you’re being thrown under the bus and ignored, it may not be about you. Truth be told, you’re not the only one who has to deal with your boss’s fire on a regular basis. The next time you draft a scathing email in response to a negative situation, read it (it’s cathartic, trust me). Then breathe, delete it and start over. Deal with the issue, but do so professionally, tactfully and assertively in writing. Then follow up face to face where the core value for the relationship can properly function as the bridge to healthy, constructive communication.</p>



<h3 id="h-3-manage-your-expectations-when-dealing-with-a-bad-boss">&nbsp;3. Manage your expectations when dealing with a bad boss.</h3>



<p>It’s important that your desire for excellence, growth and great leadership doesn’t make you too idealistic. Honestly, this has been a challenge for me. I read a lot <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-books-to-help-you-grow-as-a-leader/">of leadership books</a>. I am passionate about <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/continually-reach-your-potential/">developing my own potential</a> (as well as the potential of others). But it is important to remember that we work with real people. People who make mistakes despite their best efforts and who don’t operate perfectly all of the time. Everyone has a bad day. Everyone hurts. We all have weaknesses. Extend grace, my friend, because you’d desire the same.</p>



<h3 id="h-4-don-t-complain-to-co-workers-or-team-members-and-don-t-publicly-point-out-the-leader-s-flaws">4. Don’t complain to co-workers or team members and don’t publicly point out the leader’s flaws.</h3>



<p>But don’t stuff your frustration, either. Here is a litmus test assessment of your present leadership capacity: Handle this situation professionally. Seek out a trusted mentor, your spouse, significant other or even HR if the situation warrants their involvement. Processing the issues will help you find clarity amidst the clouds. You can’t let your frustration taint your talent (or, most importantly, your character) and destroy your drive. Deal with the issue as often as you need. Then make a choice to either go with the flow or go out the door without burning relationship bridges.</p>



<p>If you work for a great boss (or serve under a great leader), you’re very fortunate. In fact, you should tell them they’re great. If you do have to deal with a bad boss, stay excellent. Stay passionate. Stay assertive. Your own leadership capacity will grow immeasurably as you do.</p>



<p><em><em>This article originally appeared on <em>chriscookis.com</em></em></em>.</p>



<p class="has-small-font-size"><em>This article was published in March 2019 and has been updated. Photo by</em> <em>fizkes/Shutterstock</em></p>

If you’re in a difficult situation and have to deal with a bad boss, this is how to keep your cool and navigate the relationship.

If you’re in a difficult situation and have to deal with a bad boss, this is how to keep your cool and navigate the relationship. | SUCCESS

The 4 Keys to Effectively Dealing With a Bad Boss

How to Deal with a Bad Boss in 4 Effective Steps | SUCCESS

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How to Connect with Different Personality Types

Relationships

Relationships Archives

Relationships | SUCCESS | What Achievers Read

<p>Many people are frustrated in their relationships because they feel unheard and undervalued. So as a result, what do they do? They simply exist, and ‌they never experience the life-giving power of true connection. Too many professional relationships—let alone friendships and romantic relationships—fail to experience the convergence of fluid, effective <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-ways-to-start-connecting-with-people/">communication<strong> </strong>through connection</a> to a shared purpose and a sense of mutuality.</p>



<p>But it doesn’t have to be that way.</p>



<p>There is a proven method to help you communicate with the people in your life in such a way that you’ll feel heard, understood, appreciated and taken seriously. And once you apply this method to your own life, you’ll be able to provide the same for others.</p>



<p>I know the frustration of feeling like I’m talking to a wall when relating to people—people whose blank stares, distracted eyes and flat countenances communicate misunderstanding, and worse, disinterest. For years, I felt undervalued and underappreciated in a few relationships. Granted, my own insecurities poured gasoline on those flames of relationship disconnection, but the point is that I was missing a fundamental truth about understanding and connecting with people who were diametrically opposite of my personality. Interestingly, even though I didn’t connect with some people, I did connect with others. The simple truth was that because I didn’t know how to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/4-phases-of-building-a-team-that-embraces-personality-and-individual-differences/">manage those personality differences</a>, conflict arose.</p>



<p>As I matured in my own growth, made peace with the uniqueness of my personhood and became determined to bolster a healthy sense of identity, insecurity began to wane and I developed the wherewithal to prioritize pursuing understanding in my relationships. And <em>that </em>is the point. When you understand yourself and the people around you, you will relate in a kinder, more compassionate, more effective way—a way that builds trust.</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-introducing-disc">Introducing DISC</h2>



<p>The <a href="https://www.discprofile.com/what-is-disc" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">DISC personality profile</a> very clearly focuses on behavioral differences that lead to difficulties in life. Unlike other personality profiles, DISC teaches us how we and others send and receive communication. And this powerful tool isn’t just for work; it’s beneficial for every relationship in your life. The key to utilizing its results, however, requires us to understand that no personality profile is a silver-bullet fix to relationship communication woes; it’s just a tool. But it is a versatile and valuable tool at that—one that can serve as a baseline for understanding the differences that make up one another.</p>



<p>DISC’s easy-to-understand (and apply) format essentially categorizes people into one of four personality style quadrants: dominance (D), influence (I), steadiness (S) and conscientiousness (C). No style is greater than the other. And under stress, each exhibits its own liability. But knowing how the personality styles manifest in each other is a foundational key for <a href="https://hbr.org/2021/06/whats-the-best-way-to-build-trust-at-work" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">effective trust-building</a> and communication. Let’s talk about each one.</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-the-d-personality">The “D” personality</h2>



<p>The “D” style is the most dominant of the four personality styles. “D” styles are fast-paced, results-driven high achievers. They tend to be quite direct, strong-willed and forceful. Quick to act and eager for change, they are “ready, fire, aim” personalities. The monotony of routine is exhausting and unmotivating. Of course, that comes with its own liabilities. They tend to be opinionated and expect others to come along for the ride. Their blunt tendencies often come off as being uncaring and even interruptive. Because of their action-oriented, driven personality, they do tend to make mistakes early on in the <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/be-better-at-decision-making/">decision-making process</a>. But because of their strong personality, they don’t hang on to the guilt of mistakes. Their success comes from being able to be decisive and motivating to a team. Their focus on the big picture often motivates a team to take high risks, many of which are often accompanied by high rewards.</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-the-i-personality">The “I” personality</h2>



<p>The “I” style is the most outgoing, interactive, engaging, optimistic and enthusiastic of the four styles. Because they are bent toward being social, “I” personalities aren’t too focused on details or even working independently; like “D” types they are fast-paced, results-oriented people. Collaboration is their middle name. Because they want to be well-liked, social rejection is their kryptonite. As such, confrontation and being direct are a challenge for them. When it comes time to make decisions, their fear of being unpopular motivates them to include others in the decision-making process. Under stress, “I” styles can be seen as being too talkative, emotional and disorganized. Because of their optimism, they tend to over-promise and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/self-aware-ways-to-follow-through-on-your-resolutions/">lack follow-through</a>. But their great success comes from being enthusiastic and high-spirited. They are the ultimate motivational coach. They are phenomenal at generating group discussion, as well as new, creative ideas. Their innate ability to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/my-key-to-success-forming-deep-connections/">connect people</a> creates a healthy, vibrant environment.</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-the-s-personality">The “S” personality</h2>



<p>The “S” style is the most laid-back of the four styles. They’re known for their stabilizing, even-tempered personality. Because of their supportive nature, “S” personalities enjoy camaraderie and working in collaborative teams. Equality and justice are of premier importance to the “S” personality type. As a result of this very stable, steady, even approach to life, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-ways-to-get-better-at-dealing-with-change/">change is hard</a> and often resisted out of the gate. High “S” personalities need regular reassurance when approaching new circumstances. Because they are more cautious, their pace is significantly slower than the “I” or the “D” personality. But although they are slower, once they initiate a project, they are maniacal about finishing; they just don’t quit. One of the “S” style’s greatest liabilities actually is birthed out of a strength: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-use-your-influence-to-help-others/">helping people</a>. Under pressure, a high “S” actually becomes too supportive, too accommodating and too enabling. In fact, they’ll sacrifice their own needs and desires simply to avoid tension or conflict. At the end of the day, the “S” personality style offers the attitude and determination to get things done, and get them done well.</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-the-c-personality">The “C” personality</h2>



<p>The most detail-oriented, analytical and conscientious of the four personality styles, “C” style’s greatest passion is accuracy and doing things correctly the first<em> </em>time. If there isn’t enough time or resources to accomplish a task with high excellence out of the gate, they’d much rather settle with “what is.” On the other side of the coin, though, their demand for excellence and accuracy may keep them in a “ready, aim, aim, aim” posture, which obviously slows down progress in an organization or even a relationship. Their cautious and methodical approach to work and life allows them to mitigate the potentially negative effects of “high highs” and “low lows.” “C” styles fear criticism because they tend to internalize the criticism of work as a criticism of their inherent personhood. While collaboration is a high value for other personalities, “C” styles are quite comfortable (and even prefer) working alone. One of their greatest liabilities is coming across as too critical of others. One must understand that their aim isn’t a <em>person</em>, but a <em>system</em>. Even more so, “C” personalities are significantly more demanding of themselves. Overall, because of their attention to detail and commitment to excellence, “C” styles are often known as the experts on a team.</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-pulse-check">Pulse check</h2>



<p>Without even taking a DISC assessment, are the lights going off in your mind? Are you relating to any particular style yourself? Perhaps you’re even thinking about a colleague, student, boss or your spouse. As we mentioned earlier, knowing these personality differences allows us to understand the wiring of another person and in turn, communicate in such a way that builds trust and connection. While there is a multiplicity of communication tools at our disposal, I’ll illustrate using a “D” and a “C” personality style difference.</p>



<p>For a high “C” to communicate effectively with a high “D” personality, they must understand that because of their “30,000-foot view” on business and life in general, they may seem pushy and reckless in their communication to you. In turn, you may appear to be too cautious and an impediment to progress and action. Enter a conversation with skill and a plan: Tell them big-picture stories without getting into the “why” or “why not” qualifiers. Additionally, demonstrate that you can move on from issues without getting hamstrung on minutia.</p>



<p>In opposite fashion, a “D” personality relating to a “C” personality will need to learn how to speak and write using facts and details, not just lofty concepts. Avoid “holding a gun” to their head and allow them time to make a decision. Lastly, the high “D” will want to tone down his or her assertiveness and be more cognizant of <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-speak-well-and-listen-better/">practicing active listening</a>.</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-high-flying-priorities-within-personalities">High-flying priorities within personalities</h2>



<p>In general fashion, “D” and “I” personalities tend to prioritize and prefer a fast-paced and constantly moving environment, while “S” and “C” personalities prefer a methodical, cautious, familiar pace. In terms of interaction with people, “D” and “C” styles tend to prioritize tasks over people, while “I” and “S” styles tend to prioritize people over tasks. So, while these seem like manageable differences on paper, we mustn’t remain unaware about how these very differences, lenses if you will, create conflict in relationships when any personality strength is overextended and thus becomes a weakness.</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-stretched-too-thinly">Stretched too thinly</h2>



<p>Here’s some truth: Any strength overextended becomes a liability to our personality. Consider the following: A healthy “D” moves from being direct and a visionary to being pushy and insensitive. A healthy “I” moves from being interactive to being disorganized and impulsive. The best “S” personalities will be stabilizing, but under stress, they’ll become enabling and rescuing. And finally, the conscientious, detail-oriented, organized “C” will become overly critical, rigid and inflexible.</p>



<h2 class="wp-block-heading" id="h-the-bottom-line">The bottom line</h2>



<p>While this conversation has just scratched the surface of the clarity the DISC personality profile provides, it is preeminently important to remember that this very valuable tool does not replace the intentional pursuit of connection with real people—people with feelings, desires, fears and unique proclivities. After all, we see the world not as it is, but as we are. Let’s pursue connection together.</p>



<p class="has-small-font-size"><em>This article was published in June 2018 and has been updated. Photo by Shift Drive/Shutterstock</em></p>

Many people are frustrated in their relationships because they feel unheard and undervalued. So as a result, what do they do? They simply exist, and ‌they never experience the life-giving power of true connection.

Many people are frustrated in their relationships because they feel unheard and undervalued. So as a result, what do they do? They simply exist, and ‌they never experience the life-giving power of true connection. | SUCCESS

How to Connect With Different Personality Types

How to Connect With Different Personality Types | SUCCESS

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Personal Development

Personal Development Archives

Personal Development | SUCCESS | What Achievers Read

<p>Leaning into a brand <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/motivational-quotes-to-kick-start-the-new-year/">new year</a>, one of the best personal growth keys you and I should pursue is a healthy amount of self-awareness in our everyday lives and in our personal and professional pursuits. </p>



<p>Put simply, without self-awareness, we are
tricking ourselves into living out life through the&nbsp;<em>perception&nbsp;</em>of reality instead of reality. On the flip side, when
we’re&nbsp;<em>not</em>&nbsp;tricking
ourselves, we are putting ourselves in a position to grow and ultimately
succeed.</p>



<p>Fundamentally, self-awareness is an honest
understanding of yourself: your personal habits, strengths, areas in which you
need improvement, your way of perceiving life. And the more you know about
yourself, the better you are at adapting to change, growing steadily and positioning
yourself for success.</p>



<p>So, how do you become self-aware? One of the most effective and honest ways is by inviting feedback into your life. Honest feedback.&nbsp;<em>Really</em>&nbsp;honest feedback.</p>



<p class="has-text-align-center">***</p>



<p>I grew up in a generation in which everyone
got a trophy just for showing up. In T-ball, everyone was a winner, even if you
came in 15th&nbsp;place. And while I am an&nbsp;enormous&nbsp;proponent of
encouragement and empowerment, both of those valuable assets—without regular,
honest feedback—mask blind spots in a person’s character. Worse yet, a sustained
“everyone gets a trophy” culture supports <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/taking-the-first-step/">mediocrity</a>. The
challenge, therefore, is to actively invite feedback into your life from people
who know and love you the most. </p>



<blockquote class="wp-block-quote"><p><strong><em>Related:</em> <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-would-your-friends-rate-you/">How Would Your Friends Rate You?</a></strong></p></blockquote>



<p>If you’re unsure about how to initiate that
kind of conversation, take this cue as a start:</p>



<p><em>[To your friend/colleague/family
member]:&nbsp;I need you to be really honest with me. I know you care about me
and I know this may be hard for you to do, but I absolutely need your honest,
truthful feedback in order to grow and become the best I can be. How am I doing
in&nbsp;[a particular area of life or skill set]?&nbsp;Do you think I’m capable
of&nbsp;[achieving this goal]?</em></p>



<p>After, take a deep breath, swallow hard and make
adjustments. Hear me out: This exercise isn’t to celebrate
self-deprecation;&nbsp;it’s an honest growth tactic to keep you from living in
a fantasy.&nbsp;A key benefit of inviting feedback into your life is that doing
so keeps your “knife” sharp, so to speak. Allow me to explain.</p>



<p class="has-text-align-center">***</p>



<p>Just the other day, I was coaching a group of
executives in a midsize organization here in the Detroit area. Teaching on this
very subject, I shared that as a pretty serious home cook, I take the care of
my equipment seriously, especially my knives. And the most dangerous knife in
my arsenal is the dullest knife—the knife that has not met an adequate amount
of abrasion, or <em>conflict</em>, with a sharpening stone. And that’s exactly
the function of often abrasive, confrontational self-awareness in our own life.</p>



<p>No one likes hard conversations. No one likes
the pain of owning up to embarrassing mistakes. And no one likes conflict. But
I’d like to propose that developing the maturity of character to step into
conflict, through self-awareness, keeps us sharp, effective and efficient as we
meet the challenges of everyday life; totally unlike the platform created by
social media.</p>



<p class="has-text-align-center">***</p>



<p><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/why-social-media-is-ruining-your-self-esteem-and-how-to-stop-it/">Thanks
to social media</a>, all of us have become our own public relations agency,
tasked with publishing our most polished selves for all the world to like,
adore, comment and even share. Heck, I’ve done it. Is there anything inherently
wrong with it? No. But what troubles me about this trend is the obsession
with&nbsp;digital affirmation&nbsp;as a motivation for posting. Sometimes, if
we don’t generate a response within a few minutes, we delete the post and try
later, right? Why? Because we’re hooked on likes, comments and retweets as a
measure of our total worth and value. Yet all of these distractions from truth
blind us from apprehending the gift of self-awareness, honesty and feedback
(which ultimately leads to growth) in this very real, obstacle-riddled world.</p>



<p class="has-text-align-center">***</p>



<p>In a&nbsp;<a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/opinion/sunday/secret-ingredient-for-success.html?_r=0" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" aria-label=" (opens in a new tab)">2013 article</a>&nbsp;published by&nbsp;<em>The New York Times</em>, the author cites a Harvard Business School theorist who studied how self-awareness aids one’s overcoming obstacles in life. In it, the author states:</p>



<p>“…Professor
Argyris [the business theorist] called the most common response single loop
learning—an insular mental process in which we consider possible external or
technical reasons for obstacles. Less common but vastly more effective is the
cognitive approach that Professor Argyris called&nbsp;double-loop learning. In
this mode, we question every aspect of&nbsp;our&nbsp;approach, including our
methodology, biases and deeply held assumptions. This more psychologically
nuanced self-examination requires that we honestly challenge our beliefs and
summon the courage to act on that information, which may lead to fresh ways of
thinking about our lives and our goals. In interviews we did with high
achievers for a book, we expected to hear that talent, persistence, dedication
and luck played crucial roles in their success. Surprisingly,
however,&nbsp;self-awareness&nbsp;played an equally strong role.”</p>



<p class="has-text-align-center">***</p>



<p>Yet amid all this, there’s one more key
ingredient to the self-awareness mix, and that’s applied self-knowledge.
Imagine texting while driving. Slave to the ping of the latest message, you
take your focus off the road in order to glance at your phone. Mere seconds
later, eyes back on the road, you’re dangerously drifting into the opposite
lane. </p>



<p>Self-awareness allows you to acknowledge, “Yes,
I was texting while driving.” But that acknowledgement alone doesn’t lead to
change and growth beyond the harmful behavior. However, applied self-knowledge
does lead to behavior change. Self-knowledge begs the answer to the question,
“Why was I texting while driving in the first place?”</p>



<p>When we can form answers to the <em>motivations</em>
behind our thoughts and actions, productive or unproductive, followed by an
action plan to pivot our accompanying behavior, we’ll be better positioned to experience
lasting growth in our personal and professional life.</p>



<p class="has-text-align-center">***</p>



<p>Self-awareness is not self-deprecation. Nor is
it self-consciousness. Instead, self-awareness will keep you focused on that
which matters most and keep you away from those things that will distract you
from your purpose, allowing you to grow in areas of strength and at the same
time be aware of <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/dont-let-your-blind-spots-distort-reality/">your
blind spots</a>.</p>



<p>That’s the point. We’re all in process. If we’re going to be our best for those who matter most in life, we do need encouragement and empowerment. But we also need a healthy dose of honest, growth-motivated, truth-founded feedback. We can gobble-up all the self-help guides and personal growth strategies money can buy, but if we don’t know ourselves well enough to put any of it into effective, specific practice, we’ll never arrive at the greatest place of success possible in this short life. And that is simply, yet powerfully, becoming the best version of who we were destined to be.</p>



<blockquote class="wp-block-quote"><p><strong><em>Related: </em></strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-overcome-the-fear-of-feedback/"><strong>How to Overcome the Fear of Feedback</strong></a></p></blockquote>



<p class="has-small-font-size"><em>Image by GoodStudio/Shutterstock.com</em></p>

The more you know about yourself, the better you are at adapting to change, growing steadily and positioning yourself for success.

The more you know about yourself, the better you are at adapting to change, growing steadily and positioning yourself for success. | SUCCESS

Unlocking the Power of Self-Awareness

Unlocking the Power of Self-Awareness | SUCCESS

https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/Unlocking-the-Power-of-Self-Awareness.jpg

The old saying, “We don’t know what we like, we like what we know,” is absolutely true. But whether we like it or not, life is full of change, and often, change comes as a result of taking risks. Yet not taking risks in life for fear of discomfort and change often produces a life of isolation and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/unleash-your-true-potential/">underdeveloped potential</a>. In fact, I believe it is one of the greatest challenges for people who either feel stuck or are too comfortable in their predictable (but underwhelming) life to make a change.

I’ll be the first one to admit that <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/taking-the-first-step/">predictability is safe</a>, and safety is comfort. But who would be willing to squander their life’s potential for the sake of fleeting comfort? Who would be willing to stay stuck and locked up in a life that dishes out a daily ration of mundane?

Well, for starters, people who have experienced any sort of major loss or disappointment. And even though it’s not a good place to stay, I have a lot of compassion for those people.
<blockquote><em><strong>Related: </strong></em><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/why-your-comfort-zone-is-the-most-dangerous-place-to-live/"><strong>Why Your Comfort Zone Is the Most Dangerous Place to Live</strong></a></blockquote>
<h2>Upsetting the Apple Cart</h2>
People who have experienced hardship and disappointment aren’t quick to take on change. After the accumulation of a lot of chaotic life events, I didn’t want to upset the apple cart, so to speak. Heck, I didn’t even want to touch the apple cart. Why? Because I was tired of disappointment and instead hedged a bet upon living a predictable, small existence for the sheer sake of comfort instead of living for a calling. Maybe you haven’t experienced a boatload of heartache but are way too comfortable living in your “5-mile radius” life. What’s at stake by cashing the chips in for comfort, though? For starters…
<ul>
 	<li>A fulfilling career in a new city</li>
 	<li>Incredible new relationships</li>
 	<li>The pursuit of your dreams… and maybe even the fulfillment of them</li>
</ul>
The list goes on.

To me, however, the cost of predictability has even more severe ramifications than simply <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/52-ways-to-get-out-of-your-comfort-zone/">stepping outside of our comfort zone</a>; it’s an issue of stewardship of our lives.
<h2>Is the Goal Comfort or Faithfulness?</h2>
The pursuit of bigger opportunities, more resources and greater influence is noble, but what are you doing with what you have today, like right now? Faithfulness with what’s in your hands today sets the stage for increase tomorrow. Period. At the end of your life, you’ll have to answer the question, “What did you do with your life?” Of course, the question is rhetorical, but I would hate to be the one who buried his potential because of fear.

Allow me to set the stage by telling a story.

There once was a particular real estate investor who was about to take a long trip overseas for over a year. And so, prior to departure, he huddled his team together, entrusting each of them with property. They each received a parcel of land in proportion to their personal ability to manage and lead well. One of the team members was entrusted with five properties. Smart as he was, he sold the five parcels of land, and in return, doubled his money. Another received two properties. He sold both wisely, and in return, doubled his money. But the remaining team member, <em>riddled by fear of making a mistake</em>, just filed the property deed away without another thought and carried out his normal tasks. Upon the shrewd real estate investor’s return, he rewarded the first two and fired the team member who shrank in laziness and fear.

What’s the point? Let’s break this down for life application.
<h4>Their land is your potential.</h4>
Each team member was entrusted with a parcel of land according to the proportion of his own personal ability, and in our case, potential to lead and make prudent decisions. Interestingly, the number of properties wasn’t the issue; calculated investment risk, prudence and wisdom was the issue. Such as it is in life, we aren’t responsible for what we wish we had or what someone else has. We are responsible to tend to what we do have in our care and leadership responsibility today.

The question remains, how many of us are either too comfortable or too scared to steward, maximize and invest the life with which we have been entrusted for fear of failure, inconvenience and discomfort? The point is, the way you lead your life, whether in fear of failure or in willingness to risk, is a big deal.
<h2>5 Truths About Taking Risks</h2>
If life has thrown you a nasty curveball or has pelted you with unrelenting pain and you feel trapped in fear, trust me, I get it. I am not a risk-taker and quite honestly, I hate change. Truly. But it is with great compassion that I encourage and implore you to keep moving forward. Take each day as a new day and step out, even if you’re scared as you do it.

On the flip side, if you’re burying your talent simply because your predictable life is just too easy and comfortable, I don’t have sympathy. But I do have compassion—compassion to challenge you to seize today because you’ll never get today back. And someday, “today” will be 15 years down the road.

That said, here are five undeniable truths about taking risks in life:
<h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">1. Taking risks provides clarity.</h3>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;">Two months ago, I stepped way outside my comfort zone and took a risk that cost me every ounce of comfort and every morsel of predictability. But in the last two months, I’ve gained more clarity on who I am, passion for my purpose and clarity about what is most valuable to me in this life.</p>

<h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">2. Taking risks will cost you more than you anticipated up front.</h3>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;">Truly, it will. But I believe the reward is greater than the risk. Even if the risk ends up not working out, the learning experience is definitely worth the investment.</p>

<h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">3. Taking risks (or not taking risks) because of a people-pleasing motivation will backfire quicker than you could ever expect.</h3>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;">Remember the story I shared? What’s at stake is faithfulness to properly manage something that was entrusted to you: your purpose-loaded life. Yet operating in fear will render you impotent in the development of that potential.</p>

<h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">4. Taking risks is not at all equivalent to gambling.</h3>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;">Taking risks has nothing to do with throwing caution to the wind or flipping a coin. I believe taking risks involves careful planning, deliberate investigation and a truckload of counsel.</p>

<h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">5. Not taking risks will likely produce regret.</h3>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;">And at the end of life, will you look back and ask the proverbial question, “What if?” Or, will you look back upon life and repeat the words of journalist Hunter S. Thompson: “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow! What a ride!’”</p>
Listen, you might step out, find out and fall flat on your face. But at least you tried. At least you took a risk instead of burying your talent in the cold, hard ground.

After writing all 1,200 words here, I’m swallowing hard, rolling up my sleeves and ready to go after this thing called life. I have to. You have to. How can we not?
<blockquote><em><strong>Related: </strong></em><strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/afraid-of-risks-how-to-be-bolder/">Afraid of Risks? How to Be Bolder</a></strong></blockquote>
<em>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://chriscookis.com/taking-risks/">chriscookis.com</a>.</em>

<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo by everst/Shutterstock.com</span>

The catastrophic risk of not taking risks: Are you willing to squander your life's potential for the sake of fleeting comfort?

Predictability is safe, and safety is comfort. But are you willing to squander your life’s potential for the sake of fleeting comfort? | SUCCESS

5 Undeniable Truths About Taking (and Not Taking) Risks

5 Undeniable Truths About Taking (and Not Taking) Risks | SUCCESS

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Legendary author Steven Pressfield said, “Writing isn’t hard. Sitting down to start is hard.” And so it is with most other areas of life. That’s precisely why you and I must commit to being a finisher; someone who is dedicated to not settle for 80% but one who closes deals and projects and completes personal goals. But what about those of us who just wish we could get going and take the first step? Maybe you’re eager to finally step out of the boat and walk upon uncharted water, but taking that first step is all too intimidating, so instead of risking failure, you decide to stay safe and settle for mediocrity.
<blockquote><em><strong>Related: </strong></em><strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/do-these-5-things-if-you-want-an-unremarkable-life/">Do These 5 Things—If You Want an Unremarkable Life</a></strong></blockquote>
Apply this to any area of life:
<ul>
 	<li><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/14-quotes-to-inspire-you-to-reach-even-your-most-impossible-goals/">Personal goals</a></li>
 	<li><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/3-real-strategies-for-strengthening-a-relationship/">Relationship growth</a></li>
 	<li><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/the-4-core-patterns-that-lead-to-financial-freedom/">Financial freedom</a></li>
 	<li><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/5-keys-to-leveling-up-your-career/">Career advancement</a></li>
 	<li><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/6-ways-to-be-a-better-parent/">Parenting skills</a></li>
</ul>
Does this sound a lot like your life? Maybe you can relate to this reader’s recent email in which he said, "Chris, I feel uninspired and am lacking courage. After a series of disappointments, I’m really timid about taking another risk. So, I’ve settled to just wait and see what happens.”

Believe it or not, those emails arrive in my inbox more than you’d suspect. And I believe that the culprit lurking behind this common intimidation is one thing: <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/rohn-3-ways-to-face-your-fears-with-courage/">fear</a>.

Fear will stunt your growth.
Fear will shut down your potential.
Fear will burn your dreams to the ground.
Fear will jade your relationships.

But most of all...

Fear will keep you from taking the most important step: <strong>the first step</strong>.
<h2>Taking the First Step</h2>
There’s a lot of risk and mystery in taking the first step. The inherent risk in taking a first step is found in embracing <em>when</em> you’ll fall, not if you’ll fall. And often, the mystery in taking a first step revolves around how long will it take to develop a stride.

Watch the development of a toddler.

Can you imagine if a parent was so gripped by the fear of their child falling and getting bruised in the process of normal development that they insisted upon carrying the youngster wherever they needed to go? Needless to say, instead of developing their own stride and building muscle, the toddler would never be able to support his own weight, develop motor skills, and would ultimately atrophy an otherwise healthy muscular system.

And that’s just what the fear of stepping out into the unknown does to our development in life. The fear of embracing the risk and mystery of the unknown will hamper your ability to take steps forward into your future. But unlike a lot of people today, my hope for you is that your uncommon willingness to risk added to uncommon determination will yield an uncommon result.

So the question begs an answer: Are you going to live your life safe and stuck in cynicism because of past disappointment? Or will you take the first step even with the risk of failing? Point being, you cannot reach your life’s potential while putting “safety first.”
<h2>Step One: Step Out</h2>
Really, the first step in learning how to step out into <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/maybe-the-only-way-to-have-an-answer-to-the-unknown-is-to-face-it-every-so-often/">the unknown</a> is taking full responsibility for your life. If you’re sick and tired of living a life that’s dripping in mediocrity because of the safety of familiarity, here’s a step-by-step process to taking… the first step:
<h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">1. Take responsibility for your life.</h3>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;">Don’t allow your emotions to control you. Learn to discipline and contain your emotions. Don’t believe what you feel. Allow your emotions to catch up to your right beliefs and corresponding actions.</p>

<h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">2. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/13-opportunity-quotes/">Seize the opportunity.</a></h3>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;">There will always be a logical reason and a good intention to justify mediocrity. But overcoming this temptation requires embracing risk and mystery.</p>

<h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">3. <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/stop-making-excuses-for-who-and-where-you-are/">Dump the excuses and act.</a></h3>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;">Don’t wait until all your ducks are in a row <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/rohn-whatever-the-project-is-start-today/">before you start</a>. In the same manner, don’t squander your future successes because of past failures. Get up and get going again.</p>

<h3 style="padding-left: 40px;">4. Expect to need a recharge.</h3>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;">At some point, you will run out of motivation. The initial excitement will wear off. So, know that going in and then commit before the bell rings.</p>
We were never designed to make choices from a place of fear. And trust me, I get why the temptation to do so is enticing. But I’ve recently come to a place in my own life in which I would much rather fall flat on my face than look back to this day with tears of regret clouding my vision.

Taking the first step is often the most difficult, but it is the most necessary.

Do you believe it?
<blockquote><em><strong>Related: </strong></em><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/7-brave-steps-to-become-fearless/"><strong>7 Brave Steps to Become Fearless</strong></a></blockquote>
<em>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://chriscookis.com/why-a-safe-life-is-a-mediocre-life/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">chriscookis.com</a>.
</em><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo by everst/Shutterstock.com</span>

Taking the first step into the unknown is often the most difficult, but it is the most necessary if you’re tired of living a mediocre life.

Taking the first step into the unknown is often the most difficult, but it is the most necessary. | SUCCESS

Why a Safe Life Is a Mediocre Life

Why a Safe Life Is a Mediocre Life | SUCCESS

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<p style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">@sussialfredsson via Twenty20</span></p>
The strength your thoughts possess to steer the course of your life is often grossly underestimated. It is for that reason you must take stock in your thinking process on a regular basis, whether good or bad. Not every thought that drops into the space between your ears is worth being allowed to plant itself as a seed and grow. Nor is every thought true or rational.

It’s precisely why there is a significant difference between having a thought (which is involuntary) and thinking about a thought (which is voluntary). And it’s for that reason that I’m blowing the cover on what I affectionately refer to as “sour thoughts”—destructive thoughts that seek to sabotage your pursuit of building the best version of “you” possible.
<blockquote><em><strong>Related: </strong></em><strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/7-distorted-thinking-patterns-that-contribute-to-anxiety/">7 Distorted Thinking Patterns That Contribute to Anxiety</a></strong></blockquote>
<h2><strong>Shuffle the Hits</strong></h2>
What was the first <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/say-this-not-that-7-responses-for-common-negative-thoughts/">negative thought</a> you had today? Be honest. How about when you walked into work and your supervisor walked right past you without even looking your way? How about when your spouse hurriedly walked out of the house without saying goodbye? How about when you sent an important text to a close friend and never received a response?

I’ll wait for a moment while that emotion resurfaces. What was your reaction? I’d bet some serious coin that it was to the tune of…
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>What did I do wrong now?
What a jerk.
Maybe it’s true that I’m not valuable after all.
She looked at me like that yesterday. I’m probably in trouble.
You’d think he would value our relationship enough to text me back soon.
After all I do for her, the least she could do is acknowledge me.
</em>And my favorite:<em> Who do you think you are?</em></p>
Pucker up, lemon lips. You’re sinking.
<h2><strong>5 Steps to Ruin Your Day</strong></h2>
Taking it a step further, assuming you let the thought move from your conscious mind into your subconscious mind like a bird’s nest in a gutter, let’s play this out and explore the five snowballing steps that will surely <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/5-ways-to-cope-with-a-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-day/">ruin your day</a>:
<h3 style="padding-left: 30px;">1. Entertain a negative thought.</h3>
<h3 style="padding-left: 30px;">2. Think twice about the same negative thought.</h3>
<h3 style="padding-left: 30px;">3. Second-guess the stupidity of the thought and consider its possibility of reality.</h3>
<h3 style="padding-left: 30px;">4. Allow the negative thought to take root into your belief system.</h3>
<h3 style="padding-left: 30px;">5. Behave through the filter of the thought as if it were actually true.</h3>
What’s the result? Enter the feeling of the cold, unforgiving blanket of apathy wrapping itself around your soul as the weight of disdain presses unflinchingly atop your eyelids while laying out the welcome mat for a headache, irritability and exhaustion. And just like that, you’ve created a huge, totally irrational story. It’s cleverly stupid, isn’t it? But even though you may be down, you’re not out. Thankfully, there are three surefire strategies to ripping destructive thoughts out of your mind before they take root and do their damage.
<h3>1. H.A.L.T.</h3>
Recently, I learned an acronym known as H.A.L.T. Regarding stinking thinking, the principle holds true. Any time negative thoughts enter your mind, quickly ask yourself:
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Am I hungry?
Am I angry?
Am I lonely?
Am I tired?</em></p>
Making slipshod, irrational, impulsive decisions in any of these conditions will lead you away from focused living that yields negative, regressive results. Supporting this thought, a trusted leader in my life once said, “I have to manage my soul and nourish my body. I have to realize that my soul and body get exhausted before my spirit does.”
<h3>2. The umpire strikes back.</h3>
A really wise man said, “Let soul harmony act as umpire continually in your hearts, deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds.” In baseball, the umpires decide whether or not the ball is in or out of play. Concerning your thought life, shouldn’t you employ the same strategy? You see, if you don’t manage your inner world, it’ll eventually manage you and undermine your destiny. You need to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/how-to-construct-an-empowering-reality/">question “reality”</a> and learn to set your mind and keep it set on that which is true.
<h3>3. Don’t let one thought go unchecked.</h3>
This is especially important when you’re hurting. There are so many times you have a reason to think and believe something, but it doesn’t mean you should. You don’t have to actively think about every thought that drops in your head. Deal with it before it settles into your subconscious mind.

In life, the barrage of random thoughts that enter your headspace won’t completely end. But you can put an end to allowing “sour thoughts” to manage you. Earlier, I suggested that you’ve probably asked yourself, <em>Who do you think you are?</em> Well, the voice of identity and the voice of shame ask the same question. One is an invitation to discover significance and purpose. The other is a blatant taunt fueled by fear and condemnation. Make the regular choice to develop a mind that agrees with the truth about the core of your identity and purpose. So I ask…

Who do you think you are?
<blockquote><em><strong>Related: </strong></em><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/4-ways-to-actively-reprogram-your-thoughts/"><strong>4 Ways to Actively Reprogram Your Thoughts</strong></a></blockquote>
<em>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://chriscookis.com/sour-thoughts/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">chriscookis.com</a>.</em>

Thankfully, there are 3 surefire strategies to ripping destructive thoughts out of your mind before they take root and do their damage.

Thankfully, there are 3 surefire strategies to ripping destructive thoughts out of your mind before they take root and do their damage. | SUCCESS

Sour Thoughts: It Only Takes 5 Steps to Ruin Your Day

Sour Thoughts: It Only Takes 5 Steps to Ruin Your Day | SUCCESS

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<p>You and I have one life to live. But few of us step into manifesting the full expression of who we were designed to be. Why? Because of the fear that being seen and heard for who we really are will <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/why-you-shouldnt-fear-rejection">result in rejection</a>; not because of what we have or haven't done, but rejection of our very personhood. You see, it’s one thing to feel as though you’ve not done enough. But it’s a greater tragedy to feel as though you <em>aren’t</em> enough.</p>

<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related: </em> <strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/5-brave-habits-to-help-you-face-and-accept-rejection">5 Brave Habits to Help You Face (and Accept) Rejection</a></strong></p>

<p>Allow me to paint a picture.</p>

<p>Imagine entering the latter season of your life, looking back and wondering, <em>Who am I? How did I end up</em> <em>here</em><em>-</em> Filled to the brim with regret over rarely (if ever) allowing <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/6-steps-to-discover-your-true-self">the real you</a> to show itself to the world around you, what now remains is a life void of passion; void of uniqueness that was reserved for you to experience and give away. And that uniqueness was a gift custom-tailored for the world to receive; a gift that will remain wrapped.</p>

<p>In simple yet precise words, poet, author and playwright Oscar Wilde drives the point home: “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”</p>

<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:<strong> </strong></em><strong> <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/15-brave-quotes-to-inspire-you-to-be-yourself">15 Brave Quotes to Inspire You to Be Yourself</a></strong></p>

<p>Most people are <em>other people</em>. In other words, in an effort to mask destructive vices of fear, insecurity and perfectionism, many of us wear a costume threaded by shame that veils who we <em>are</em> in favor of who we are supposed to be. And when shame is deeply rooted in our lives, we unknowingly become actors in the theater of life. As such, we drift away from the <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/the-secrets-of-being-authentic-and-why-its-important">authenticity and uniqueness</a> for which we were created, and in turn, perform for the acceptance and validation that should inherently be present in our lives.</p>

<p>Frankly, I don’t believe anyone asserts themselves to be someone they’re not. But self-protection and the motivation to avoid pain fuel our souls with the notion that doing so is the only way to stay alive. That’s why we wear costumes. <em>That’s</em> why we become actors in the theater of life. Because being our unique, flawed (but still in process) selves in full view to the world around us is too great a risk; a risk of rejection that we feel far outweighs the reward of connection.</p>

<h2><strong>The Performance-Acceptance Trap</strong></h2>

<p>Often, our unwillingness to bear ourselves fully is because <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/dont-let-your-net-worth-dictate-your-self-worth">our worth and value</a> are tied to our good performance as a spouse or significant other, son or daughter, employee, parent, coach, or corporate executive. In other words, if we perform well, we are accepted. But if we perform poorly, we are unworthy of acceptance and connection. Worse, because of a root of shame, if we make a mistake, consequently, we believe we <em>are </em>a mistake. So, in order to mitigate the pain of rejection, many of us resort to shame’s sidekick: self-protection.</p>

<h2><strong>The Costume of Self-Protection</strong></h2>

<p>In a lot of cases, when we aren’t secure in our identity—our worth and value outside the measure of our performance—we consign ourselves to the part of the brain where self-protection and self-promotion sabotage our ability to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/podcast/ep-86-how-to-innovate-your-way-to-success">create and innovate</a>. As such, we tend to perform in order to receive definition of our worth and value. Conversely, people who know who they are and believe they are fundamentally worthy of validation and belonging perform <em>from</em> an overflow of their healthy identity.</p>

<p>Another adverse effect of self-protection is isolation. When we isolate ourselves, bad people are kept far away from having access to our hearts. But the trouble is that in the same posture of defense, good, value-adding, <em>safe</em> people are kept out, too. The sad result of this reactionary behavior is that as we grow older and live with the costume on as though it belonged there the whole time, our true selves become much less distinguishable, and our inauthentic lives become the norm.\</p>

<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:</em>&nbsp;<strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/8-tips-for-being-authentic">8 Tips for Being Authentic</a></strong></p>

<h2><strong>The Mechanics of Shame</strong></h2>

<p>Let’s make this personal. The mechanics of shame, though insidious, are quite predictable. Think back on an event or experience in which you <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/7-ways-to-bounce-back-after-a-mistake">made a mistake</a>, dropped the ball so to speak, let someone down, failed to deliver on a project or didn’t even show up. How soon after the experience occurred did feelings of shame and unworthiness break down the door to your heart?</p>

<p>Typically, once shame makes its home in our hearts, we tend to cover ourselves for fear of exposure. That’s where the costume of self-protection comes into play. It’s the science of fight or flight. Once we cover ourselves, it isn’t long before we hide. And when we hide, we disconnect and isolate ourselves from those who will not only provide us with <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/7-tips-for-giving-your-boss-feedback">valuable feedback</a>, but also validation of our identity and worth. The treacherous result of isolation and disconnection is a greater sense of shame, increased self-protection, hiddenness, and even deeper disconnection and isolation. And even though we are, according to shame researcher Dr. Brené Brown, “hardwired for love, connection and belonging,” self-protection as a result of shame has been our knee-jerk reaction since the beginning of humanity. Sadly, though, this cycle will not be broken without deliberate action to manage our inner world.</p>

<h2><strong>Wrangling the Inner World</strong></h2>

<p>If we don’t manage our inner world (our thought life, our emotional, mental and spiritual health), it will eventually manage us. And because of our mindset about our standing and disposition in life, we will live through the “lens” of whatever we establish as truth in <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/15-quotes-to-overcome-your-self-limiting-beliefs">our belief system</a> and in our thought life. In other words, if a situation in life causes us to believe we are uniquely and fatally flawed, a victim of adversity, and incapable of recovery, our nonverbal communication and paradigm about our disposition in life will be outworked through the <em>very lens of being uniquely and fatally flawed</em>; at the core; just because of who we are. And that, my friend, is no way to live. So how do we break this cycle?</p>

<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related:</em><strong> <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/how-to-break-the-pattern-of-dwelling-on-past-mistakes">How to Break the Pattern of Dwelling on Past Mistakes​</a></strong></p>

<h2><strong>Breaking the Cycle of Shame</strong></h2>

<p>Breaking the cycle of shame is definitely not a decision made in one day. Instead, the tenacity and determination to break the cycle of shame in our lives will inevitably be a decision made <em>every day</em>. And the first step in ripping the costume of shame and self-protection off of our hearts and minds is vulnerability. Fundamentally, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/5-ways-being-vulnerable-can-make-you-happier">vulnerability interrupts the cycle</a> of shame by coming into the light of safe people with statements such as, “I need help,” “I’m feeling weak,” “I beg your forgiveness,” “Please help.” Not only do these statements extend a lifeline of help our way, they build a bridge of trust with those who will help us rediscover our true identity.</p>

<p>The second component of finding freedom from shame is found in <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/3-action-steps-for-an-honest-self-assessment">self-awareness</a>. We all need a healthy amount of self-awareness in our everyday lives and in our personal and professional pursuits. Put simply, without self-awareness, we are tricking ourselves into living out life through the <em>perception</em> of reality instead of reality. Conversely, when we’re <em>not</em> tricking ourselves, we are putting ourselves in a position to grow and ultimately succeed.</p>

<p>&nbsp;</p>

<h3 class="rtecenter">How do you become self-aware? One of the most effective and honest ways to do so is by inviting feedback into your life. Honest feedback. <em>Really honest </em><em>feedback</em>.</h3>

<p>&nbsp;</p>

<p><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/what-escaping-a-taco-bell-brawl-taught-me-about-self-awareness">Self-awareness is an honest understanding</a> of your personal habits, strengths, areas in which you need growth, <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/ask-these-questions-to-reframe-your-perspective-on-life">your way of perceiving life</a>, as well as an awareness of your emotional default in the circumstances of life. Simply put, the more you know about yourself, the better you are at adapting to change, growing steadily and measuring your personal growth. Another way of saying the same thing is, the more you know about your own habits and proclivities, the easier it is to improve on those habits and position yourself for success. How do you become self-aware? One of the most effective and honest ways to do so is by inviting feedback into your life. Honest feedback. <em>Really honest </em><em>feedback</em>. But you’ll never gain the feedback you need without first becoming vulnerable enough to ask for it.</p>

<p>A third but critical step in breaking the cycle of shame in your life is by <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/5-must-dos-for-a-successful-personal-transformation">pursuing transformation</a> in your heart, which occurs by confronting limiting beliefs you’ve built about yourself and your life experiences thus far. Freedom is not found by changing your mind; it’s found in changing your <em>mindset</em>—as I wrote earlier, the lens through which you see yourself, see others and see life itself. And <em>that</em> change doesn’t happen on an intellectual level. Lasting change occurs in your fundamental belief system. Memories of the past contribute to how we view ourselves and subsequently shape the paradigm about our worth and our ability to project our best selves to the world around us. Taking regular initiative to <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/blog/relishing-an-imperfect-life">make peace with an imperfect past</a> is critically important to moving through pain and shame and into a healthy identity based upon worthiness and validation.</p>

<h2><strong>Only One Question Remains</strong></h2>

<p>Ultimately, displacing shame and disrobing from the costumes of self-protection and self-promotion are founded upon your answer to one question: “Who do you <em>think</em> you are?” Read with one inflection, the question is a taunt; a tool used to chide and keep you locked in a <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/videos/youtube/how-to-beat-self-doubt-in-5-seconds">prison of self-doubt</a>, shame, inactivity and insecurity. Read with another inflection, the question is an invitation to step into the worth, value and purpose for which you were created to make a difference in the lives of those who matter most in your life.</p>

<p>How will you answer?</p>

<p class="rteindent1"><em>Related: </em><strong><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/4-questions-that-will-change-your-life">4 Questions That Will Change Your Life</a></strong></p>


Take deliberate action to manage your inner world.

Take deliberate action to manage your inner world. | SUCCESS

How to Break the Cycle of Shame in Your Life

How to Break the Cycle of Shame in Your Life | SUCCESS

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<p>Everything was on schedule. The road ahead looked free and clear of traffic, which meant I would arrive at my destination 10 minutes ahead of schedule.</p>

<p><em>Perfect, </em>I thought. <em>All my ducks are in a row.</em></p>

<p>But just 15 minutes into the trip, as I was cruising down the interstate, my gas light launched a tirade of flickering taunts: "10 miles left in range." <em>Seriously?</em> How did I overlook this simple necessity? How did I forget such a routine check? So my fuel supply was dwindling, but it was OK because I knew I'd be able to exit five miles ahead. That is, until I was stopped in my tracks (quite literally) by a nasty fender bender a quarter of a mile further down the road.</p>

<p>Enter the cold sweats.</p>

<p>My well-intentioned momentum was crushed, because I was running out of gas.</p>

<p>Just like life.</p>

<p>How many of us are running fast and hard on life’s highway toward the completion of a personal goal, the fulfillment of a dream or the closing of a significant business deal and find ourselves suddenly drowning in discouragement and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/top-of-mind-how-do-you-find-motivation-when-youre-not-feeling-it" target="_self" title="Top of Mind: How Do You Find Motivation When You're Not Feeling It? | SUCCESS.com" rel="noopener">a lack of motivation</a> because our "tank"—our inner resolve, heart and soul—is on empty? How many of us reach 80 percent capacity yet lack the ability to push through the final 20 percent to cross the finish line? How many of us experience a siphoning of enthusiasm when unexpected obstacles and detours impede our path?</p>

<p>I’ll be the first to raise my hand.</p>

<p>As for me, I've certainly let my presumptions take the steering wheel on more than one occasion, only to have stalled out, faced with discouragement, disempowerment and a disheartened outlook on life before reaching my intended destination. Inevitably, we will all face discouragement and lack of motivation at some point in life. But just because our tank is low doesn’t mean we have to stop completely before reaching our destination. If the dream in your heart and passion for life needs roadside assistance, allow me to throw you a lifeline that will get your tank filled-up and get you back on the path to success….</p>

<p><strong>You’re not invincible.</strong></p>

<p>The first step is actually proactive, and that is to recognize that if you don't monitor your “tank” (your internal drive) on a regular basis, you'll find yourself in a precarious situation when you have a destination in sight but no energy, creativity, motivation or <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/rohn-4-straightforward-steps-to-success" target="_self" title="Rohn: 4 Straightforward Steps to Success | SUCCESS.com" rel="noopener">discipline to get there</a>. My friend, don't kid yourself: You're not invincible and inexhaustible. Everyone's tank may be of a different capacity, but it doesn't mean it's bottomless.</p>

<p>Practically speaking, are you well rested? Are you taking care of your mental and <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/5-traits-of-emotionally-wealthy-people" target="_self" title="5 Traits of Emotionally Wealthy People | SUCCESS.com" rel="noopener">emotional health</a>? Are you taking deliberate action to schedule recreation so that your creativity and work ethic can be replenished? Being proactive about this step is crucial because “refueling” when you're running on fumes costs time and efficiency. And the only way to do so is by exiting and stopping.</p>

<p>Even if you haven’t been deliberate in keeping your tank filled along the way, hope is not lost. Over the last two years, I have witnessed incredible results as I have employed the following strategy—the three E’s—with clients, friends and myself:</p>

<h2><strong>1. Empowerment</strong></h2>

<p>Legendary author Stephen King said, “You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.” The path you’ve chosen is not coincidence. Something within motivated you to initiate your journey. But just because you’re facing adversity doesn’t mean you should not press on. Passion alone isn’t enough, nor is talent. Willpower isn’t enough, either. But a person whose passion and talent collides with <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/john-c-maxwell-instead-of-complaining-remember-these-10-things" target="_self" title="John C. Maxwell: Instead of Complaining, Remember These 10 Things | SUCCESS.com" rel="noopener">a “can-do” attitude</a> and a commitment to be closer crosses the finish line.</p>

<h2><strong>2. Encouragement</strong></h2>

<p>Recall your past wins. Get into the moment again. Recollect your greatest victories and remind yourself that if you've done it before, you will do it again.</p>

<h2><strong>3. Enthusiasm</strong></h2>

<p>Get your “why” back. It’s easy to lose <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/answer-6-questions-to-reveal-your-life-purpose" target="_self" title="Answer 6 Questions to Reveal Your Life Purpose | SUCCESS.com" rel="noopener">your sense of purpose</a> in&nbsp;<em>what&nbsp;</em>you do when you lose sight of&nbsp;<em>why&nbsp;</em>you are doing it in the first place.&nbsp;Late last year, I was involved in a project that required a broadened range of my skill set. Aspects of the work were monotonous, but from the onset, it was my intention to improve the efficiency of a few key systems therein and execute with excellence. Three weeks into the project, however, I faced an internal challenge: Would I give-in to the monotony and settle into a slow-simmer of task fulfillment, or would I rise above the temptation and add value to people who could truly benefit from me on a broader scale than what I initially set out to do? The answer was found in asking myself a few important questions:</p>

<p>• <em>Why am I </em>really <em>here?</em><br />
• <em>How can I be a contributor beyond the task at hand?</em><br />
• <em>Whose life can I positively impact?</em></p>

<p>That simple exercise engendered clarity and focus, and I got my “why” back.&nbsp;What I learned is that there will always be an opportunity to find treasure, even in the mundane, if you look for it.</p>

<p>No life will ever be problem-free, but staying “filled-up” will equip you to stay the course when others less-prepared than you are waving from the side of the road.</p>

<p><a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/10-steps-to-achieve-any-goal" target="_self" title="10 Steps to Achieve Any Goal | SUCCESS.com" rel="noopener"><strong>Are you on your way to a goal? Unleash the power of personal accountability to be sure you make it all the way there. Check out 10 steps that will help you take ownership and stay motivated.</strong></a></p>

<p>&nbsp;</p>

<p><em>Christopher Cook is a <a href="https://successcom.wpenginepowered.com/article/and-the-2015-successblogstars-are" target="_self" title="And the 2015 #SUCCESSBlogStars Are... | SUCCESS.com" rel="noopener">SUCCESS BlogStars winner</a>, nominated and voted upon as one of the most influential self-development writers and bloggers.&nbsp; </em></p>


Everything was on schedule. The road ahead looked free and clear of traffic, which meant I would arrive at my destination 10 minutes ahead of schedule.

Everything was on schedule. The road ahead looked free and clear of traffic, which meant I would arrive at my destination 10 minutes ahead of schedule. | SUCCESS

Running Low on Motivation? Here’s How to Stay ‘Filled-Up’

Running Low on Motivation? Here’s How to Stay ‘Filled-Up’ | SUCCESS

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